Clots, or how the system can work.

I'm waiting for the wailing, but it hasn't started yet. It will do once the Righteous finish their organic, free range, home knitted yoghurt, unhusked bran and pond water smoothies this morning.

Two events this week are proof if proof be need be that there is a new menace on our streets. Surely something must be done?

I give you Exhibit A:

A third teenager has appeared in court in connection with an airgun attack near a school in which 11 youngsters were injured.

The 15-year-old boy, who cannot be named for legal reasons, was charged at Ayr Sheriff Court with assault.

He made no plea or declaration and was released on bail.

Two youths have already been charged over the incident in Auchinleck, East Ayrshire, on Wednesday lunchtime.

Five girls and six boys aged between 12 and 16 were struck by pellets in the Church Street area of the town. 

No-one was seriously injured.

And Exhibit B:

SOCCER ace Ashley Cole left a fan "bleeding profusely" after shooting him at Chelsea's training ground, it has been reported. 

The controversial England defender allegedly took a .22 air rifle - the most powerful gun available without a licence in the UK - with him to training last Sunday.


The News of the World reports that Cole was messing around with the weapon in the dressing room when he inadvertently shot Tom Cowan, a sports science student on work placement with Chelsea.

It is high time that these weapons were banned before some other poor innocent bystander is injured in a slightly inconvenient manner which doesn't threaten their lives in the slightest.

I'm being slightly flippant. I'd be really pissed off if some lack-wit arseclown shot me with an air gun, and yes, to wheel out the favourite line of safety types, someone could have lost an eye.

But let's face facts here, the system appears to be working. The clots in Scotland are up before the beak, and because they've not done something really heinous, like dropping some fag ash on the floor, or something trivial like stubbing said cigarette out on a baby, they'll probably get a sentence that fits the crime.

Meanwhile Mr. Cole, a man who is a better clot than he is a left back, and he's a world class left back, probably thought he got away with it, but may find that now that the news of the screws has got hold of it he may face some action after all. The damage this article has done to his reputation is nil, due to the fact that his reputation is already lower than a snake's belly anyway.

What is it about some professional footballers (certainly not all, it is always the same half a dozen names that crop up) that makes them act like a complete arse?

There are differences between these cases, the lads in Scotland acted with malice and should be treated accordingly by the courts. Cashley was just an idiot, I don't think there was any intent, but it is symptomatic of his class. He's famous and rich, so whilst what happened to the young student in question is regrettable it will be just a bit of a joke to him, as the other guy isn't rich and famous and doesn't really count. We've seen time and time again how Cole has little regard for others, especially 'little people', if he's put up before the beak what can we expect? A fine and a victim surcharge which will never get anywhere near the victim and will not even make a dent in his wage packet of £100k per week plus. If I were given free reign, I'd give an order to spend the next 4 months training with his local TA regiment, where he would learn weapons discipline, get some humility and order, and if the evenings when the regiment train happen to clash with evenings when Chelsea play, then tough luck, perhaps the lost income will make you consider your actions in the future. It may also give him an appreciation of proper teamwork and the lot of those who do properly important jobs. His crime is not malice, it is a selfish lack of thought.

Of course that won't happen, but I can dream, can't I?

Nevertheless, the calls for the banning of air guns will probably grow in volume, because it is so much easier to call for the restriction of items than to hold those who misuse them to account for their actions. Once again, the majority will be made to suffer for the idiotic actions of the minority.

*Prize of a juicy bone to the person who points out the gratuitous Chris Morris reference.

And that's not all. . .

Let's see, what missiles are being thrown our way today?

People who are exposed to the second-hand smoke from others' cigarettes are at increased risk of hearing loss, experts believe.

Oh good, it is nice to see they believe in something. They probably decide they believe in Father Christmas around 23rd December. Where is this item of research from? Which august publication has this startling revelation?

The latest study in the journal Tobacco Control, involving more than 3,000 US adults, suggests the same is true of passive smoking.

Obviously no vested interest here then.

"Hearing loss can often be very frustrating and lead to social isolation, if not quickly addressed. 

Good, because I'm not bloody listening to you.

"Before you next light up a cigarette, consider how it could impact not only on your own long-term hearing but your friends' and relatives' too."

OK, will do. But not as much as I'll consider how it will impact your vision, when I stub it out on your cornea, you utter mong.

Meanwhile, over at Harvard. . .

Mothers who puff a pack a day or more while pregnant run a 30-percent higher risk of having kids who become criminal offenders, according to a study published Tuesday…

Well hang on, what about control groups? What about mothers who visit McDonalds throughout pregnancy? What about mothers who had a drink every day? What about mothers who wear odd coloured socks? What effect do they have? I think we should be told.

Elsewhere, Hugh Jarse of The Institute of Mythical Anthropology and Zoology said this:

'Passive smoking attracts goblins and imps to the house, and smoking when pregnant increases the chances of your newborn being replaced by a fairy changeling by up to a percentage I'm just about to make up. It also makes you very greedy. Dragons smoke all the time, and those selfish bastards are obsessed with gold. I am getting paid for this, aren't I?'

I made one of those studies up, I'll leave it up to you to guess which one.

Not the worst.

Come and eat at Wolfers' Steak and Seafood Restaurant. We're not the worst eatery in town, we will cook your food the way we think you should have it, not the way you want it, and only some of our customers have gone home with food poisoning. No, we don't give refunds.

If you saw that as an advert for a restaurant in the local paper, you'd probably take your signficant other to another place in town for that intimate meal, wouldn't you?

And yet this week we've seen the main parties engaging in advertising just like that. Labour are up in arms because Cameron's communication pixie may or may not have known about phone calls being hacked whilst he was editor of the NOTW.

This is the sort of thing those nasty Tories get up to, they point out, completely ignoring the fact that they wanted access to everyone's calls, texts, emails and browser history. 

Real questions must be asked about Cameron's judgement in employing this man.

The LibDems have been furious, furious at the actions of Phil 'Custard pie' Woolarse who has now found himself shunted into the gravy train sidings, if not removed from the line completely. Why, I find myself asking, did they not suspend him from the party as soon as the story broke? If I were accused of an illegal act at work, I'd be suspended from the get go, not once the judicial system had had its say. Of course like the other disgraced Labour (former) MPs, he stamping his feet and whining, he'll fight it every inch of the way. The message is the same, they don't contest that what they did was wrong, they just believe that because they are who they are, they should escape any punishment for their acts. These people are important, dammit.

Serious questions must be asked about Miliband's judgement in appointing this man as shadow immigration minister whilst all this was going on.

But of course, the Lib Dems have form in this area. As Guido pointed out in 2006, Simon Hughes, who was so visible in the brooding tutting and shaking of head stakes when the verdict was announced during the week, is not beyond sticking the boot in when the referee's attention lies elsewhere when he feels like it as well.

The message from the big three? Vote for us, not because we've anything to say or offer, but because we're not as bad as the others.

If only there was a party where you could vote for a candidate who has never been involved in an expenses fiddle, has never twatted some bloke at a karaoke evening, has never told lies about an opponent, has never made snide insinuations about their sexuality, or never hacked into someone's answerphone.

Oh look, there is. There is a party that will give you something to vote for, rather than pointing out a bogeyman to vote against. And if you're lucky enough to be one of Phil Woolas' ex-constituents, you'll be able to vote for them soon.

The One That Is Reaching For His Tin Helmet. . .

So the Israelis are showing video footage of their soldiers being attacked with knives and, perhaps most shockingly, some plastic garden chairs. To be honest, I think the people on that ship can thank themselves lucky they weren't torpedoed.

Of course the whole thing could have been avoided if the IDF hadn't boarded the ships in international waters with a heavily armed assault team in an act which looks suspiciously like piracy to me.

Yes of course the Israelis have the right to security and not having rockets lobbed over their borders every ten minutes.

No the Israelis do not have the right to occupy the West Bank and Gaza Strip.

Yes the Palestinians have the right to basic standards of living, food, water, power, etc, etc.

No the Palestinians don't have the right to lob missiles into residential areas whenever the mood takes them.

A plague on both their houses. Perhaps if both sides decided to stop electing arseclowns who seem to do nothing but whip the swivel eyed and terminally hard of thinking into a frenzy at every available opportunity, and stop winding the other side up, we might see some headway.

I really couldn't give a pair of dingo's kidneys who started it, who perpetrated what atrocity, or what the nasty man said or did.

Just piss off and leave the rest of us alone, will you? Stop funding Israel and stop funding Palestine. Unfortunately I get the feeling that if the international community cut both sides out completely, we'd go back in twenty years to find the whole area reduced to a pile of rubble whilst a group of raggedy clothed idiots with matted hair and beards down to their knees beat the shit out of each other with sticks because they'd run out of everything else.

Sympathy for either side at Chateau Snowolf? Somewhere between sod all and naff all.