Three Labour MPs are said to be terrified that the release of their expenses claims will expose them as adulterers and financial cheats.
Four ministers are also understood to have warned party whips they might have to resign for abusing the system, when MPs' receipts are published before the summer recess in July.
The three unnamed backbenchers are said to have been placed on 'suicide watch' by Labour whips, who fear they might break down when the details of their excesses come out.Two are understood to have had extra-marital affairs with other members of Parliament.
Now can we just be absolutely clear about what 'suicide watch' means? Are they worried that some MPs may get a bit blubby, or are they wanting people to watch and make sure they really do top themselves?
If it is the latter, I will selflessly put myself forward for the task. Perhaps I can offer some words of consolation like 'You screwed who? How will you like sleeping in the shed you claimed for, you adulterous venal wankstain?' and 'Oh, man, you should see the crowds outside your constituency home's front door, I didn't think you could still get pitchforks, and I was convinced the manufacture of flaming torches was a dead art.' or 'Gordon's going to make you Home Sec.'
We need to make sure these useless bastards can do something properly.
It is going to be monumentally entertaining. I'll be compiling a highlights DVD, which I can watch on General Election night during that odd post-dinner - pre-polling station closing window.