The One That Says 'Well, Sort Of, Said.'. . .

With a tip of the hat to The Penguin, Kate Hoey goes on to finish that which she started to say before being so rudely interrupted by that contemptible shit Martin.

Do head over and read the whole thing. Perhaps there is a shred of decency in the Labour party after all, shame it's sat at the back and told to shut the fuck up.

The One That May Pay A Visit To The Bookies. . .

Interesting to note that on an opinion poll used by Sky News this morning, given the +/- 2% margin of error, Labour could even be in third place as things stand (Con 39, Lab 26, LD 22, Others 13), this equates to around a 100 seat majority for Blue Labour if there were an election tomorrow. Except it wouldn't. With news this morning coming out about Tories claiming for moats, swimming pools, helipads and the like, one can only assume that any polls taken over the next day or two will result in a significant bounce for the Social Democrats who have been untouched as yet. That'll change though, because they are all at it. Even if they're not, that will be the public's view. Look for the 'others' column to increase over the next couple of weeks.

Make no mistake, the Telegraph are saving the best (worst?) for last, and any significant revelations about Labour MP's coming just as we go to the real polls for what promises to be a catastrophic display in the Europeans and locals for Labour could well bring Brown, if not the Government, down. I can't see the Labour membership wearing a third Prime Minister in one Parliamentary term, any such leader would be as effective as a window box on a submarine.

It has been clear for some time that Labour's chances of winning the next General Election are rated between slim and none, but that doesn't mean that Labour will sit back and wait for the welcoming embrace of death, they will do everything they can to make life for a new Tory administration as uncomfortable as possible. Brown isn't so deluded that he thinks he can win, but he can't very well come out and say 'well folks, we're fucked'.

This expenses carry on could actually be quite useful for Labour. Their stock is so damaged that really it can't get any worse, look at those figures again, they are within a whisker of being in third place, factor in votes for the SNP and Plaid Cymru and it is not impossible to imagine them being returned to the House in third place.

Calling an October election would mean that the damage to the Tories over this affair could be maximised. They'd still win, but it would have to have a fairly significant effect on their share of the vote and seats. If the news really got that bad, people would get very angry and make that known at the ballot box.

Here is the bit where Labour could be deluded though, they know that they will lose ground to the BNP and a few to the LibDems, but they don't make the connection. The Tories know that they would lose ground to UKIP, and a few to the LibDems, they too don't make the connection.

The problem with this expenses story is that the main parties will seize upon this as the reason for the expansion of those on the margins, but they'd be wrong. It is certainly a contributory factor, perhaps even the straw that broke the camel's back, but if they think that after one turbulent parliamentary term, that people will just shuffle back to their default positions, they could be in for a shock.

Expect big changes, expect sack cloth and ashes from the MPs representing the established parties, whilst those elected from BNP and UKIP (and I would be astounded if there aren't any) hit them with expenses, expenses, expenses time and time again. Expenses will be the only show in town for some considerable time.

But it isn't the only show, there will be remorse shown and claims of leopards changing their spots, but it won't matter. The established parties will still have this idea that they are the natural party of government, they still won't listen to what the electorate want, they will carry on ruling by dictat, spin and deception. After an October election, called to limit the majority of the incoming government, all three parties will be damaged and the electorate may finally realise the power that little ballot paper holds.

Summer of rage? Forget it. Let's have an Autumn of Revenge instead.

The One That Has Been Selected. . .

I've received notice this morning that I am to sit on the jury in the Court of Public Opinion.

This Court was convened by the Labour Party following the news that Fred 'The Shred' Goodwin would keep his pension. Harriet Harman declared that the sum of money was 'unacceptable in the Court of Public Opinion.'

The Court of Public Opinion will now be hearing evidence against 646 MPs. Many of the MP's will argue that the evidence presented by the prosecution, in the shape of the Daily Telegraph, is not admissable in the court as it has been stolen. However a precedent was set in March 2009 when Harman asserted that the rule of law did not apply in CoPO.

Unlike other courts in the UK, CoPO is unusual in as much as it has a jury of 60,000,000 people, drawn from all sections of the population, representing all colours, religions, sexualities and every village, town and city in the country.

Initial judgement will be passed by CoPO on June 4th, with a secondary, final ruling to be handed down by July 2010.

The decision of CoPO is final, there is no appeal, either in the UK or in Europe, and the judgements are severe.

The One That Is Delighted. . .

It's all kicking off!

The Torygraph has bought the CD and published the first lot of expenses for MPs starting with the Cabinet.

Pass the popcorn, this will be really good fun!

The One That Can Spell Betrayal. . .

Poor old Joanna Lumley, she stated yesterday that she trusted Gordon Brown following their meeting about the Gurkhas.

She's learned that lesson then.

At around 2:20 this afternoon, the Sky News ticker was promoting a press conference from the Gurkha representatives that was going to be detailing 'shocking and disturbing revelations' at 4pm.

4pm comes and it transpires that the five Gurkhas acting as test cases had been refused leave to remain in the UK. The shit was going to hit the fan.

4:10pm comes and Sky News reveals that Immigration Minister, Phil 'Custard Pie' Woolas was in an emergency meeting with Lumley. I can only imagine the meeting was going thus:

Woolas: You are one of our country's most loved actresses, representing a group of people that hold a reverential position in the nation's collective heart. Everyone hates us, please don't go and do a hatchet job on us.

Lumley: Then why piss on them, when you expressly told me you wouldn't?

Woolas: We just can't help it, it is second nature, we say we'll do one thing, you can be sure we'll go and do the exact opposite. It's crazy isn't it?

Lumley: Well what are you going to do about it?

Woolas: Resign.

Lumley: Really?

Woolas: No, I always do the opposite of what I say.

The thing is, we've a government that will piss money away on anything. Anything, and upset hundreds of thousands of people. They won't spend money on what we support.

Here's Snowolf's test for ex-Gurkhas wanting to settle in the UK:

1. Is the individual a serving or ex-member of the Gurkha regiment?

2. That's it.

Fucking simple, isn't it?

UPDATE

Well, Joanna and her team very politely tore the government a new arsehole.

There'll be nokias flying around Number 10 this afternoon, as it appears that Broon didn't know about the rejection letters (which Woolas tried to argue weren't rejections. Well if they weren't granted, what are they?) when he met Lumley. Woolas has been made to look very foolish, and the whole thing could have been very easily solved by letting the Gurkhas stay in the UK. Public support is almost unanimous. Jusy bloody do it.

Jesus, why does this government have to make such a meal of everything?

The One That Is Going To Pay Up. . .

. . . Eventually.

Ministers are to trim the number of DNA profiles on a national database by up to 850,000 after a court ruled innocent people must be removed.

Thank God for that, because just as with the Gurkhas, the government seemed determined to ignore what they were told and do what they wanted anyway.

Those arrested, but later released or acquitted, will have their profiles wiped after between six and 12 years.

Oh well, I suppose I can follow their example. I'll withold my council and road tax, and when they come calling I'll tell them I will pay, within the next six to twelve years. How much water do you think that would hold?

The One That May Surprise You. . .

I couldn't help but notice the subject of ID cards raised its head on the Daily Politics on BBC this lunchtime. It included a marvellous peice of double think from Phil 'Custard Pie' Woolas when Brillo made the point that the biometrics could be stored on passports rather than ID cards. 'Not everyone wants a passport' said Woolas.

Where as you can't get through the doors at Marsham Street for people trying to force their way in to get an ID card, can you?

Here's the suprising bit; I have no problems with an ID card.

That is an ID card that I may choose to apply for, or not. An ID card that does not contain a copy of my fingerprints, DNA, inside leg measurement, favourite brand of breakfast cereal or number of shoes I own.

I have no problem with an ID card that contains my photo, my face is on display every time I set foot out of my door, if I didn't want it seen, I'd cover it. Nor do I have a problem with my address and date of birth being displayed on it, it is already on my driving licence. I don't even have a problem with an RF chip in the card carrying an encoded electronic version of my photograph, that would make it very difficult for someone to appropriate the card and substitute the photograph.

What I do have a problem with is the idea that I would have to have an ID card, and one would assume that being obliged to have one, I'd be obliged to carry it with me at all times. One can only assume that being obliged to carry it, a nice policeman would have powers to ask to see it if he fancied having a look.

The phrase 'nothing to hide, nothing to fear' cuts no ice with me. Firstly, when I walk down the road to the shops, I'm doing just that. I am a private citizen, and where and when I choose to go for a walk is nobody's business but mine, I am doing nothing wrong.

I'm a reasonable person, and not given to unctious displays of resistance. If a policeman comes up to me and politely asks me where I'm going, I'd probably be minded to say 'I'm just walking to the shops, Constable.' I'm not about to make a big fuss about it, despite the occasional digs at the Old Bill on here, I actually quite like the police. I've always personally found them to be professional, sensible and reasonable. In the main, they are decent people who are doing a job which, through ridiculous over legislation, changes every day. They have little hope of keeping on top of the changes and have a management which implements initiative after initiative. In my opinion, most coppers just want to go out and catch bad guys. It is sad that they find themselves as pawns in a political battle.

The problems come where a simple question posed by a police officer who may have just seen something to get their spidey-senses tingling turns into the routine tap on the shoulder and the request 'papers, please.'

How many times have we seen the scene in the Cold War era thrillers, where the noble Communist regime citizen is stopped by a plain clothes agent with that same request?

I commented a while ago that it was the little things from Communist Eastern Europe that chilled me, the big monolithic systems of controlling government provide a dull ache, but the idea of being stopped on the street and being questioned, for no apparent good reason, checkpoints on the roads, having to provide details of where you are going and for how long when you leave the country, having to do the same when you travel internally, having your vehicle tracked, and your movements monitored when on foot, these all provide sharp pricks of pain.

Some we will hopefully never see in the UK, some will certainly happen, and soon, others are here already. The introduction of an ID card such as is proposed is a big step down that road and it makes me very uneasy indeed, not just for what this government would do with it, but for what the next one, and the one in ten years will do with it. Once the genie is out of the bottle, it will be almost impossible to put it back in.

The One That Is Amazed How They Still Don't Get It. . .

The penny is finally starting to drop.

The press and, if my experience is anything to go by, the public are salivating at the prospect of a shed load of MPs being undone by their venal expenses claims.

The Cabinet are starting to fall upon one another like a pack of ravenous hounds as criticism is followed by denial, followed by infighting, followed by calls for unity. I can only ever see a call for unity as a call to get behind the person calling for unity. Brown’s colleagues are starting to edge away from the ranting madman in front of them to the door marked ‘emergency exit’, no-one wanting to be the first to hit the push-bar and setting off the alarm, even fewer wanting to be the last to get through. The New Labour project really is in its last days, the air in Number 10 and on the government front benches is heavy with the stench of decay.

The facts of the matter are this; ever since Brown and Blair’s New Labour project has been put into action, the humiliation of the party has been as certain as night following day. From day one, with celebrities queuing up to get into Downing Street for a photo-op, (wherefore now, Oasis, Damon Albarn, Bonio and other celebs?), an obsession with the projection of image over every other consideration, spin, spin, spin, spin and more spin, incredible hubris, vanity and arrogance, from that very first moment, Labour were destined to consume themselves in a Bacchanalian feast that they thought would last for ever. Just as the banks gorged themselves on financial capital that didn’t exist, Labour have gorged themselves on an equally imagined political capital.

They are utterly discredited. They have betrayed those whom they promised the Earth in 1997, they have angered the rest of the population, they pick battles they cannot win against those with huge popular support, and make pronouncements they cannot back-up, or promise referenda they have no intention of delivering. They seek to control every aspect our lives, record where we go, with whom we speak, which websites we visit, to whom we send emails, or chat with on Facebook. They demand our most personal genetic and biometric data, demand we place our children on a database for their safety and security, whilst using the same argument to exclude the recording of their own progeny. The bleating of ‘four legs good, two legs baaaaad’ from the farm is audible from the bar of the village pub, crippled with enormous tax hikes, a ban on smoking and a government health inspector tut-tutting as people drink their beer and noting down who consumes what, lest that information should be needed in the future. And whilst they do all this, they cream millions of pounds of our money off into their pockets like tinpot dictators of flyblown, swamp-ridden African countries.

Not one of them, not one, has the self-awareness or decency to hold their hands up to the offences committed against this country. The deceit and deception is total, and still as the slow, painful and bloody end approaches, the party nobility just do not get it, they deceive even themselves. Neil Kinnock has told the Guardian this morning that this squabbling is ‘ludicrous and damaging’ and that the jockeying for position in anticipation of the inevitable will ‘hand victories to the BNP’.

Well, no Neil, you’re wrong. I don’t quite understand how one man with such a long political history can have been so successful despite being so wrong, so much of the time. No-one is going to vote BNP because Harriet doesn’t like Hazel, Hazel doesn’t like Ed, Ed doesn’t like David, David can’t stand Maragaret, Margaret abhors Alistair, Alistair hates Charles and everyone despises Gordon. What do we expect? They’d all walk upon disabled babies to sit in that big chair. We understand they all want power, it is just that we don’t want Labour to have it, they’ve had it for 12 years and have squandered the opportunities afforded to them.

People aren’t going to vote BNP because of your little rows, Neil, people will vote BNP because they have cleverly and skilfully positioned themselves to occupy the space vacated by the party, who charged on the attack, like Pyrrhus, to this authoritarian ground where control over everyone, everything, must be complete.

The only remaining question to be answered will be whether those in charge of the project have the courage to administer the injection, putting their pet to sleep, or whether they will sit back and watch in denial as it lies on the floor fighting to catch its final breath.

The One That Says It Is The Very Definition Of Optimism. . .

The government is seeking to rent a private jet for the use of Foreign Secretary David Miliband.

You see he's very important, he can't possibly slum it with us proles, he might get pork flu, or even worse, get the snot beaten out of him by a hateful public, even though:

the ministerial code states that scheduled flights should be used unless deemed impractical.

That isn't going to be cheap. How are they going to organise this?

A tender for the hire of a charter aircraft was issued in February and will last two years, it is understood.

Two years? Errrm, David, the expenses review is out in July, I wouldn't even bank on this government being around in two months, let alone two years, and there must be an election next year. I'll let you in to a little secret, David; you ain't gonna win it. I'm sure whoever the Tory Foreign Sec. will be is going to enjoy using it very much.

The One That Says She Is Right And Wrong In Equal Measure. . .

The Ninja Ginja Chipmunk is the latest soon to be ex-Labour MP to comment on the death of her party.

She makes some interesting points.

Communities Secretary Hazel Blears has attacked the government's "lamentable" failure to communicate.

Well this is what happens when you have a sociopath in charge. There is no discussion, it is one way traffic.

Writing in the Observer, Ms Blears says the public does not believe many of the government's policy announcements.

Many? That 'm' is kinda redundant. Try any.

And she says use of "new media" by politicians is not as effective as traditional campaigning methods.

Not when the use of new media is Brown stopping to smile midway through a YouTube video, but ends up looking like he's just seen a kid run over by a car outside.

"YouTube if you want to, but it is no substitute for knocking on doors or setting up a stall in the town centre," she says.

Except of course, when I see Blears on a YouTube video I can just not open it. I can't see through my front door, which means there is a very small chance I could get a really nasty scare on my doorstep one day. I'd rather not take the risk, just supposing I was to open the door and find her on the doorstep, only to realise that I'd left my big carving knife in the kitchen and not taken it with me?

"We need to have a relationship with the voters based on shared instincts and emotions.

As long as those instincts and emotions are identical to the ones you share, eh, Hazel?

"We need to start showing we understand the instincts, fears, hopes and emotions of the broad mass of British people."

OK, call an election then. You've had 12 fucking years to show you understand the instincts, fears, hopes and emotions of the broad mass of British people, and to be frank, it's a bit bloody late to be making a start now. So, call an election and you'll understand the hopes of the British people, alright. We hope you fuck off and never come back. That's what we hope.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown has launched an online version of Prime Minister's Questions, pledging to respond to videoclip questions submitted via the Downing Street YouTube website.

Oh, Sweet Jesus, he really doesn't learn, does he? What's the leading question on the No. 10 site at present?