The One That Is Telling You To Put That Bottle Down, NOW! . . .

There will be no fun this Christmas. We’re not allowed to have fun. We don’t have time to have fun. Every waking hour must be spent plagued with guilt that we are killing ourselves, killing other people, killing a number of furry mammals, offending people, discriminating against people and setting a bad example by bringing up children incorrectly meaning they are doomed to repeat the litany just outlined.

Drinking is being denormalised, as we know, here are another couple of festive examples.

First of all there is the unconscionable fuckwit Donaldson. Another example of an unelected goon who just cannot help sticking his nose in people’s business and telling them what is best for them. Doctors love doing this and Donaldson is worse than most.

Parents who allow their children alcohol at home may be increasing the chances of future drinking problems, says England's chief medical officer.
Sir Liam Donaldson accused some parents of a "laissez-faire" approach and said letting children taste alcohol to ready them for adulthood was "misguided".

Oh God, here we go. Come on then, give us the evidence, Liam.

Evidence showed that this could lead to binge drinking in later life, he said.

Right, d’you feel like presenting the evidence? No? What a surprise.

New official guidance says under-15s should drink no alcohol, with under-17s drinking only under supervision.

You’ll notice that isn’t law, it is ‘official guidance’. Official guidance is the same as any other arseclown prodding you in the chest and lecturing you at great length in a patronising fashion, but with the added bonus that you are paying for the privilege.

No alcohol for the under-15s. Hmmmm. Yes, because historically, prohibition of any kind has been a runaway success whenever it has been employed, hasn’t it?

Under-17s drinking only under supervision. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Let’s try again shall we? How about alcohol for children as their parents see fit with no unsupervised drinking under the age of 18, which is the minimum age at which can one can legally buy alcohol in England and Wales. I’m not sure about Scotland, I think I read somewhere the SNP wanted to increase the age to 45 and only if you had letters from your former teachers, a judge, your doctor and the police saying you could be trusted with a small glass of sweet sherry once a fortnight.

Ahhhhh, I hear the Righteous start, some people can’t be trusted. OK, and? Do you really have to reduce everything to the lowest common denominator? Yes. Of course you do, because by reducing everyone to the status of the worst, ill-equipped, socially spastic scrote it makes it that much easier to justify your baffling control freakery.

Have a festive fuck off from me.

What else is festive? Oh yes, Father Christmas. But he’s persona non-grata as well now.

No, not because of that, you filthy minded little skit, it has nothing to do with him coming down chimneys into the bedrooms of sleeping children. It is because his lifestyle is unacceptable.

Santa should get off his sleigh and walk, and lay off the brandy and mince pies, says an Australian study that criticises Father Christmas for being a bad role model. The current image of Santa Claus promotes obesity, drink-driving, speeding and an unhealthy lifestyle, says a study from Monash University published in the British Medical Journal.

I think the Australian tax payer needs to ask some fairly searching questions about what it is the people at Monash University are doing for their money if they’ve time to trot this arsegravy out.

Santa should go on diet (sic) and the tradition of leaving him cookies, mince pies or brandy should cease, it says. Instead, he could share carrots and celery sticks left for his reindeer.

Hmmmm, yes, yes he could. But let’s try another suggestion, why not fuck off and not bother us with your sanctimonious twaddle, you joyless, horrible, grey little cretin? I bet your mouth is set in a constant cat’s arse pucker of disapproval, isn’t it? Does it make you miserable? Good. I hope you remain in misery for the rest of your life.

“Santa might also be encouraged to adopt a more active method to deliver toys — swapping his reindeer for a bike or simply walking or jogging,” the study says.

Yes, and you might also be encouraged to suck my cock.

I believe very strongly in the rule of law, but sometimes, just sometimes, I long for summary justice, big iron bars and lynch mobs.