The One That Is Saying 'Enough Now, Stop It. Really. Stop It This Instant'. . .

Not content with coming after us who do smoke, now some bunch of self righteous arse-clowns are coming after those of us who don't smoke.

Now to declare my interest, I am a smoker. I think I'd quite like to give up, but to be honest I get so much joy out of pissing off bastards like ASH that I'm going to carry on. Cutting my nose off to spite my face? Maybe, but it's my nose and my face.

Anyhow, there's a company called The Electronic Cigarette Company that produces inhalator style thingies that vapourise nictoine electronically and let you 'smoke' without breaking the ban.

Oh no, no, no, no, no, say the righteous. That will never do. There could be anything in that leccy baccy, they could be dangerous. More dangerous than cigarettes? Do they contain tar? Do they produce carbon monoxide? What about benzine or the whole host of other thoroughly unpleasant ingredients? I would have thought not.

No, the real problem with these things is that they allow the users to thumb their nose at these bastards who will not stop at tobacco, these complete fucktards who want to control every aspect of your life, who will undoubtedly go on to ban alcohol (contains alcohol), crisps (fat), peanuts (salt), coffee (caffeine), tea (milk, you could be lactose intolerant), sandwiches (you could be wheat intolerant*), water (there's a shortage) and anything else that gives people even the merest sense of enjoyment, will not rest until every single facet our lives is documented, licenced, regulated or otherwise under control. Then we will be safe.

Well, not safe exactly, safe from ourselves. Because so many resources will be used on controlling us that bank robbers, corrupt politicians and muggers will be free to do as they please. But at least we'll be safe from ourselves. I mean it isn't as if we're capable of making a decision for ourselves, is it? So we can all sit safely in our houses, with our hands on the table in clear view of the telescreen on the wall, in the knowledge that nothing we are allowed to do will hurt us. Best not go out on to the street. Chris Rock jokes that in his neighbourhood you can get shot whilst getting shot. Well, soon, in your neighbourhood, you'll be able to get arrested by the fingermen for breaking curfew whilst getting shot by the feral chav for not showing him respect.

Choose a night in, choose Labour TV, choose conformity, choose surrendering your responsibilities, choose an approved dinner menu, choose safety, choose security, choose existence. But don't, whatever you do, choose life. Leave it all to those who know better than you.

* I love the idea of being lactose and/or wheat intolerant. Isn't that a hate crime? Do you see people in Sainsbury's shouting 'AAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGH! Get out of my store, bread, you grainy little bastard!' or people producing alternative league tables for the football, discounting goals scored by people who take milk in their coffee? White goals don't count!

Oh, you mean an allergy. Just fucking call it that then, won't you. Don't be such a bloody drama queen. Actually I know someone with a wheat allergy (sorry, Ben) I also know someone who is allergic to nuts, but I've never heard her talk about being 'kernel intolerant'.