A few people have touched on the Channel 4 documentary last night 'Britain's Trillion Pound Horror Story'.
For many, (and if you haven't watched it, the above link is to the 4OD showing, aren't I nice?) the revelations will come as a big shock. No shock here. Although I was surprised to see that the government of the 'liberal', 'democratic', 'free market' United Kingdom actually controls more of its domestic economy than their counterparts in PR China.
It is all over, the only question is do you have the cojones to rip the plaster off, or will you let the wound fester under the infected dressing?
The only person who can make that decision is you. I'll give you a hint; next time you are asked, if you vote Conservative, Lib Dem, Labour, Green, BNP, SNP, Plaid Cymru, Sinn Fein, Ulster Unionist or pretty much anyone else, you'll be laying out the welcome mat for gangrene.
There is an alternative, but if you won't be brave, why should anyone else?
Actually, forget it. Sell your kids into penury, bankrupt your childrens' children. Who cares, eh? X-Factor is on tomorrow night, that's much more important.
Friday, 12 November 2010
Thursday, 11 November 2010
How modern Unionism works.
Make a joke about stoning a leftie. . .
Destroy property and throw fire extinguishers at police officers. . .
(I'll bet poor old Roger was shagged out after chasing round and browbeating all those people into complaining.)
Roger McKenzie, Unison's West Midlands regional secretary, said he had been inundated with complaints from city council workers outraged at Mr Compton's comments and he called on Mr Compton to resign from the council.
Destroy property and throw fire extinguishers at police officers. . .
We reject any attempt to characterise the Millbank protest as small, “extremist” or unrepresentative of our movement… We stand with the protesters, and anyone who is victimised as a result of the protest.’As with all authoritarian organisations it is one rule for you, one for them.
(I'll bet poor old Roger was shagged out after chasing round and browbeating all those people into complaining.)
It is not just about remembering, it is also about the future.
Today of all days, this from the unelected head of the corrupt, anti-democratic organisations with designs of consuming a continent in a fashion that easily equals the desires and plans of Napoleon and Hitler is an obscene attack on those who gave their lives on each side, their legacy and the liberty and sovereignty of every pressed member state.
I can't be bothered to do the rest, it makes me very, very angry. This organisation is not about peace, it is about cuckoo politicians clandestinely placing their eggs in the nests of their neighbours.
Wednesday, 10 November 2010
One way or the other, they'll get it.
Oh, the students.
OH has touched on the subject, and makes some salient points.
Make no mistake about it, one way or the other the only people who will pay for university education is those who get it, either directly as proposed or hidden away in taxation once they get a job afterwards. There will be no escape.
Consider this; why do so many people go to university these days? University used to be for the elite. Elite is not a dirty word, not when it is an elite based on academic merit. Something happened in the 60's and 70's, a section of the (not at all meritous) political elite thought that there was something wrong with working with your hands. It was something to be looked down on, there was something wrong with the working man actually working. The result now is that all children, regardless of ability or aptitude spend their whole lives in school being herded through the door marked 'academic excellence'.
There's a problem with that. Not all kids have the ability to be academically excellent. The solution we had was to lower the bar. The result? Those who are academically excellent find their excellence is watered down, those who are not clutch a fistful of qualifications as valuable as a barrow load of Weimar Republic Marks. This is not fair on either. You cannot have prizes for all, it simply does not work that way. I would love to be able to sprint like Usain Bolt, paint like Da Vinci, think like Einstein or compose like Mozart, but nature did not make me that way, there is nothing anybody can do to change that. Not one thing.
This current education system strives for mediocrity, and does not even deliver that. We have all been turned into apples, all of us. The marketplace is flooded with apples. These apples are so common that they are dirt cheap. How much for a banana? Don't see many of those, valuable things, bananas.
Be a banana.
If I had my time again, I'd have forgotten university, I'd have trained to be an electrician. You work for yourself, you are responsible for yourself, you command your worth. I fell into the trap of believing that university was the only way. I was wrong. Personally I got a great deal out of going to uni, academically it was pointless, a waste of three years.
Oh, to have had a trade. Yes, long hours, hard work. But your work. No office politics, no cuts, no pointless forms, reports, appraisals. I may yet still do it, if given the chop. Invest the redundancy payout in myself.
Why the hell did we do away with our secondary moderns, our polytechnics and replace them with degree certificates mass printed on rice paper? Why do we persuade people that the only choices are between debt ridden graduate or dole cheat? To try to persuade people that with a half-arsed effort they can be Bolt, Da Vinci, Einstein, Mozart? This is madness.
I should have been a banana.
I'm sorry students, but the money isn't there. Take over every building in Westminster. The money still won't be there. Unseat every LibDem MP in the country and replace with a scarlet red Labour MP. The money is still nowhere to be seen.
You are blaming the person who has realised there is a fire. Unfortunately, he hasn't got the guts to shout 'FIRE'. The person you need to blame is the one is the one who set the fire, the one who decided that everyone had to go to university. Who was going to pay for it? I'll tell you this, unless you take the red shilling (and I've never seen a more politically detached generation than this one), once you start to earn and study the deductions column on your payslip, your attitude will change reeeeaaalll quick.
Don't fall into the trap. Evaluate your situation. What will you do with that degree, what will you actually do with it? Unless that degree will give you access to a career path you have decided upon, civil engineer, vet, biochemist, doctor, ask yourself, is this worth the money?
Don't view this as a tax, don't view this as being screwed over. View the student loans people as a silent partner in You Ltd. This partner will want his investment back. Look at your place in the market, will this investment you are making in yourself produce a worthwhile return? If not, say 'I'm out', go and play to your strengths. You could have three year headstart in experience and valuable knowledge over your competitors.
There is always more than one route to the top and it may not pay to follow the herd. They may be heading to the slaughterhouse.
OH has touched on the subject, and makes some salient points.
Make no mistake about it, one way or the other the only people who will pay for university education is those who get it, either directly as proposed or hidden away in taxation once they get a job afterwards. There will be no escape.
Consider this; why do so many people go to university these days? University used to be for the elite. Elite is not a dirty word, not when it is an elite based on academic merit. Something happened in the 60's and 70's, a section of the (not at all meritous) political elite thought that there was something wrong with working with your hands. It was something to be looked down on, there was something wrong with the working man actually working. The result now is that all children, regardless of ability or aptitude spend their whole lives in school being herded through the door marked 'academic excellence'.
There's a problem with that. Not all kids have the ability to be academically excellent. The solution we had was to lower the bar. The result? Those who are academically excellent find their excellence is watered down, those who are not clutch a fistful of qualifications as valuable as a barrow load of Weimar Republic Marks. This is not fair on either. You cannot have prizes for all, it simply does not work that way. I would love to be able to sprint like Usain Bolt, paint like Da Vinci, think like Einstein or compose like Mozart, but nature did not make me that way, there is nothing anybody can do to change that. Not one thing.
This current education system strives for mediocrity, and does not even deliver that. We have all been turned into apples, all of us. The marketplace is flooded with apples. These apples are so common that they are dirt cheap. How much for a banana? Don't see many of those, valuable things, bananas.
Be a banana.
If I had my time again, I'd have forgotten university, I'd have trained to be an electrician. You work for yourself, you are responsible for yourself, you command your worth. I fell into the trap of believing that university was the only way. I was wrong. Personally I got a great deal out of going to uni, academically it was pointless, a waste of three years.
Oh, to have had a trade. Yes, long hours, hard work. But your work. No office politics, no cuts, no pointless forms, reports, appraisals. I may yet still do it, if given the chop. Invest the redundancy payout in myself.
Why the hell did we do away with our secondary moderns, our polytechnics and replace them with degree certificates mass printed on rice paper? Why do we persuade people that the only choices are between debt ridden graduate or dole cheat? To try to persuade people that with a half-arsed effort they can be Bolt, Da Vinci, Einstein, Mozart? This is madness.
I should have been a banana.
I'm sorry students, but the money isn't there. Take over every building in Westminster. The money still won't be there. Unseat every LibDem MP in the country and replace with a scarlet red Labour MP. The money is still nowhere to be seen.
You are blaming the person who has realised there is a fire. Unfortunately, he hasn't got the guts to shout 'FIRE'. The person you need to blame is the one is the one who set the fire, the one who decided that everyone had to go to university. Who was going to pay for it? I'll tell you this, unless you take the red shilling (and I've never seen a more politically detached generation than this one), once you start to earn and study the deductions column on your payslip, your attitude will change reeeeaaalll quick.
Don't fall into the trap. Evaluate your situation. What will you do with that degree, what will you actually do with it? Unless that degree will give you access to a career path you have decided upon, civil engineer, vet, biochemist, doctor, ask yourself, is this worth the money?
Don't view this as a tax, don't view this as being screwed over. View the student loans people as a silent partner in You Ltd. This partner will want his investment back. Look at your place in the market, will this investment you are making in yourself produce a worthwhile return? If not, say 'I'm out', go and play to your strengths. You could have three year headstart in experience and valuable knowledge over your competitors.
There is always more than one route to the top and it may not pay to follow the herd. They may be heading to the slaughterhouse.
Sunday, 7 November 2010
Not the worst.
Come and eat at Wolfers' Steak and Seafood Restaurant. We're not the worst eatery in town, we will cook your food the way we think you should have it, not the way you want it, and only some of our customers have gone home with food poisoning. No, we don't give refunds.
If you saw that as an advert for a restaurant in the local paper, you'd probably take your signficant other to another place in town for that intimate meal, wouldn't you?
And yet this week we've seen the main parties engaging in advertising just like that. Labour are up in arms because Cameron's communication pixie may or may not have known about phone calls being hacked whilst he was editor of the NOTW.
This is the sort of thing those nasty Tories get up to, they point out, completely ignoring the fact that they wanted access to everyone's calls, texts, emails and browser history.
Real questions must be asked about Cameron's judgement in employing this man.
The LibDems have been furious, furious at the actions of Phil 'Custard pie' Woolarse who has now found himself shunted into the gravy train sidings, if not removed from the line completely. Why, I find myself asking, did they not suspend him from the party as soon as the story broke? If I were accused of an illegal act at work, I'd be suspended from the get go, not once the judicial system had had its say. Of course like the other disgraced Labour (former) MPs, he stamping his feet and whining, he'll fight it every inch of the way. The message is the same, they don't contest that what they did was wrong, they just believe that because they are who they are, they should escape any punishment for their acts. These people are important, dammit.
Serious questions must be asked about Miliband's judgement in appointing this man as shadow immigration minister whilst all this was going on.
But of course, the Lib Dems have form in this area. As Guido pointed out in 2006, Simon Hughes, who was so visible in the brooding tutting and shaking of head stakes when the verdict was announced during the week, is not beyond sticking the boot in when the referee's attention lies elsewhere when he feels like it as well.
The message from the big three? Vote for us, not because we've anything to say or offer, but because we're not as bad as the others.
If only there was a party where you could vote for a candidate who has never been involved in an expenses fiddle, has never twatted some bloke at a karaoke evening, has never told lies about an opponent, has never made snide insinuations about their sexuality, or never hacked into someone's answerphone.
Oh look, there is. There is a party that will give you something to vote for, rather than pointing out a bogeyman to vote against. And if you're lucky enough to be one of Phil Woolas' ex-constituents, you'll be able to vote for them soon.
If you saw that as an advert for a restaurant in the local paper, you'd probably take your signficant other to another place in town for that intimate meal, wouldn't you?
And yet this week we've seen the main parties engaging in advertising just like that. Labour are up in arms because Cameron's communication pixie may or may not have known about phone calls being hacked whilst he was editor of the NOTW.
This is the sort of thing those nasty Tories get up to, they point out, completely ignoring the fact that they wanted access to everyone's calls, texts, emails and browser history.
Real questions must be asked about Cameron's judgement in employing this man.
The LibDems have been furious, furious at the actions of Phil 'Custard pie' Woolarse who has now found himself shunted into the gravy train sidings, if not removed from the line completely. Why, I find myself asking, did they not suspend him from the party as soon as the story broke? If I were accused of an illegal act at work, I'd be suspended from the get go, not once the judicial system had had its say. Of course like the other disgraced Labour (former) MPs, he stamping his feet and whining, he'll fight it every inch of the way. The message is the same, they don't contest that what they did was wrong, they just believe that because they are who they are, they should escape any punishment for their acts. These people are important, dammit.
Serious questions must be asked about Miliband's judgement in appointing this man as shadow immigration minister whilst all this was going on.
But of course, the Lib Dems have form in this area. As Guido pointed out in 2006, Simon Hughes, who was so visible in the brooding tutting and shaking of head stakes when the verdict was announced during the week, is not beyond sticking the boot in when the referee's attention lies elsewhere when he feels like it as well.
The message from the big three? Vote for us, not because we've anything to say or offer, but because we're not as bad as the others.
If only there was a party where you could vote for a candidate who has never been involved in an expenses fiddle, has never twatted some bloke at a karaoke evening, has never told lies about an opponent, has never made snide insinuations about their sexuality, or never hacked into someone's answerphone.
Oh look, there is. There is a party that will give you something to vote for, rather than pointing out a bogeyman to vote against. And if you're lucky enough to be one of Phil Woolas' ex-constituents, you'll be able to vote for them soon.
Wednesday, 3 November 2010
No, no, no, no. That's a no.
Another assault on our God given rights today. This is not a civil liberty, this is not a 'nice to have in the ideal world', this is not an 'only if you qualify.'
This cannot be taken away. It is not in Parliament's power to remove from us the inalienable rights which were granted to us by God before Parliament came to be.
When Louise Casey says that:
She is attempting to usurp God, she is placing herself above the concept of the Almighty creator that is so important to the constitution of the country. She is also portraying herself as one of the most disgusting, odious, objectionable people in the country.
Victims' Commissioner? What? We are all victims if this is introduced. If I were to be tried under this scheme by a Magistrate, I would find myself in Court refusing to comply or cooperate and shouting, very loud, that my God given rights had been infringed by a body which has no power to do so.
Perhaps the money spent on this department would be better spent on the Police or Courts Service, because I'll tell you what victims want; they want the criminal who has wronged them to be caught, arrested, tried, convicted and sentenced to a proper punishment that is really, properly proportionate to the offence committed. What they don't want is another self-important, attention whoring, mindless fucking quango headed up by another poorly tailored suit of toss all with a mouth that looks like a slit in the side canvas of a curtain sided artic.
Got it?
Just in case you are in any doubt, here is the clause of Magna Carta, which has served us perfectly well for the last 795 years, written in a plain style of English that is easy to understand, salient, concise and quite beyond anything that a shower like Louise Casey could write if her miserable, insignificant and pointless life fucking depended on it:
Fuck you and the broomstick you rode in on, Casey.
You want to do away with this for the sake of expediency? I'll tell you this, doing away with the right to trial by jury (yes, even in the case of like, really complicated fraud trials) is but one step removed from sweeping away innocent until proven guilty.
This cannot be taken away. It is not in Parliament's power to remove from us the inalienable rights which were granted to us by God before Parliament came to be.
When Louise Casey says that:
"We should not view the right to a jury trial as being so sacrosanct that its exercise should be at the cost of victims of serious crimes"
She is attempting to usurp God, she is placing herself above the concept of the Almighty creator that is so important to the constitution of the country. She is also portraying herself as one of the most disgusting, odious, objectionable people in the country.
Victims' Commissioner? What? We are all victims if this is introduced. If I were to be tried under this scheme by a Magistrate, I would find myself in Court refusing to comply or cooperate and shouting, very loud, that my God given rights had been infringed by a body which has no power to do so.
Perhaps the money spent on this department would be better spent on the Police or Courts Service, because I'll tell you what victims want; they want the criminal who has wronged them to be caught, arrested, tried, convicted and sentenced to a proper punishment that is really, properly proportionate to the offence committed. What they don't want is another self-important, attention whoring, mindless fucking quango headed up by another poorly tailored suit of toss all with a mouth that looks like a slit in the side canvas of a curtain sided artic.
Got it?
Just in case you are in any doubt, here is the clause of Magna Carta, which has served us perfectly well for the last 795 years, written in a plain style of English that is easy to understand, salient, concise and quite beyond anything that a shower like Louise Casey could write if her miserable, insignificant and pointless life fucking depended on it:
No free man shall be captured, and or imprisoned, or disseised of his freehold, and or of his liberties, or of his free customs, or be outlawed, or exiled, or in any way destroyed, nor will we proceed against him by force or proceed against him by arms, but by the lawful judgment of his peers, and or by the law of the land.
Fuck you and the broomstick you rode in on, Casey.
You want to do away with this for the sake of expediency? I'll tell you this, doing away with the right to trial by jury (yes, even in the case of like, really complicated fraud trials) is but one step removed from sweeping away innocent until proven guilty.
Monday, 1 November 2010
What a waste of bloody money.
It is bad enough that money is taken from our pockets and pissed up the wall with gay abandon on projects you'd never even be able to dream up, let alone support. It is even worse when you willingly surrender your income for a service and then find that you've been stabbed in the back.
What am I going on about? This:
That's old news. We've heard this story before. But here's a new spin:
Council management I'd expect no more of. Workers come in the same group as 'the people' in Righteous speak, they are a homogenous mass, of one opinon and utterly identical to each other. But the unions? What the fucking flying fuck?
I don't even know where to begin. I really don't.
Firstly, I bet I can guess which unions are involved in this, at least two of them, and they are biggies.
What the hell? Are members paying their subs only to find that when management penalises people for engaging in a perfectly legal activity, an activity which sits very much in a bracket with other perfectly legal activities, the unions actually support it? As the bloke from Forest says:
In the old, old days, you could smoke at your desk, but they are long gone. I don't object to that. In the old days there was a smoking staff room where I worked, people would take their work in with them, so the loss to the business was nil, now we've been sent outside, from our sealed and vented room which no non-smoker had to go into, and having been sent outside we find ourselves being penalised for doing what we've been told to do.
Ah yes, but you don't have to smoke.
True, but then I don't drink tea or coffee, you don't have to drink it either. So why the fuck aren't you clocking off when you go out to get your umpteenth fix of caffeine of the day? Oh, they'll come for you eventually, your addiction will become as anti-social as mine, make no mistake, they're coming. Don't come crying to me. You've spat in my face, when your time comes, I will point, dance and laugh at you until I'm sick.
I'm getting side-tracked here. For a union to take subs from members under the pretence of representing their desires and interests, and then to arbritrarily abandon those members, members who are engaging in an activity which harms no other members, nor the union as a whole is a sickening betrayal.
I disagree with the TUC affiliated unions on a good number of subjects, but give them their due, they will support (by and large) the terms, conditions and rights of their members, even when those demands are excessive, outdated and completely against the interests of the public that fund them.
But this? This is a total betrayal, and if were a member of one of these unions, I would be livid.
The thing is these unions, the really big ones, I'm talking PCS and Unison here, the two I'm convinced are behind this capitulation, aren't really about staff in the way unions were when they first came into existence. They are more about politics than staff t&c's, it is the members' job to pay their subs and then dance to the tune which is played for them.
How loudly would they squeal if a clock was put on the computer terminals in the office to measure how much time was spent on ebay or slebrity news websites? How high would the pitch of that squeal get if that time was then knocked off staffs' flexitime?
Exactly.
Treacherous, spineless, hypocritical cowards. The fucking lot of them.
If you are a member of the union(s) behind this capitulation and you smoke, make no mistake, this will not be confined to one anonymous district council in Norfolk, it will come to your office soon and the precedent has been set. Be a good drone, pay your cash and do what you're told. They know best. Not you.
What am I going on about? This:
Staff at Breckland Council will no longer be paid for the time they spend smoking after the proposals were given the go-ahead.
Simon Clark, from smokers' lobby group Forest, said everyone was entitled to a break during work.
That's old news. We've heard this story before. But here's a new spin:
The group described the plan as "tyrannical", but council management, unions and workers backed the change.
Council management I'd expect no more of. Workers come in the same group as 'the people' in Righteous speak, they are a homogenous mass, of one opinon and utterly identical to each other. But the unions? What the fucking flying fuck?
I don't even know where to begin. I really don't.
Firstly, I bet I can guess which unions are involved in this, at least two of them, and they are biggies.
What the hell? Are members paying their subs only to find that when management penalises people for engaging in a perfectly legal activity, an activity which sits very much in a bracket with other perfectly legal activities, the unions actually support it? As the bloke from Forest says:
Some take coffee breaks others go out for a cigarette.
In the old, old days, you could smoke at your desk, but they are long gone. I don't object to that. In the old days there was a smoking staff room where I worked, people would take their work in with them, so the loss to the business was nil, now we've been sent outside, from our sealed and vented room which no non-smoker had to go into, and having been sent outside we find ourselves being penalised for doing what we've been told to do.
Ah yes, but you don't have to smoke.
True, but then I don't drink tea or coffee, you don't have to drink it either. So why the fuck aren't you clocking off when you go out to get your umpteenth fix of caffeine of the day? Oh, they'll come for you eventually, your addiction will become as anti-social as mine, make no mistake, they're coming. Don't come crying to me. You've spat in my face, when your time comes, I will point, dance and laugh at you until I'm sick.
I'm getting side-tracked here. For a union to take subs from members under the pretence of representing their desires and interests, and then to arbritrarily abandon those members, members who are engaging in an activity which harms no other members, nor the union as a whole is a sickening betrayal.
I disagree with the TUC affiliated unions on a good number of subjects, but give them their due, they will support (by and large) the terms, conditions and rights of their members, even when those demands are excessive, outdated and completely against the interests of the public that fund them.
But this? This is a total betrayal, and if were a member of one of these unions, I would be livid.
The thing is these unions, the really big ones, I'm talking PCS and Unison here, the two I'm convinced are behind this capitulation, aren't really about staff in the way unions were when they first came into existence. They are more about politics than staff t&c's, it is the members' job to pay their subs and then dance to the tune which is played for them.
How loudly would they squeal if a clock was put on the computer terminals in the office to measure how much time was spent on ebay or slebrity news websites? How high would the pitch of that squeal get if that time was then knocked off staffs' flexitime?
Exactly.
Treacherous, spineless, hypocritical cowards. The fucking lot of them.
If you are a member of the union(s) behind this capitulation and you smoke, make no mistake, this will not be confined to one anonymous district council in Norfolk, it will come to your office soon and the precedent has been set. Be a good drone, pay your cash and do what you're told. They know best. Not you.
Saturday, 30 October 2010
Politicians = stupid.
This popped into my inbox today. It is likely to be a) old, and b) apocryphal, but that doesn't make it any less amusing.
A Washington, DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why the country is in trouble.
All are from people involved in Government in one way or another:
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.''
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in South Africa ''
his response -- click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!''
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada?''
I said, ''No.''
She said, ''But they look so close on the map.''
5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.''
6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is "FAT" (Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.
8. An aide to Senator John Kerry called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked,
''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?''
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman from Alabama who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''
10. Senator Dianne Feinstein
called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
11. An LA Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''
I double-checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''
12. A New Jersey Congressman called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.''
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''
'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."
''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was some sort of a big animal.''
Friday, 29 October 2010
Oh, this conversation again.
One of the delights of late October, beyond putting razor blades in 'fun size' Mars bars (and what, may I ask , is fun about a small Mars bar?) and lacing dib-dab with laxative for the little tykes who come round trick or treating, is the annual debate about the changing of the clocks.
Argument 1: They should stay on BST, because people feel safer in lighter evenings, and, errrr, that's it.
Argument 2: They should stay on GMT, because kids in Scotland who walk to school (I thought that was banned, because of all the paedos hanging around on street corners, plus it harms car sales) might get run over in the dark mornings, it is fine for them to get run over in the dark afternoons though, and a few Scottish farmers won't be able to see their cows in the dark.
Solution: Give Scotland its own time zone, plenty of other countries manage it ok. Besides I understand there's already a ten year time difference between Scotland and England anyway.
Must we listen to this ridiculous waffle every year? The chances of a change are effectively nil, you may as well have a debate about whether Tuesday following Monday is a satisfactory arrangement. It's only an hour FFS, don't we have slightly more important things to worry about?
Argument 1: They should stay on BST, because people feel safer in lighter evenings, and, errrr, that's it.
Argument 2: They should stay on GMT, because kids in Scotland who walk to school (I thought that was banned, because of all the paedos hanging around on street corners, plus it harms car sales) might get run over in the dark mornings, it is fine for them to get run over in the dark afternoons though, and a few Scottish farmers won't be able to see their cows in the dark.
Solution: Give Scotland its own time zone, plenty of other countries manage it ok. Besides I understand there's already a ten year time difference between Scotland and England anyway.
Must we listen to this ridiculous waffle every year? The chances of a change are effectively nil, you may as well have a debate about whether Tuesday following Monday is a satisfactory arrangement. It's only an hour FFS, don't we have slightly more important things to worry about?
Thursday, 28 October 2010
A few pointers.
Been a little busy this week, but there are a few things which have rattled my cage over the last few days.
Conservatives:
Very well done on your posturing over the EU budget. Gosh, you are my heroes. What is going to happen if you don't get your way? Are you going to refuse to pay? No? How about giving us a referendum asking whether in light of the cuts being made to the domestic civil service we want to contribute to an even more bloated, wasteful, arrogant and unaccountable European one? No? How about meekly giving in and coughing up more our money, even though nobody has ever had the good grace to ask us if we want to be members of this ridiculous club? Yes? Thought so.
Be a good bunch of chaps and chapesses, and fuck off. Come back when you've grown a pair.
Stupid people on radio phone in shows:
Stop blaming the bankers. Yes, they screwed their business up, but it wasn't them who bankrupted the country, it was the politicians. They didn't come running when Woolies went under, no rescue package was put together when MFI hit the skids, they were nowhere to be seen when Zavvi disappeared. Yet somehow, they had to ride to the resuce of the shareholders of the bank when they spectacularly failed to exercise any control over the people they had appointed to run the business in the first place.
The value of your shares can go up, as well as down. Well, unless those shares are in a bank, then they can only go up. The taxpayer wouldn't stand me my debts if I pissed my wages up the wall on the roulette table, so why should the banks be any different?
Cold callers calling my phone:
Fuck off. If your product or service was that amazing, I'd be calling you. It isn't, leave me alone, don't get all huffy when I tell you to fuck off. You applied for the job, them's the breaks.
Charity muggers knocking at my door:
Fuck right off. I'll give to charity on my own terms, thank you very much. I certainly won't give to charities who have already had their hand in my pocket courtesy of the Inland Revenue. And I'll be damned if I give to a charity who then uses that money to employ some mercenary to try and make off with more of my money.
Utility companies knocking at my door:
Fuck right off and die horribly. That is all.
Stupid people at supermarket checkouts:
If you haven't been able to figure out how to use the self-service jobbies by now, please go and use the checkout with the friendly young lady sat at it. She'll take care of you. However, don't act surprised when, having stood there like a mong for five minutes whilst the nice young lady has scanned and bagged your items for you, the nice young lady asks for payment in return for the bags of produce sat in front of you. Try having your wallet out and ready.
Righteous people at checkouts:
I take the plastic bags every time because I have a need for them. Don't sneer at me. I use them to pick up the shit my large dog leaves lying around the park when I take her for a walk. Or would you rather I went out a bought a supply of plastic bags? No. OK then, I'll leave it where is so your kids can play in it.
There's a whole bunch of other people who piss me off, but I've had enough now. I'm off for a cigarette.
Pip-pip.
Conservatives:
Very well done on your posturing over the EU budget. Gosh, you are my heroes. What is going to happen if you don't get your way? Are you going to refuse to pay? No? How about giving us a referendum asking whether in light of the cuts being made to the domestic civil service we want to contribute to an even more bloated, wasteful, arrogant and unaccountable European one? No? How about meekly giving in and coughing up more our money, even though nobody has ever had the good grace to ask us if we want to be members of this ridiculous club? Yes? Thought so.
Be a good bunch of chaps and chapesses, and fuck off. Come back when you've grown a pair.
Stupid people on radio phone in shows:
Stop blaming the bankers. Yes, they screwed their business up, but it wasn't them who bankrupted the country, it was the politicians. They didn't come running when Woolies went under, no rescue package was put together when MFI hit the skids, they were nowhere to be seen when Zavvi disappeared. Yet somehow, they had to ride to the resuce of the shareholders of the bank when they spectacularly failed to exercise any control over the people they had appointed to run the business in the first place.
The value of your shares can go up, as well as down. Well, unless those shares are in a bank, then they can only go up. The taxpayer wouldn't stand me my debts if I pissed my wages up the wall on the roulette table, so why should the banks be any different?
Cold callers calling my phone:
Fuck off. If your product or service was that amazing, I'd be calling you. It isn't, leave me alone, don't get all huffy when I tell you to fuck off. You applied for the job, them's the breaks.
Charity muggers knocking at my door:
Fuck right off. I'll give to charity on my own terms, thank you very much. I certainly won't give to charities who have already had their hand in my pocket courtesy of the Inland Revenue. And I'll be damned if I give to a charity who then uses that money to employ some mercenary to try and make off with more of my money.
Utility companies knocking at my door:
Fuck right off and die horribly. That is all.
Stupid people at supermarket checkouts:
If you haven't been able to figure out how to use the self-service jobbies by now, please go and use the checkout with the friendly young lady sat at it. She'll take care of you. However, don't act surprised when, having stood there like a mong for five minutes whilst the nice young lady has scanned and bagged your items for you, the nice young lady asks for payment in return for the bags of produce sat in front of you. Try having your wallet out and ready.
Righteous people at checkouts:
I take the plastic bags every time because I have a need for them. Don't sneer at me. I use them to pick up the shit my large dog leaves lying around the park when I take her for a walk. Or would you rather I went out a bought a supply of plastic bags? No. OK then, I'll leave it where is so your kids can play in it.
There's a whole bunch of other people who piss me off, but I've had enough now. I'm off for a cigarette.
Pip-pip.
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