The One That Wants Him To Hang On Just One Damn Minute. . .

Shadow Chancellor George Osborne has set out eight 'Benchmarks for Britain' by which he says the success of a Conservative government's economic plans should be judged.

They haven't got in yet and I hate them already. Burbling on about environmnetally sustainable economic recovery. Oh God, give me strength.

Look, George, I'll judge your government record, if it happens, by my own criteria, got it?

You don't get to decide how we judge you, I don't accept your criteria, I don't accept your right to set those criteria, I don't want to hear you banging on about these criteria for the next 5 years as if it is the only benchmark by which you can be judged.

Here's Snowolf's eight criteria for judging a Conservative government.

1- I'll make the first one easy, shall I? Call in the civil service heads of department and find out what they actually know about the areas they are responsible for. If they 'errrrm', 'arrrrrr', 'get back to you on that' or 'don't know' then get rid of them. Then get rid of the layer below them, and probably the next 2 layers below that. I know for a fact that higher/middle senior civil service management keep their very high management in the dark, lest they find out the awful truth. The senior managers haven't figured this out yet. Get shot of the lot of them.

2- Destroy the quango's. Lay waste to them. There's a huge saving right there, you needn't touch the police, schools or hospitals and still save shitloads.

3- But do touch the police, schools or hospitals. Waste is endemic. Make them account for every single penny if they value their continued employment. Make them feel that every penny is coming out of their own personal pocket. Forbid them from cutting front line services. In fact, make them expand front line services. If they fail, no pay-off, no pension, just the sack. Make the police arrest proper bad people, no more community this, and outreach that. The police are for catching criminals. Make schools teach pupils, no more social work or community engineering, forget these endless tests, most teachers aren't idiots and know which pupils are outstanding, which pupils aren't so hot and which pupils need a kick up the arse to perform. Let headteachers discipline badly behaved kids, the rights of the kids that want to learn trump those of kids who don't. Let doctors make people better, no smoking or drinking questioning, if they're ill, then cure it. Give Matron control over blocks of four to six wards, make her responsible for the cleaning and bed/theatre management. Matron rocks and knows much better than the Health Secretary, she certainly knows better than the doctors. Give her the staff and authority.

4- Once you've cut the spending, cut the taxes. Bring back the lower band for lower earners. Give people coming off benefits one year tax free to establish themselves. Get them out of that trap. Reward them for getting off their arses, don't reward them for wandering into the labyrinth.

5- Reduce the duty on petrol. It's a fucking joke. You're crippling workers and businesses. Outside the cities, public transport is not up to the job of people moving around. It can get better, but in the short term people need help. This amounts to a tax on going to work. It sucks.

6- Give us the referendum on the Lisbon treaty like you promised. At least. Better still, give us the big one. If the majority of people want to come out of Europe, then accept it. You will be there to represent our wishes, not to impose yours on us. Remember that.

7- If our military really have to play silly buggers over the world. Then give them the kit to do the job. Give them proper healthcare and proper housing. Exempt them from tax. Give them the support to shoot back at people who shoot at them until they are all dead. Give them the power to sink pirates' boats, if the pirates are on those boats at the time, all the better. If they are aboard our boats, then maroon them. Act like a pirate, die like a pirate. Engage in piracy or attack our troops, then it's all good.

8- Get your noses out of our lives. Stop measuring, watching, tracking, investigating, following, recording, monitoring and nannying us. It pisses us off and we've done nothing wrong.

If these 8 benchmarks are not met, I'll consider you a failure.

Please feel free to set your own, by the way. It's your vote, so it's your criteria, never forget that. You set out the rules by which you judge your government, not them.