Monday, 26 January 2009

The One That Is A Criminal . . .

European Commission meeting, earlier this month.

Yes! Finally made it! That's right folks, I'm officially a subversive. Chances are that you are one too, do you think if I'm really naughty that I'll find myself transported to Australia? New Zealand or Canada would be fine. Costa Rica and Switzerland wouldn't be so bad.

Anyhow, courtesy of Raewald comes this startling list of offences which could now see you sat firmly on the European naughty step database:

Offences related to waste - Check. I've put a battery in my household waste.

Unintentional environmental offences - Check. Intentional actually, jet washed my garden during a water shortage.

Insult of the State, Nation or State symbols - Check. Have you read this blog?

Insult or resistance to a representative of public authority - Check, see above.

Public order offences, breach of the public peace - Does Old Holborn's walk count?

Revealing a secret or breaching an obligation of secrecy - Not done this one.

Unintentional damage or destruction of property - Check.

Offences against migration law - an "Open category" (offences undefined thus all encompassing) - Not done this one.

Offences against military obligations - an "Open category" (offences undefined thus all encompassing) - Not done this one.

Unauthorised entry or residence - Eh?

Other offences an "Open category" (offences undefined thus all encompassing) - So pretty much anything they fancy then. I said boo to a goose once, does that count?

Other unintentional offences - See above.

Prohibition from frequenting some places - Check, wasn't allowed in a casino for 18 years

Prohibition from entry to a mass event - Not done this one.

Placement under electronic surveillance ("fixed or mobile" - eg: home, car, mobile phone etc) - Who knows. Oooh, yes. OH's walk again.

Withdrawal of a hunting / fishing license - Not done this one.

Prohibition to play certain games/sports - Check. Detention at school cut back on lunchtime football.

Prohibition from national territory - Not done this one.

Personal obligation - an "Open category" (offences undefined thus all encompassing) - Eh?

"Fine" - all fines. inc minor non-criminal offences - Check. I've had a parking ticket and returned a library book late.

Fuck me, I make Fred West look like Gary Lineker. It's a fair cop, I'll come quietly.

But of course, we're much better in this organisation than out of it.

Give me a fucking break, is this really what my grandfather fought for in the 1940's? I've broken it a few times, so I'll do it again.

Dear EU,

You are the biggest collection of authoritarian fuckwits it has ever been my misfortune to encounter, your actions would have Hitler, Stalin and Mao walking around with ecstatic boners if they could see what you are doing.

I detest absolutely everything about you, and will resist your attempts to turn a whole continent into the most soul destroying, grey and hateful place on Earth.

I detest you, and hope you all die in a wide variety of humiliating, painful and agonisingly slow fashions, whilst the citizens of Europe urinate on you and stamp on your heads, and even that is better than you deserve.


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