Grab the popcorn, the main feature is about to begin.

The cracks started to show a while ago, over the winter the rain got into the cracks and expanded them as it froze. Now spring is here and the seeds have germinated, the weeds are now working their way into the body of the edifice, increasing the damage.

The euro has fallen by more than 1% against the dollar, following a report that Greece had raised the possibility of leaving the single currency.

I'll bet the EUrocrats are furious. How dare they? After all the effort they went to in cosseting the entitled Greeks, so helplessly addicted to public cash. They pumped millions into the country and all they asked for in return was complete control of a formerly sovereign country and the population therein.

The claim was vigorously denied by Greece and Germany.

Because in this alliance of equals, Germany calls the shots. It is Frank to Greece's Sammy Jr.

However it was later confirmed that ministers from five eurozone countries were meeting in Luxembourg.

The countries - Germany, France, Italy, Spain and Greece - were said to be discussing EU issues, including the financial situation of Portugal, Ireland and Greece. 

So Germany have the money, France don't have it but want it, because they are utterly addicted as well, Italy are wobbling, Spain is almost on its knees and Greece are as done as a Christmas turkey.

Nice to see they've had the good manners to invite Ireland and Portugal along. They're sitting there discussing them like parents summoned to the headmaster's office to discuss their childrens' under achievement and disruptive behaviour.

After the talks the Eurogroup Chairman Jean-Claude Juncker issued a categorical denial that Greece's euro status was up for debate. 

"We have not been discussing the exit of Greece from the euro area, this is a stupid idea, it is in no way... an avenue we would never take," Reuters reported him as saying.

"We don't want to have the euro area exploding without reason.

What, like the fact they are totally bankrupt, liable to default on their loans and are economically incompatible with the single currency, always were and were always known to be? Is that not a good enough reason?

Let us not forget, this is the BBC, so nothing is as clear as it seems:

Over the past decade the Greek government borrowed heavily - public spending soared and money flowed out of the government's coffers. 

Which is a bad thing, right? Because I've heard precious little criticism from the BBC over the identical policy followed by Labour.

No. Obviously it isn't a bad thing.

However, the revenues the government generated through tax were not enough to counterbalance this, mainly as a result of widespread income tax evasion.

How dare these people undermine the manifest destiny of the political class by not handing over their cash to fund the insane programmes of government spending? Bad Greeks, naughty Greeks.

If the Greeks pull out, I'll bet the Portuguese and Irish will follow. Then a number of the smaller states will think 'why are we bothering'? You can't have a federal Europe without a uniform currency. Let us hope that Greece default and pull out. Then they can set their own rates, make more money from their tourism industry where visitors are paying in a currency which is attractive for them to use, rather than the expensive Euro. C'mon Greece, pretend the Euro is the Persians, bloody stand up for yourselves.

As an aside, and with reference to the image above, what sort of person commissions a statue of a symbol of a currency? Can you imagine the howls from the left and Grauniadistas if a big £ was put on a plinth outside the Bank of England? How very vulgar and crass.

Ramblings of a madman.

It is too easy to throw brickbats and not hand out credit where it is due. I try to redress that balance wherever possible. So this afternoon I doff my cap to Vince Cable, who has proven himself to be even more deluded than Gordon Brown, and that, dear reader, is no mean feat.

It has been a funny few weeks for Vinnie, first there were his frankly bizarre attempts to block the election of Andrew Withers as the leader of the Libertarian Party. Quite why he thought that a cabinet member gets to rubber stamp the appointment of officials to a party he is not a member of will probably remain a mystery.

Then this morning, the Torygraph broke the story of Vinnie's even more bizarre claims to a couple of undercover reporters that he could bring down the government. Alone. Hubris which conjures up images of Ron Burgundy in my mind. As far as I'm concerned, the only thing Vinnie could bring down is himself.

Well, true to form Vinnie has moved from tittle-tattle territory into barking at the moon, batshit mental. Quite why the Telegraph held this portion back, I don't know, but Vince has also declared war on Rupert Murdoch, this is jaw droppingly bizarre, given that the EU, an organisation he probably thinks about whilst masturbating furiously in bed, has given Murdoch's take over of BSkyB the green light.

He really does think he is the law. Although this seems to be the mark of the big 3 (plus the Greens and the BNP); the rule of law is vital, up until such time as it becomes inconvenient.

I'll bet the Tories are delighted.

He thinks he can win. I think he's a mentalist.

All the fears about the Lib Dems are being realised, to see the fall of Neil Clark (or whatever his name is) and Vinnie C from national treasures to national pariahs in the space of a couple of weeks is remarkable. The pair have overseen the total destruction of their party, and as the Tories are hopelessly, helplessly wedded to them, I find the whole scenario sweeter than honey.

Perhaps a collapse will force Miliband minority out into the open and actually make him act like a leader? This would be a good thing as I'm convinced he's a trade union stooge who is desperately out of his depth, his continued silence on everything is most annoying. Once he opens his trap, Labour will be back in the shit again.

Wonderful. Do keep it up chaps. Who needs Corrie and Eastenders when real life is so riveting and amusing?

The One That Is Embracing The Change. . .

It is heartening that in these uncertain times some aspects of our concerns about process and propriety are listened to.

For too long we’ve been exposed to the spectre of electoral fraud and the tacit acceptance, perhaps even encouragement, of nakedly tribal and partisan voting.

It seems like for years that the cries and objections over a corrupt, ineffective and unfair voting system have been increasing in volume, and now, finally, it would appear that in the face of insurmountable pressure those in authority have finally given in and at will at least make an effort to look like they are willing to make that vital change.

It is so frustrating to know that your precious vote when cast will not effect the outcome of the contest in any significant way, and if we are to talk about organisations operating in a truly democratic manner, then this anomaly cannot be tolerated.

Thankfully it now looks as if we’ll have real and significant changes in place next time we have the opportunity to make our voices heard. Granted it will not be perfect, there is still scope for a large tribal vote to have a significant say in the outcome, but that is not the fault of the system. You cannot call for an equitable system and then complain when the result you want is not forthcoming. People’s votes are there own to do with as they see fit, but it is important that everyone’s vote carries the same weight. This is something that has been lacking in recent contests.

It is also true that a number of largely unaccountable professional wonks will also have a great bearing in what the final outcome looks like. Whilst far from ideal, it is an improvement on what has gone before, and I’m a believer in evolution being better than revolution.

Yes folks, the changes are coming, and are unlikely to stop at the next time, or the time after that. If we call for it, if we demand it, they will have to give it to us. It is, after all, OUR money backing this show up, money that is taken from us under threat of imprisonment.

So I for one am delighted that the scam of Eurovision voting has been overhauled. This is a critical issue in modern democratic process and is something we’ve needed to address for a long, long time.

You can now vote for your favourite before they’ve even gone on stage to sing ‘Fikk Fakk Fukk’ or their heart-rending ballad about a young Moldovan goat herd being interfered with by his step-father.

Get your tribal votes in early!

Unfortunately the songs will still be shit. Norton will still be annoying and not even half as funny as good ol’ Tel was. The show will overrun by a good 45 mins and be full of saccharine mawkish imagery. But you know that you just won’t be able to help yourself come May 29th, it’s like passing a crash on the opposite carriageway or sitting across from a young child conducting a deep-seam nasal investigation, you just can’t resist.

Uggggh, dirty.

The One That Has His Card. . .

No, not my polling card (although I have one of those as well) but this, my 'Bugger Off Bingo' card:

In an ideal world, come the end of the evening's entertainment on Thursday, I'll be able to shout 'HOUSE!'. In reality, it ain't going to happen, but I can dream. I'll settle for a third of the people on here losing their seats, even less if Bercow, Smith and Balls are amongst them.

I was going to blog about Labour's increasing desperation as the big day draws near and the cracks really begin to show, but it's so fucking obvious, isn't it? What's Gordon going to do tomorrow? Threaten to hold his breath until he goes blue, or to scweam and scweam and scweam until he's sick if we don't vote Labour?

He's run out of threats now, all he has is pathetic pleading. Well, that and good old fraud.Tough shit, Gordon, if people in your party can't stand you, how do you think the rest of us feel?

Anyhow, I have a selection of fine Kentish and Normandie cider in stock, and a carton of smokes lovingly purchased in Calais this afternoon and I'm ready. I'll be spending the night wearing khaki drill and a pith helmet, setting off my blunderbuss every time one of them falls in what will hopefully descend into an elephant hunt.

And critics reckon that Libertarians are nihilistic. Nihilistic? Moi? Not a bit of it.

Coming on May 7th. . . how the hell do we get rid of this arseclown Cameron?

The One That's Had An Idea. . .

This explanation of the voting procedure for the new Speaker today courtesy of Calling England:

9.30am: Michael Martin is no longer Speaker of the House. The Chair is immediately assumed by the Father of the House, currently Alan Williams, the Labour MP for Swansea West since 1964.

9.30-10.30: There is a one-hour window for nominations to be Speaker to be formally lodged with the clerks at the Table Office. Nominations must be in writing, and must consist of a signed statement of intent by the candidate, accompanied by not fewer than twelve and not more than fifteen signatures of other Members, of which at least three must be from a different party than their own. No Member can nominate more than one person.

11am: Lists of the candidates are placed in the lobby and published.

2pm: Each candidate is permitted to address the House. The order of speaking will be decided by lot (arranged by the Father of the House). After all the candidates have spoken, proceedings will move directly to the first ballot.
The presiding member (Alan Williams) will not be allowed to vote.

4pm: The first secret ballot takes place in the lobbies. Each member will be provided with a ballot paper with the list of candidates in alphabetical order. After half an hour the ballot will be declared closed.

4-5pm: Counting takes place by the Clerk of the House, and as soon as possible the results of the first ballot are announced to the House. If any candidate has received more than half the votes cast, the Presiding Member will put the question to the House that the member becomes the Speaker.

If no candidate has received more than half the votes, the candidate who received the fewest votes is removed, as well as any candidates who received less than 5% of the votes, and any candidates who have voluntarily withdrawn.

There is then a second ballot, and so on, until a candidate gets more than 50% of the House's support.

Dragging to the Chair: Once a candidate is agreed, they will immediately become the Speaker-Elect, and will be conventionally dragged to the Chair by their supporters.

The appointment needs to be approved by the Crown, through the commissioners in the Lords. If the Lords is still in business when a candidate is agreed, he or she can be confirmed straight away, and can ascend the Chair as Speaker.

Blimey, that’s a bit complicated, isn’t it? There must be a way to simplify matters. I’ve a cunning plan to ensure the strongest candidate gets in, a candidate that will lay down the law and that the rest of the House wouldn’t dare cross, it will also go a long way to ‘reconnecting’ Parliament with the electorate and would also make bloody good TV.

Erect a wrestling ring in the central lobby and gather all the MPs around it, perhaps a few of the Lords who haven’t fallen asleep on the red leather following a particularly gruelling liquid lunch could shuffle out as well. All the candidates, having been nominated by ten MPs of any political colour will then enter the ring.

Upon the chiming of the division bell, combat commences, no holds barred, foreign objects, such as the mace or despatch boxes, introduced to the ring by the watching MPs may be used with impunity. Candidates for Speaker are eliminated by being propelled over the top rope and having both feet touch the floor. Once eliminated, losing candidates must leave the lobby.

Once there is only one candidate left in the ring, he or she will be declared the winner. This procedure to be carried out annually, with the added bonus that the Speaker will have the opportunity, once a year, to challenge any MP of their choice to a loser leaves Parliament ‘Hell in a Cell’ cage match.

Watch the food allowance bills drop and the expenses claims for home multi-gyms skyrocket.

With the current candidates, under this scheme my money would be on Widders, I bet she fights really dirty.

The One That Has Been Selected. . .

I've received notice this morning that I am to sit on the jury in the Court of Public Opinion.

This Court was convened by the Labour Party following the news that Fred 'The Shred' Goodwin would keep his pension. Harriet Harman declared that the sum of money was 'unacceptable in the Court of Public Opinion.'

The Court of Public Opinion will now be hearing evidence against 646 MPs. Many of the MP's will argue that the evidence presented by the prosecution, in the shape of the Daily Telegraph, is not admissable in the court as it has been stolen. However a precedent was set in March 2009 when Harman asserted that the rule of law did not apply in CoPO.

Unlike other courts in the UK, CoPO is unusual in as much as it has a jury of 60,000,000 people, drawn from all sections of the population, representing all colours, religions, sexualities and every village, town and city in the country.

Initial judgement will be passed by CoPO on June 4th, with a secondary, final ruling to be handed down by July 2010.

The decision of CoPO is final, there is no appeal, either in the UK or in Europe, and the judgements are severe.

The One That Is Ticking Off His Checklist: 'Popcorn, Cider, Ciggies, Camcorder'. . .

A tip of the hat to Mr. E for flagging up this article from the Daily Fail:

Three Labour MPs are said to be terrified that the release of their expenses claims will expose them as adulterers and financial cheats.

Four ministers are also understood to have warned party whips they might have to resign for abusing the system, when MPs' receipts are published before the summer recess in July.

The three unnamed backbenchers are said to have been placed on 'suicide watch' by Labour whips, who fear they might break down when the details of their excesses come out.

Two are understood to have had extra-marital affairs with other members of Parliament.

Now can we just be absolutely clear about what 'suicide watch' means? Are they worried that some MPs may get a bit blubby, or are they wanting people to watch and make sure they really do top themselves?

If it is the latter, I will selflessly put myself forward for the task. Perhaps I can offer some words of consolation like 'You screwed who? How will you like sleeping in the shed you claimed for, you adulterous venal wankstain?' and 'Oh, man, you should see the crowds outside your constituency home's front door, I didn't think you could still get pitchforks, and I was convinced the manufacture of flaming torches was a dead art.' or 'Gordon's going to make you Home Sec.'

We need to make sure these useless bastards can do something properly.

It is going to be monumentally entertaining. I'll be compiling a highlights DVD, which I can watch on General Election night during that odd post-dinner - pre-polling station closing window.