The One That Wants To Twin His House With Boston. . .

That's Boston, MA not Boston, Lincs.

I quite like Boston and was very impressed when I visited and thought it was very nice.

Let's see a definition of the word twin, shall we?

either of two persons or things closely related to or closely resembling each other.

Perhaps I won't then. My house doesn't resemble Boston in the slightest. My house doesn't have a common where semi-tame squirrels will come and eat from your hand. Nor does it have a still seaworthy 18th Century frigate moored in the harbour, a harbour that is conspicuous by its absense round my gaff. Neither does my house have a hall nicknamed the 'Cradle of Liberty', although it does have a hall overflowing with jackets, shoes and a vacuum cleaner.

Of course, differences such as these and others wouldn't present a problem to council officials across the country.

A Wiltshire town hitherto best known for its railway heritage, Honda motors and Billie Piper, has been chosen as a twin by the Disney organisation. Swindon beat 24 other UK towns competing for the unique honour.

What could be in it for Swindon? Walt Disney World isn't even a town.

Rebecca Warren who masterminded the town's approach will fly to Florida to unveil a plaque at Walt Disney World.

No doubt followed by most of the council's elected officials on fact finding tours. I don't know, perhaps Swindon needs advice on the control of outsized rodents or in roller-coaster upkeep.

24 towns? I'll bet there were 24 towns, I wonder if Staines competed for it? Probably not, they had their sights set on a bigger prize.

Staines twinned with paradise island Mauritius.

On the surface Staines has little in common with the island which has become a popular destination for Britons to enjoy a beach holiday.

Now, I'll hold my hands up. I've never been to Mauritius. I have however been to Staines. Looking back to the definition at the top, I find it hard to imagine a place that resembles Staines less that Mauritius.

But local mayor Simon Bhadye said the borough of Spelthorne, to the west of London, has more in common with Mauritius than residents might imagine.

Oh, this should be good. Go on then, I'll bite. What does Spelthorne have in common with Mauritius then?

Staines, the borough's best known town, is only four miles from Heathrow, Europe's busiest airport, and Spelthorne's new twin borough Grand Port Savanne is home to Mauritius International Airport

Riiiiiiiiiiight, so you could also have twinned yourself with some shithole just down the road from Baghdad International then, couldn't you? Even so, the residents of Iraq would probably have felt a bit hard done by.

I'm sure there's lots you can learn from the Mauritians though, isn't there?

None of the supermarkets in Mauritius give out plastic bags. They have been doing that since 2000.

What? And you need to go all the way to Indian Ocean to see that do you?

Mr Bhadye also praised the island's record of full employment as traditional industries growing sugar cane and tea.

Two industries that will flourish in the tropical conditions of deepest Surrey of course.

Now children, can we guess where the most popular holiday destinations for Brits going abroad were in 2008?

No, Tommy, not Dusseldorf and Rangoon.

Yes, well done Jimmy, have a gold star. Mauritius and Disney World featured very highly on the list.

I should imagine the waves of elected fuckwits and the various hangers on will all be visiting whilst ensuring that the tax payer gets the very best value for money, and the half-hour of council business conducted every day will be vitally important.

They really really don't get it. Even though people get caught out all the time, they just cannot help themselves.