The One That Will Not Be Enjoying It. . .

Ahh, it's started, the World Cup.

If you've come here expecting a diatribe about the insignificance of football, of how it is the opium for the masses and we should all spend our time doing nothing but reading Marx/Smith/Hayek, then you've come to the wrong place.

If you're expecting me to dismiss it by reducing it to the level of 22 men kicking a ball about a field, then I'll respond by saying Trafalgar was just a bunch of guys titting around in boats.

If you're expecting me to engage in some shocking snobbery about how it is culturally inferior to Rugby, then you're going to be disappointed. What is it about Rugby? The Union code in England especially? Why is it deemed acceptable (if technically outside the rules) to smack someone in the mouth, gouge their eyes, stamp on them or pick them up and drive them headfirst into the ground? Behaviour like that on the street would see you up in front of the magistrates. Just because after you've finished trying to purposefully injure someone, you put on a pair of chinos and buy them a pint of Flowers bloody IPA does not make it a decent way to behave.

I digress.

There's plenty wrong with football. There's plenty wrong with everything. But I am totally, hopelessly devoted to the sport, and the World Cup in particular. Yes FIFA is an odious organisation and Blatter, the President, deserves to be stood against a wall and peppered with free kicks from Koeman, Roberto Carlos and Charlton (R) for the rest of his days, but there you go.

Thing is, I can't enjoy the World Cup this year, and it isn't because of the Uwe Seeler horns.

I've been told I'm not allowed.

Firstly there's the sponsors:

FIFA has scored an "own goal" by agreeing sponsorship deals for the 2010 World Cup with companies that sell unhealthy products, campaigners say.

The World Cancer Research Fund criticised the governing body for partnering with the likes of Coca Cola, McDonald's and Budweiser.

It said the tournament should be an opportunity to promote active lifestyles.

Oh God, here we go. I wish Pfizer or Astra-Zeneca were sponsors, their blood pressure reduction drugs will surely come in handy if I read much more of this shit.

Promote active lifestyles? How could you do that? Oh, here's an idea, blanket coverage of young, fit sportsmen, all earning tens of thousands a week (barring the North Koreans) and the undying love of their public. Sounds like a pretty bloody good reason to be active to me. Play often, train well, and you could be like them.

The World Cancer Research fund can fuck off.

Still, at least the promoters of this poison aren't being held solely responsible. And we are being offered a sensible alternative:

The Food Standards Agency (FSA) which has an annual budget of £135m, has issued four pages of advice on how to make "healthier choices ... while you're feasting on the footie".

It suggests fans "walk to the pub instead of taking the bus" or "use half-time for a brisk walk and some fresh air"

Nurse! The pills! The pills!

World Cup party hosts are urged to serve apples and grapes rather than crisps, while those grabbing a takeaway are warned to "choose a shish kebab with pitta bread and salad rather than a doner kebab".

In a section entitled "down the pub", fans are told: "Enjoying the match at your local pub can be great fun, but the snack and meal choices tend to be limited.

"Bar snacks are often high in salt and fat, particularly saturated fat. Give pork scratchings a miss and go for unsalted peanuts."

Anyhow even if we do ignore the evils of fast-food, fizzy drink and shite beer and engage in a spot of light aerobics, we're still not doing it right. Because if you're not sat on the sofa, there's only possible other thing you could be doing.

Police forces and hospitals across England are preparing to deal with an increase in binge drinking, domestic violence and street crime during the World Cup.

As the British exodus to South Africa reached a peak yesterday, a senior doctor warned that A&E wards in this country are expecting a 15 per cent rise in alcohol-related injuries during the tournament.

So, deal with them then, this is what they're paying their national insurance for.

Women’s Aid, a national domestic violence charity, have got several male celebrities to back their campaign. Nicola Harwin, chief executive of the charity, said: “Some police areas have found an increase in the reporting of incidents of domestic violence during big sporting events such as the World Cup, so now is a very relevant time to raise awareness. We hope that this campaign will reach out to both men and women to send out the clear message that domestic violence is never acceptable.”

Oh for crying out loud. Then charge them, then. And when they appear in court, send them to prison. Really, it shouldn't take a global event once every 4 years to make that obvious. Besides, how many of these wife-beaters are from under-privileged backgrounds who were let down the education system so therefore can't be blamed for their actions?

Or you could go and find someone from the FSA and give them a good shoeing, that's very nearly a public service.

The good old NHS brings it together nicely:

Dr John Heyworth said hospitals see an increase in domestic abuse, assaults, trips, falls down stairs and people crashing their cars.

It's no good, I've got to stop, I'm starting to get a nosebleed now.

Can you not just fuck off and leave us to enjoy the football in peace?

Actually, I say enjoy, but I think the good Dr. Heyworth may have a point, so dire was the fare on offer from France and Uruguay last night that I was tempted to go out in my car and drive at speed into a wall just to take the pain away.

The One That Is Telling You To Put That Bottle Down, NOW! . . .

There will be no fun this Christmas. We’re not allowed to have fun. We don’t have time to have fun. Every waking hour must be spent plagued with guilt that we are killing ourselves, killing other people, killing a number of furry mammals, offending people, discriminating against people and setting a bad example by bringing up children incorrectly meaning they are doomed to repeat the litany just outlined.

Drinking is being denormalised, as we know, here are another couple of festive examples.

First of all there is the unconscionable fuckwit Donaldson. Another example of an unelected goon who just cannot help sticking his nose in people’s business and telling them what is best for them. Doctors love doing this and Donaldson is worse than most.

Parents who allow their children alcohol at home may be increasing the chances of future drinking problems, says England's chief medical officer.
Sir Liam Donaldson accused some parents of a "laissez-faire" approach and said letting children taste alcohol to ready them for adulthood was "misguided".

Oh God, here we go. Come on then, give us the evidence, Liam.

Evidence showed that this could lead to binge drinking in later life, he said.

Right, d’you feel like presenting the evidence? No? What a surprise.

New official guidance says under-15s should drink no alcohol, with under-17s drinking only under supervision.

You’ll notice that isn’t law, it is ‘official guidance’. Official guidance is the same as any other arseclown prodding you in the chest and lecturing you at great length in a patronising fashion, but with the added bonus that you are paying for the privilege.

No alcohol for the under-15s. Hmmmm. Yes, because historically, prohibition of any kind has been a runaway success whenever it has been employed, hasn’t it?

Under-17s drinking only under supervision. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Let’s try again shall we? How about alcohol for children as their parents see fit with no unsupervised drinking under the age of 18, which is the minimum age at which can one can legally buy alcohol in England and Wales. I’m not sure about Scotland, I think I read somewhere the SNP wanted to increase the age to 45 and only if you had letters from your former teachers, a judge, your doctor and the police saying you could be trusted with a small glass of sweet sherry once a fortnight.

Ahhhhh, I hear the Righteous start, some people can’t be trusted. OK, and? Do you really have to reduce everything to the lowest common denominator? Yes. Of course you do, because by reducing everyone to the status of the worst, ill-equipped, socially spastic scrote it makes it that much easier to justify your baffling control freakery.

Have a festive fuck off from me.

What else is festive? Oh yes, Father Christmas. But he’s persona non-grata as well now.

No, not because of that, you filthy minded little skit, it has nothing to do with him coming down chimneys into the bedrooms of sleeping children. It is because his lifestyle is unacceptable.

Santa should get off his sleigh and walk, and lay off the brandy and mince pies, says an Australian study that criticises Father Christmas for being a bad role model. The current image of Santa Claus promotes obesity, drink-driving, speeding and an unhealthy lifestyle, says a study from Monash University published in the British Medical Journal.

I think the Australian tax payer needs to ask some fairly searching questions about what it is the people at Monash University are doing for their money if they’ve time to trot this arsegravy out.

Santa should go on diet (sic) and the tradition of leaving him cookies, mince pies or brandy should cease, it says. Instead, he could share carrots and celery sticks left for his reindeer.

Hmmmm, yes, yes he could. But let’s try another suggestion, why not fuck off and not bother us with your sanctimonious twaddle, you joyless, horrible, grey little cretin? I bet your mouth is set in a constant cat’s arse pucker of disapproval, isn’t it? Does it make you miserable? Good. I hope you remain in misery for the rest of your life.

“Santa might also be encouraged to adopt a more active method to deliver toys — swapping his reindeer for a bike or simply walking or jogging,” the study says.

Yes, and you might also be encouraged to suck my cock.

I believe very strongly in the rule of law, but sometimes, just sometimes, I long for summary justice, big iron bars and lynch mobs.

The One That Is NOT Having Fun. . .

Someone who is demonstrably NOT a war criminal, earlier today.

Fun isn't allowed. Fun kills people, ruins lives and is discriminatory.

Besides, those in the know will tell you that true fun only comes from pitching your tent as a spectator at the disabled amputee lesbian ethnic minority carbon neutral everyone-a-winner organic hopping championships sponsored by Vegan Emma's Fairtrade Lentils.*

You can only have fun at events like that, but mind you go easy on the elderflower cordial, any other fun is baaaaaaaad.

Especially fun in video games:

Video games depicting war have come under fire for flouting laws governing armed conflicts.

Human rights groups played various games to see if any broke humanitarian laws that govern what is a war crime.

The study condemned the games for violating laws by letting players kill civilians, torture captives and wantonly destroy homes and buildings.

It said game makers should work harder to remind players about the real world limits on their actions.

*deepest sigh that it is possible to imagine*

You do understand these games aren't real, don't you?

I'm not a lover of this genre, not on any philiosophical level, they just don't do it for me. It's a shame that this logic doesn't extend to other games because I love sports games. If the logic did hold, I'd be a roaming attacking midfielder for Barcelona or an explosive running back for the New York Jets such would their influence be on me.

Hang on . . .

kill civilians, torture captives and wantonly destroy homes and buildings.

When is any gamer going to be able to do that?

Here's a message for the people peddling this complete arse-gravy:

There's a door over there. Open it, go on, no drop into the darkness, no wild animal or elaborate booby trap, it's just a door. Opened it? Good. Now step through and close it behind you. Can you still hear me? Excellent, now walk away and keep walking until you have put a distance between us such that a reasonable person can be satisfied that you have fucked off and left me alone.

It's an illusion. No, not the game, that's a simulation. The illusion is that you think these games are going to lead to people committing war crimes. I understand why, you seem to think that people are influenced by anything you have to say, thus you think people are influenced by these games. You are wrong on both scores.

No-one gives a flying fuck what you say, everyone understands that these games aren't real.

I do hope that is clear enough for you.

















Twits.

*Sponsorship in form of donation to Endangered Polar Bear Battered Wives Association - Reg'd charity number 237627849889326

The One That Is Pleased The Recycling Agenda Is Being Followed. . .

We've been told that recycling is very important. I tend to agree, why make something new when you can re-use something old? It's just common and economic sense, the environmental concerns are all very well, but the idea of recycling is a winner just on the first two grounds.

I draw the line somewhere though.

At Easter, I blogged the following:

'Teddy, a six-year-old donkey with Anna Usborne, in Chalford, Gloucestershire, ahead of an Easter Sunday walk that aims to encourage children to enjoy a chocolate-free weekend, for the sake of their health.'

Oh do shut up and fuck off, there's a good woman.

'Hey kids, no chocolate this morning, it's bad for you. But we're going on a walk, and you'll see a lovely donkey. Won't that be nice?'

Well what's this I spy?

Parents should shun chocolate bars and sweets this Halloween and instead give their children spooky-themed healthy food, a charity says.

Yes, folks. It's the recycling of news stories.

Same story, same comment from me.

Fuck off you meddling, purse-lipped, joyless, bleak, grey, miserable arse-wipes.

When will you get the message that we couldn't care less about you, what you think or what you stand for and we will take no notice of you whatsoever?

I look forward to the same being trotted out in a few weeks for the festive period.

The One That Will Probably Go To France. . .

November is less than 24 hours away, and with November comes an increase in the money taken from people by holding them upside down and shaking them when they arrive at a UK airport.

planned rises in APD [. . .] will add up to £4 to the cost of a short-haul flight and up to £90 to the cost of a long-haul flight.

£90? Jesus, if you are a family of four going to Disney in Florida, that amounts to buying a ticket for a fifth member of the party and just tearing it up.

This is the new tithe to the religion of Warmism. I'm pretty bloody far from convinced about the whole shooting match, but even if it is right, what good is this tax going to do? The planes will still take off, full or empty, they have to, it is in their contracts with the airports. Nor do I see the connection with taking money off people and what that money actually does to 'save' the planet.

From Novmeber 2010, they are set to rise again!

It is a cynical attempt at emotional blackmail to take money off people to bankroll the explosion of public sector non-jobs that have proliferated since the economy went south.

Mrs. Snowolf and I were going to go to Gatwick and fly to North America in the spring.

We're probably not going to do that now. If they think they're getting any tax out of me, they can think again. We'll go to France instead. I can get a foot passenger ticket from Dover to Calais for about £4 each, and then for about another £20 can get a TGV ticket from Calais Ville to Paris CDG airport. They do flights to North America from there you know, plus I can have a fag in an indoor lounge whilst I wait for my flight to take off as well.

Those of you living in the South West and Wales would probably save £40 by going Pembroke - Rosslare and getting the train to Dublin. Those in the North could save cash by going Stranraer - Dun Laoghaire and then hopping over to the airport.

It's bit of extra faffing around, but I'm buggered if I'm going to give the government my cash if I can get away without doing so. Then of course, there's the e-borders scheme, in my experience the ferry ports will be a good deal behind the airports in its implementation, so you get to remain a private citizen rather than a chattel of the state.

Fuckers.