On the sauce.

One of the biggest disappointments I have had recently was the failure of Diane Abbott in the Labour leadership contest. I mean, yes, it was very entertaining to see Miliband minority knife Miliband majority right between the shoulder blades, I love the way his lisp comes out when he gets excited and I think it is great the way that the unions rode roughshod over the wishes of the party membership and imposed their own leader. It is also wonderful the way that he’s completely failed to come up with a single policy idea thus far. But then, look at Cameron, it worked for him. Not a word, and then it was cast-iron, but turned out to be polystyrene.

But if only we’d had Diane Abbott, we could have enjoyed so much more. Like this:

Calls for a minimum price for alcohol are intensifying as ministers prepare to outline the latest steps to make drinking less affordable.

But shadow public health minister Diane Abbott said the government should go further and explore minimum pricing.

Oh go on, explore it.

Of course, what she means by ‘explore’ is best translated as ‘do what I bloody say whilst I smile, nod and talk down to you as if you’re a stoat with learning difficulties.’

Before the election, Labour refused to give its backing to minimum pricing.

Well, of course they did, only the SNP are stupid enough to kick someone in the bollocks and then ask for their vote. Not even Gordon Brown was that disconnected, and that’s saying something. (Say, whatever happened to him? I understand he won his seat, but we’ve not seen hide nor hair of him.)

But Ms Abbott told the BBC if a pilot showed it would reduce alcohol-related harm she would be in favour of the move.

Well, now I’m all for innovative thinking, but what does a pilot know about the price of booze and the harm it does? Firstly, the last person I want hanging around booze is a bloody pilot, plus they’re very well paid, so it probably won’t make much difference to them, plus theres' all that duty free they can pick up whilst jetting around the place, the slags. No, pilots are well qualified, but I don't think their skills are suited to this job.

Hmmm?

Oh, a pilot scheme? Well why didn’t they say that?

"It is wrong that very young children can get out of their skulls for less money than it takes to buy a bottle of coca cola.

How young are we talking here, Diane? Four? Five? There’s nothing less dignified than seeing a pre-schooler slurring the words to a nursery rhyme, pissed out of their head on booze in the park, before losing their lunch as they come down the slide.

I think it’s terrible that we see these gangs of eight year olds, challenging adults in the queue for the NiteKlub to a fight, absolutely spanked on Advocaat.

Do you know why it takes less money than a bottle of coca cola, Diane? Do you? It is because they’re very ickle, and so don’t take much booze at all.

I’ll submit my definition here. Baby – toddler – annoying little bastard (pre-school) – annoying little bastard (primary) – annoying middle sized bastard (junior school) – annoying big bastard with no sense yet all the answers, much like Diane Abbott (senior school) – adult. OK? Annoying little bastards are ‘very young children’ in my book. Once you hit the teens, the annoyance changes form, but is still as annoying.

It’s the teens you need to worry about Diane. 

Obviously the best way of preventing these ‘very young children’ from hitting the sauce is by making everyone pay more for it. But even then, I’m not entirely sure putting a minimum price is going to make all that big a difference. If only there was another way we could solve the problem.

Hmmmm.

Ooooh! Ooooh! I know, how about the Licensing Act? You know, the one your lot introduced in 2003? The one that prohibits the sale of alcohol to persons under the age of 18?

This is such a Labour solution to a perceived problem. Ignore the existing laws which obviously aren’t well enforced enough and bring in a new one, which does the same job but in a slightly different way, will have a shedload of unintended consequences and won’t be enforced properly either.

Trebles all round.

The article continues, but Dong Shitker’s name is mentioned and at that point I had to navigate away before I put my head through the screen.

Even out of government Labour boil my piss hotter than a Japanese nuclear power station’s pool.

The One That Is Marvelling . . .

Election time is over, let the stupidity begin!

Where to start? There really are some idiots out there.

Let's start with the cabin crew at BA, pictured standing outside the High Court singing 'We are the champions' as the injunction on their strike was overturned. I'm very pleased for you. CF has a very eloquent rant on the stupidity of their stance. If they've not driven the final nail into their own coffin, then they've certainly lined it up and whacked their thumb with the hammer.

I went on holiday a couple of months ago and BA were cheaper by about £50 per ticket and the take off and landing times in London were much more convenient for me, but I chose to fly Virgin. Why? Simple, I knew that the Virgin staff would turn up for work. Anyone booking a BA flight at the moment must be doing so with fingers crossed in hope. As CF points out, who is going to trust BA now? The holidaymakers won't, the business men and women won't, who does that leave? No-one. BA will be dead by the time the decade is out, and then where will these cabin crew be? I'll tell you, they'll be whining at the government for not taking our money off us and putting it in their pockets whilst they get paid a shitload more than the staff at Virgin, get free flights and all the other perks.

Tough shit. There's thousands of people who'd love to have your job. I'm sure a long haul flight is hard work, I have no doubt that the travelling public are the biggest collection of idiots and arseholes you'll ever encounter, but really, you've got it very easy and you're throwing it all away. Your loss, not mine, I've plenty of choice, see you later on.

OH then links to more stupid. This time from an article in the Graun.

The poor old MPs are having a tough time of it. They're not being given unfettered access to our money.

Aw, diddums. Here's a point, we've just had an election. If the T&C's of your employment were so onerous, why the bloody hell did you stand? Are you simple? This sort of thing just underlines how little this new politics differs from the old:

We just have to accept this because the public is not with us. It will take something really horrendous, such as a woman MP being stabbed on the streets of London because she is not entitled to take a taxi home late at night, before people wake up and realise how unfair this is.

Really? Has there been some new Act passed which forbids politicians to stand on Whitehall with their hand in the air, hailing a cab, telling the nice man where they want to go and then putting their hand in their own pocket, rather than mine, and paying the fare?

No-one pays for my transport from work to home. I have to pay for that myself. And it's not as if you're having to pay for transport from Penzance or Perth to Westminster, is it? No, you're getting a cab to your second home. A second home paid for by me.

If one of you get stabbed on the street, then perhaps you'll have an understanding of the world the rest of us live in. Now, let's think, who could possibly change that world?

Thirteen years of Labour's entitlement culture, why am I surprised? They've been telling everyone how they are deserving of this and that. Not any more, that ship has sailed.

This new government is ticking some boxes at the moment. The civil liberties thing is going down very well with me. I also enjoyed Sarko's very glum expression when Cameron was talking last night. No doubt the odious little shit was browbeating Dave for our bizarre decision to have stayed out of the Euro thus far, and the even more peverse decision to stay as far away from this phoney currency as we possibly can now. These Greek retirees with their huge state pensions and French farmers being paid an awful lot to produce fuck all aren't going to feed themselves, you know. It's our duty to bankrupt ourselves even further, to take food from our own childrens' mouths just to ensure these lazy, corrupt, grasping arseclowns can continue to be kept in the style to which they have become accustomed.

Sorry Jean-Paul, you're own your own. You spent years trying to block our produce in direct contravention of the free-trade rules and now you come crying to us because you're broke? Three points: 1 - Fuck you. 2 - We're broke too. 3 - Fuck you.

The sooner this corrupt, anti-democratic and protectionist currency and international experiment comes crashing down, the better. Hopefully Cameron digging his heels in will hasten that collapse.

Yes, it's all being going quite nicely from my point of view. Oh, hello? What's this?

The UK's coalition government has pledged to ban the sale of alcohol below cost price in an effort to cut binge drinking in England and Wales.

The plan is likely to ban retailers from running loss leader promotions on lager, wine and alcopops.

The coalition said that it would also review alcohol taxation and pricing and strengthen licensing powers.

You stupid, stupid fucks. Can you not make the connection? Is it so difficult, or are you just so hard of thinking? What is the difference between:

There were some bad apples who did terrible things with their expenses. The system had to change. But decent people in all parties are being treated in an infantile way.

And then bumping up the price of booze because:

Police officers frequently report that some of the young people they deal with arrive in pubs well on the way to being drunk thanks to cheap alcohol bought and consumed earlier in the evening.

Do you see? Do as you would be done by. You've treated us like this for years, and now you're getting some back. Not very nice, is it? Good. I hope it makes you miserable, you arrogant, preaching righteous fucks.

The One That Is Telling You To Put That Bottle Down, NOW! . . .

There will be no fun this Christmas. We’re not allowed to have fun. We don’t have time to have fun. Every waking hour must be spent plagued with guilt that we are killing ourselves, killing other people, killing a number of furry mammals, offending people, discriminating against people and setting a bad example by bringing up children incorrectly meaning they are doomed to repeat the litany just outlined.

Drinking is being denormalised, as we know, here are another couple of festive examples.

First of all there is the unconscionable fuckwit Donaldson. Another example of an unelected goon who just cannot help sticking his nose in people’s business and telling them what is best for them. Doctors love doing this and Donaldson is worse than most.

Parents who allow their children alcohol at home may be increasing the chances of future drinking problems, says England's chief medical officer.
Sir Liam Donaldson accused some parents of a "laissez-faire" approach and said letting children taste alcohol to ready them for adulthood was "misguided".

Oh God, here we go. Come on then, give us the evidence, Liam.

Evidence showed that this could lead to binge drinking in later life, he said.

Right, d’you feel like presenting the evidence? No? What a surprise.

New official guidance says under-15s should drink no alcohol, with under-17s drinking only under supervision.

You’ll notice that isn’t law, it is ‘official guidance’. Official guidance is the same as any other arseclown prodding you in the chest and lecturing you at great length in a patronising fashion, but with the added bonus that you are paying for the privilege.

No alcohol for the under-15s. Hmmmm. Yes, because historically, prohibition of any kind has been a runaway success whenever it has been employed, hasn’t it?

Under-17s drinking only under supervision. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Let’s try again shall we? How about alcohol for children as their parents see fit with no unsupervised drinking under the age of 18, which is the minimum age at which can one can legally buy alcohol in England and Wales. I’m not sure about Scotland, I think I read somewhere the SNP wanted to increase the age to 45 and only if you had letters from your former teachers, a judge, your doctor and the police saying you could be trusted with a small glass of sweet sherry once a fortnight.

Ahhhhh, I hear the Righteous start, some people can’t be trusted. OK, and? Do you really have to reduce everything to the lowest common denominator? Yes. Of course you do, because by reducing everyone to the status of the worst, ill-equipped, socially spastic scrote it makes it that much easier to justify your baffling control freakery.

Have a festive fuck off from me.

What else is festive? Oh yes, Father Christmas. But he’s persona non-grata as well now.

No, not because of that, you filthy minded little skit, it has nothing to do with him coming down chimneys into the bedrooms of sleeping children. It is because his lifestyle is unacceptable.

Santa should get off his sleigh and walk, and lay off the brandy and mince pies, says an Australian study that criticises Father Christmas for being a bad role model. The current image of Santa Claus promotes obesity, drink-driving, speeding and an unhealthy lifestyle, says a study from Monash University published in the British Medical Journal.

I think the Australian tax payer needs to ask some fairly searching questions about what it is the people at Monash University are doing for their money if they’ve time to trot this arsegravy out.

Santa should go on diet (sic) and the tradition of leaving him cookies, mince pies or brandy should cease, it says. Instead, he could share carrots and celery sticks left for his reindeer.

Hmmmm, yes, yes he could. But let’s try another suggestion, why not fuck off and not bother us with your sanctimonious twaddle, you joyless, horrible, grey little cretin? I bet your mouth is set in a constant cat’s arse pucker of disapproval, isn’t it? Does it make you miserable? Good. I hope you remain in misery for the rest of your life.

“Santa might also be encouraged to adopt a more active method to deliver toys — swapping his reindeer for a bike or simply walking or jogging,” the study says.

Yes, and you might also be encouraged to suck my cock.

I believe very strongly in the rule of law, but sometimes, just sometimes, I long for summary justice, big iron bars and lynch mobs.

The One That Is Glad They've Figured It Out. . .

For years now we've seen the (faux?) wringing of hands from the politicians about how to increase the turnout of young voters at elections, which sits at a very low level.

Fair play to the MSPs who seem to have cracked this issue and look like adopting a policy which will hopefully see voters aged 18 to 20 turn out in record numbers north of the border:

Controversial legislation to bring in minimum-pricing for alcohol in Scotland will be defeated by opposition parties.

The SNP government said its legislation to take it forward would tackle drink-fuelled violence and health problems. But Labour, the Tories and the Lib Dems raised concern the measure, contained in the Alcohol Bill, was illegal under European competition law.

The bill also included proposals to ban drink promotions, powers for licensing boards to raise age for buying drink from 18 to 21 and a "social responsibility fee" for retailers who sell alcohol.

Yep, that'll get them turning out in pretty short order, the thing is they won't vote for you. They'll be voting for the other guys. What was the percentage of the electorate who voted Labour in Glasgow NE? 17% or something like that? I wonder what percentage of the electorate in the average constituency is between 18 to 20 years old?

Still it's not all bad news, the social responsibility fee sounds like common sense, after all they charge car manufacturers the same to deal with the fall out from road crashes, don't they? No? Oh, perhaps this is the shape of things to come then. It's still a good idea, as it will help bankroll the benefits of all those people who currently work in the production, packaging, distribution and retail of alcohol north of the border who will probably lose their jobs fairly soon as a result.

And what about those little tykes who live close to the border with the Auld Enemy? They'll just get in their cars and head south to do the booze shopping. Is this just a sneaky plan to usher in the EU regionalist model? Will there be police and customs officers manning a control at every point of entry between England and Scotland looking for contraband grog?

There's an Eliot Loch-Ness gag there, but I won't insult your intelligence.

The One That Is Rambling. . .

So much for me taking a break.

A few points have driven to be surprised, puzzled and exasparated in equal measure. I shall cover them below in the vain hope that some common thread unites them.

Firstly, I've just finished watching the final part of this week's running Torchwood mini-series on Nanny Beeb. I was surprised that a programme with such a subversive story was aired on the channel. However I thought the ending was a little lame, and the message was clear.

For those who didn't see it, the story as it unfolded surrounded the arrival of the '456', an alien race who had visited Earth in the 60's and sneaked off with a dozen kids. Now they were back, demanding 10% of the planet's juvenile population. It transpired the aliens used the kids as a narcotic and they released a virus into Thames House to show what would happen if the Earth's authorities didn't comply. Of course the politicos and military after seconds of soul searching decided to comply. Our heroes in Torchwood had managed to covertly film the negotiations with the 456 and the Cobra meetings and threatened to go public. But they didn't. As the army kicked in doors and pinned angry parents to the floor as they spirited their kids away, the message was clear:

Don't even try and resist. There's no point, there's nothing you can do about it.

Nice. They could have done a lot better.

Secondly, there was an item on Nanny Beeb's news bulletin that followed about the recession, and it featured some stats about a brewery in Bedford, I forget which one. They make something like 40 million pints of beer a year, selling pretty much all of it in the UK, but their sales are falling and they could be in trouble.

Hang on. Aren't we being told that we're all drinking far too much? You can't step out of your front door without tripping over some 5 year old binge drinker, drunk and pissed up on booze.* What gives?

They must be buying it all from supermarkets, because a can of own-brand lager is about 0.003p and a bottle of water is £47. Or is it?

I've been checking the online big 4 supermarket websites, Tesco, Asda, Sainsbury and Ocado/Waitrose. Let's see what a can of middle of the road own brand costs compared to a bottle of own brand still water.

Sainsbury Crown Lager - £1.14 p/litre. Sainsbury Caledonian Still Water - 47p p/litre.
Tesco Lager - £1.15 p/litre. Tesco Perthshire Mountain Still Water - 50p p/litre.
ASDA Pilsner - £1.54 p/litre. ASDA Eden Falls Still Water - 45p p/litre.
Waitrose Spanish Cerveza Lager - £2.28 p/litre Waitrose Scottish National Still Water - 55p p/litre.

So let's forget all this guff about beer being cheaper than water shall we? Ahh, but Wolfers, these kids are getting smashed on alchopops. OK, let's look at those prices, shall we (I'll take Smirnoff Ice, as not all retailers do own brands, but where they do, their equivalent's price will be included in brackets)?

Sainsbury - Smirnoff Ice - £3.08 p/litre (£2.50 p/litre).
Tesco - Smirnoff Ice - £3.82 p/litre (£2.24 p/litre).
ASDA - Smirnoff Ice - £3.82 p/litre.
Ocado - Smirnoff Ice - £3.23 p/litre.

The whole thing is bollocks anway. People who are thirsty wouldn't go, 'hmmm that cheap can of beer will rehydrate me a great deal better than this bottle of water'. Yes, the beer is cheaper in the supermarket than at the pub, but that doesn't matter either, as all the pubs are closing.

So, in conclusion, pubs are closing, breweries are shitting themselves and beer and alchopops are more expensive than water. Yet still we're supposed to believe that drinking is on the increase? Piss off. This isn't about health, it is about us being browbeaten at every opportunity, to condition us into thinking we need looking after. We don't. Fuck right off, and leave us the fuck alone. Got it?

Finally. It also seems that protests are continuing about the election in Iran. I don't get it. It seems to me that the President can't even take a fart without the Ayatollah giving the order. The difference between I'madinnerjacket and the other bloke, Moussaka or whatever his name is, is like the difference between a glass of milk, and a glass of milk in a different style of glass.

Now Iran's Guardian Council had a pretence of a re-count. I don't understand why. The President will do what he's bloody told, so it doesn't matter who has the job. However, if you convince the electorate that it does matter, then at least put the bloke in that they choose. It may not make any difference, but it will at least keep the public sweet.

By saying 'screw you' to the Iranian public, the Guardian Council is now really running the risk of seeing the 'Ceacescu Moment', that's the bit where the bloke in charge stands in front of the big ground, not understanding why they're booing, waving pitch-forks and nooses and the like, while the guys in uniform standing behind suddenly make a dash for the helicopters.

Perhaps they don't realise what happens when the largest portion of the population says 'enough, you're leaving.' Or perhaps they do and think they can use it to off the Ayatollah and take control themselves, but that's a hell of a risk. Why bring about confrontation when it isn't needed?

Ah, and there's the common thread. I've just written about them all. Seamless, wasn't it?

*With humble thanks to the God that is Chris Morris.

The One That Will Not Be Going On A Booze Cruise. . .

. . . to Berwick upon Tweed.

Thankfully I do not live in the only country in Europe planning to introduce a regime to set a minimum price for a unit* of alcohol.

The SNP must HATE being in power to introduce a policy such as this. Another example of authoritarian fuckwittery. Poor old Scots, at least in England we only have 3 parties of authoritarian fuckwittery, those unfortunate bastards have 4.

I look forward to seeing Customs detection officers stood on the Anglo-Scottish border. 'And where have ye bin, sonny? Doon to England fer tha' cheap booze? Open the boot up. Hey, Wullie, c'mon and see all this booze!'

Good Lord, how to ensure a 'Summer of Rage' north of the border. Leg Iron quite rightly says that if we don't riot, Labour will be swept out office at the next election. If we do riot, there will be no election.

The SNP have the Scottish Parliament, Labour have a lot to lose north of the border in a Westminster election, a few riots, Civil Contingencies Act kicks in, no elections, SNP and Labour win. Be careful Scotland, be very careful, don't raise to the bait.

Of course, ALL Jocks are terrible alcoholics, so they'll all react like Father Jack. We've had it, Brown will clamp down on us, suspend 'democracy' and all because some Gorbals tramp sees the cost of a bottle Buckfast go up.

*That's the same 'unit' that was revealed to be a measurement with no more grounding in science than the creator's imagination.

The One That Doesn't Understand Why They Don't Get It. . .

Look! Look at it! This is dangerous and is causing 6% of hospital admissions, crippling the NHS.

Except it isn't.

You see a pint of beer, glass of wine, bottle of alchopop or multiples thereof no more cause hospital admissions than a badger.

It is individuals that drink bloody stupid amounts of alcohol that cause them. I know that if I drink a stupid amount of alcohol that I will start talking very loudly, tell everyone I love them and eventually will fall over, no doubt causing myself an injury requiring medical attention. I also know that if I go out and attempt to pick up a badger that I will suffer multiple bites and lose blood. Therefore I do neither of the above.

Of course our government doesn't see it that way. They don't think I am sufficiently wise to make a decision myself, so they intend to hold retailers responsible. Apparently retailers do not display enough information about alcoholic units (which are bullshit anyway) or propaganda about temperance.

What this requires is, surprise surprise, tough new laws for retailers who don't waste enough effort pointing out the bleeding obvious. This is akin to holding the motortrade accountable for road accidents for not displaying posters saying 'Hey! If you drive on the wrong side of the road, you'll probably crash' and 'Running people down really hurts them'.

If you take an average Friday night, the amount of people out drinking will be, ooooh, loads. The amount admitted to hospital will be not many.

Problem: Some people can't go out for the night without getting absolutely trolleyed, starting fights and ending up in hospital.

Solution: If these people can't behave responsibly then target those people, rather than all of us, by making them re-imburse the tax payer for their medical treatment or custody.


DON'T
START
FUCKING
BANNING
STUFF

I understand that our authoritarian government want a population of mindless dolts with no capacity to think for themselves, but the only logical end of that policy is the complete destruction of the nation, no business, no arts, no academic excellence, bankruptcy and complete reliance on a state that will have neither the skills nor the resources to look after the population.

Just look at the former Communist bloc, is that really what these people want? Believe me you arrogant little politico fucktards, you really don't have the skills or wisdom to run Utopia, you are, to be frank, shit at the job you do at the moment. You simply aren't ready for any more control.

So how about leaving me to make decisions about my life, and leaving me to deal with consequences if I make the wrong decisions? It'll be my fault then, not yours, there'll be no 'something must be done'.

In other words, just fuck off leave me alone, will you? If I came up to you and continually flicked you on the cheek, you'd ask me to stop, if I didn't quit it, you'd end up smacking me one.

Don't say you haven't been warned.

The One That Wishes They'd Stop Bloody Banning Things. . .

It really does beggar belief.

Now we have plans to ban (I'm starting to respond to that word as I do to the word 'Nigger' - with revulsion) the sale of alcohol in off licences and supermarkets to the under 21's in Scotland.

What


The


Fuck?

There was some Johnny on Al-Beeb a moment ago representing the Scottish Licencesee Association, or some-such bemoaning the fact that the supermarkets are knocking out booze much, much cheaper than pubs.

Well? Yes? Should we also ban the little counters selling pre-cooked chickens and curry on that basis?

He then goes on to moan about falling numbers in Scottish pubs.

Now, what has recently been banned in pubs that means a large number of people could turn to drinking at home?

Furthermore, this causes problems because people are now drinking out of pubs and out of a controlled environment. A controlled environment? Give me strength. Go to my local Weatherspoons, the very embodiment of a controlled environment, no music, no telly, no sitting at the bar, drinking in the new Soviet is upon us. See how controlled it is at kicking out time. I was in NY a few years ago and was amazed to see a little sign on a bar-top which said something along the lines of 'For your enjoyment a maximum of three drinks may be consumed.' In other words, we've decided how much you can safely drink, it was like trying to buy more than a dozen paracetemol. For Pete's sake, don't let the politicos hear 'drinking in a controlled environment' next thing will be having to go to a State Booze Shop and buying vouchers which can be exchanged in state approved drinking dens and we'll be limited to the daily amount of units allowed for our gender.

Then he went even further and suggested a state set minimum price for alcohol, to prevent supermarkets knocking out Belgian stubbies at 12p a bottle or whatever. This isn't binge drinking control, this is competition nobbling. To dress it up for the social good is cynical and underhand, you should be disgusted with yourself.

But where has all this come from? Ah yes, the SNP. Now I have no problem with the Scots having a chance to vote on splitting from the Union (in fact here's an idea, let's save some cash and have it on the same day we have a referendum on our continued membership of the EU, bugger Lisbon, let's go the whole hog), but fuck me, what a bloody shower. Quite happy to argue for the vote for sixteen year olds, this suggests their vote is quite young, banging on about marriage, taxes and the army, but then turning around and saying you can't buy a bottle of wine to have with your dinner until you're 21! I bet all those 14 year olds are quaking in their boots as they score a bottle of Buckie, they'll be breaking the law by seven years now, rather than four. I'm sure the good burghers of Greenock will be able to sleep safely in their beds.

STOP FUCKING BANNING THINGS.

JUST STOP IT.









STOP IT NOW.




YOU FUCKERS.