The One That Thinks They Are Pathetic. . .

I’m finding this hard to understand. This whole Northern Ireland thing, at the risk of making understatement of the 21st Century, is a bit daft, isn’t it?

The crux of the matter seems to be that a large minority despise their counterparts because they say their prayers differently, one side also don’t like the other very much because they like to wear silly clothes and walk about in an odd fashion because they won a battle over three hundred years ago. I wonder if the Germans would get so huffy if we did the same to them?

‘Zo? You von? Und? Vere are your factories? Vot you did to Coventry vas vorse zan vot ve did to it, at least ve rebuilt Dresden not qvite zo bad, and zat vas ven dey vas Ossies, Commies! Und ve can still go to the pub you know and haf ein smoke.’

And yet still people get upset about the parades. Then the parading lot get the hump because people chuck stones at them whilst they do their 300 year old ‘Loooossseeerrrr!’ routine.

How odd.

It also seems to be that one lot really, really, really want to belong to the Republic of Ireland and one lot want to belong to the UK. You’re all fooling yourselves. It doesn’t bloody matter, it’s akin to Siamese twins arguing over whether they’re going to have their steak with pepper or béarnaise sauce whilst walking into a vegan restaurant.

Oh? You didn’t notice? Whilst you were poking fun at the others because they wear bowler hats, aprons and sashes over their Glasgow Rangers football shirts, or deriding the others because their priest walks around with his handbag on fire and the congregation all wear Glasgow Celtic football jerseys (what is this pre-occupation with Scottish football in Ulster? They’ve a perfectly good league of their own), the government of the UK signed away its independence without so much as a by-your-leave, whilst the electorate in the Republic did it themselves for five minute’s peace. It doesn’t matter, you’re just a constituent part of the EU now, you may as well be a region of Portugal for all the bloody difference it makes.

But still we have the DUP complaining that the Unionist community must have confidence before police and justice is transferred from Westminster, and Sinn Féin moaning about the Parades Commission. So what happens? Like an irrelevant student council at a school, come a disagreement they go running to teacher.

You do realise that the rest of the UK looks at Ulster and laughs, don’t you? You’re nuts, totally hat stand, barking at the moon, batshit mental. The Republic must look over its northern border and think ‘we’re well out of that.’ I’d want nothing to do with them if I were in their shoes.

Yet, bizarrely, we invite the Taoiseach along. Lord knows why, I suppose it keeps the Nationalists happy, but it’s akin to a section of Buffalo and the north of New York state deciding they want to join Canada and Obama inviting Stephen Harper along to try and keep a lid on the mess (I’ve been to Buffalo, the Canadians wouldn’t want it, they’ve far too much sense).

So we have the wonderful image of Brown and Cowen sat together in the back of a car on the way to or from Hillsborough together, looking like the European area final of the World’s Ugliest Man Competition. Jesus, I wouldn’t trust those two to run a sweet shop, put them together and any agreement is likely to be in spite of them, not because of them.

The situation in Northern Ireland isn’t their fault. Well, it is, because they continually come running when Stormont call up and say they’ve had another row, so they reinforce the behaviour, like a parent with an attention demanding child. The politicians in Stormont are also to blame, because they’re so obsessed with taking offence because someone was speaking Irish in the chamber (speaking Irish? In Ireland? Whatever next?), or arguing about some Dutch bloke in a flamboyant hat on a horse, three hundred bastarding years ago, that they don’t leave enough time for important things like running the country.

My opinion? Brown and Cowen should get together and say ‘We’re sick of the bloody sight of you, you’re own your own.’ Then they can argue about parades, language and religion until they’re blue in the face. They can then see the schools breaking down, burglars and muggers not being caught and rubbish piling high in the streets. If you give them the luxury of being able to spend time over their pathetic little squabbles, they’ll use it. Stop running the bloody country for them. They want a parliament? Fine, then get on with it, don’t be going to Dublin and London every five minutes with your complaints of what the nasty man said.

However, there is one group more to blame than the politicians in Westminster, Dublin and Stormont. Not the nutters and paramilitaries on each side. No. It is the electorate. Just as the Palestinians and Israelis repeatedly vote in people who want nothing more to have a big scrap with the other side, the people of Ulster consistently do the same. Again, that’s fine, it’s your vote, cast it where you wish. However you must deal with the consequences. If you vote for someone who wants a scrap, and you get a scrap, then don’t be surprised. You voted for it. Neither should you be surprised when everyone else turns round and points this out whilst sitting back and watching it unfold.

If you really do want change, peace and some degree of normality in Northern Ireland, then stop voting for these arseclowns who will do their level best to ensure that this arseclownery continues. You’re being played like a cheap violin, because if one morning you wake up and realise that this ridiculous in-fighting (and it is in-fighting, you really aren’t that different) is a waste of time, money and life, then those politicians will be totally irrelevant, useless, obsolete.

Don’t look to them to make that change, they’ve no interest in it happening. You have to look to yourselves, no-one else will do it for you.