The One That Will Write Off For The Job. . .

WARNING- THIS POST CONTAINS TALK OF FOOTBALL WHICH SOME READERS MAY FIND DISTRESSING.

What a complete bloody shambles that was last night. My thoughts on the performance are divided between the players and the coach.

Firstly we know that having seen four successive managers try and fail, that Gerrard and Lampard cannot play together in a 4-4-2 system. They both need a holding midfielder alongside them to allow them to range forwards in support of the two front line players. Play them alongside each other and they both become neither fish nor fowl. We know from their performances at club level that they are in the elite group of offensive midfielders, so the problem is obviously not with them, but the system the play in.

Sticking Gerrard out on the left wing is not a solution. He is no winger and will habitually cut into the middle, when you’ve a right winger in the shape of Lennon or SWP, this gives the team a real lopsided feel and makes them all too predictable.

4-4-2 as a system now looks as outdated as the 5-3-2 system so favoured by the Germans in their 1990 win. It is too rigid. too easily neutralised and does not allow the creative players to create. All night last night we saw the Algerians string 5 across the lower half of the midfield, not challenging the English midfield for possession, but just starving the front two of any service. This leads to what we saw from the midfield last night; having no option but to shoot from 30 yards because there’s no space to move the ball forward, and what we saw especially from Rooney; having to drop back to in front of the defence in order to pick the ball up, and then having to shoot from 30 yards because he then had 5 hairy arsed Algerians bearing down on him.

When they line up like this,

I’m afraid this is the most likely outcome. It may work against Belarus and Kazakhstan, but against a very well drilled and organised side, like Algeria or like the USA, most of whom play their football in Europe’s top leagues, you’ll get found out.

When you think back to 1990, the senior players got together after the Ireland game, and again after the Egypt match, and said to Sir Bobby ‘Gaffer, this isn’t working’, they suggested a different shape and style, and Bobby, being the pragmatist he was, listened to his players, worked with them and we got to the semi-finals, and were damn unlucky not to reach a final we would probably have won.

Capello is far too wedded to the 4-4-2 system to change, and I suspect his mantle of ‘strict disciplinarian’ crosses the line into ruling by fear. I also suspect that if Gerrard, Terry or Lampard went to Don Fabio and suggested the same, they’d be shouted out of the office.

It’s a great shame, without doubt we have the best generation of English footballers in 40 years. We have three or four genuinely world class players, something we’ve not had since Moore, Banks, Charlton, Peters. However if they’re not used properly, they’ll not achieve anything.

I reckon if they lined up like this:

The space that Gerrard would have to link up with Rooney would make that pair much more effective, and with Rooney, Lennon and Joe Cole having carte-blanche to roam and rotate between themselves, they’d pull apart and confuse the hell out of a zonal marking system, with Gerrard and Lampard allowed to move forward onto the attack and make a general embuggarance of themselves.

But what do I know?

The One That Will Not Be Enjoying It. . .

Ahh, it's started, the World Cup.

If you've come here expecting a diatribe about the insignificance of football, of how it is the opium for the masses and we should all spend our time doing nothing but reading Marx/Smith/Hayek, then you've come to the wrong place.

If you're expecting me to dismiss it by reducing it to the level of 22 men kicking a ball about a field, then I'll respond by saying Trafalgar was just a bunch of guys titting around in boats.

If you're expecting me to engage in some shocking snobbery about how it is culturally inferior to Rugby, then you're going to be disappointed. What is it about Rugby? The Union code in England especially? Why is it deemed acceptable (if technically outside the rules) to smack someone in the mouth, gouge their eyes, stamp on them or pick them up and drive them headfirst into the ground? Behaviour like that on the street would see you up in front of the magistrates. Just because after you've finished trying to purposefully injure someone, you put on a pair of chinos and buy them a pint of Flowers bloody IPA does not make it a decent way to behave.

I digress.

There's plenty wrong with football. There's plenty wrong with everything. But I am totally, hopelessly devoted to the sport, and the World Cup in particular. Yes FIFA is an odious organisation and Blatter, the President, deserves to be stood against a wall and peppered with free kicks from Koeman, Roberto Carlos and Charlton (R) for the rest of his days, but there you go.

Thing is, I can't enjoy the World Cup this year, and it isn't because of the Uwe Seeler horns.

I've been told I'm not allowed.

Firstly there's the sponsors:

FIFA has scored an "own goal" by agreeing sponsorship deals for the 2010 World Cup with companies that sell unhealthy products, campaigners say.

The World Cancer Research Fund criticised the governing body for partnering with the likes of Coca Cola, McDonald's and Budweiser.

It said the tournament should be an opportunity to promote active lifestyles.

Oh God, here we go. I wish Pfizer or Astra-Zeneca were sponsors, their blood pressure reduction drugs will surely come in handy if I read much more of this shit.

Promote active lifestyles? How could you do that? Oh, here's an idea, blanket coverage of young, fit sportsmen, all earning tens of thousands a week (barring the North Koreans) and the undying love of their public. Sounds like a pretty bloody good reason to be active to me. Play often, train well, and you could be like them.

The World Cancer Research fund can fuck off.

Still, at least the promoters of this poison aren't being held solely responsible. And we are being offered a sensible alternative:

The Food Standards Agency (FSA) which has an annual budget of £135m, has issued four pages of advice on how to make "healthier choices ... while you're feasting on the footie".

It suggests fans "walk to the pub instead of taking the bus" or "use half-time for a brisk walk and some fresh air"

Nurse! The pills! The pills!

World Cup party hosts are urged to serve apples and grapes rather than crisps, while those grabbing a takeaway are warned to "choose a shish kebab with pitta bread and salad rather than a doner kebab".

In a section entitled "down the pub", fans are told: "Enjoying the match at your local pub can be great fun, but the snack and meal choices tend to be limited.

"Bar snacks are often high in salt and fat, particularly saturated fat. Give pork scratchings a miss and go for unsalted peanuts."

Anyhow even if we do ignore the evils of fast-food, fizzy drink and shite beer and engage in a spot of light aerobics, we're still not doing it right. Because if you're not sat on the sofa, there's only possible other thing you could be doing.

Police forces and hospitals across England are preparing to deal with an increase in binge drinking, domestic violence and street crime during the World Cup.

As the British exodus to South Africa reached a peak yesterday, a senior doctor warned that A&E wards in this country are expecting a 15 per cent rise in alcohol-related injuries during the tournament.

So, deal with them then, this is what they're paying their national insurance for.

Women’s Aid, a national domestic violence charity, have got several male celebrities to back their campaign. Nicola Harwin, chief executive of the charity, said: “Some police areas have found an increase in the reporting of incidents of domestic violence during big sporting events such as the World Cup, so now is a very relevant time to raise awareness. We hope that this campaign will reach out to both men and women to send out the clear message that domestic violence is never acceptable.”

Oh for crying out loud. Then charge them, then. And when they appear in court, send them to prison. Really, it shouldn't take a global event once every 4 years to make that obvious. Besides, how many of these wife-beaters are from under-privileged backgrounds who were let down the education system so therefore can't be blamed for their actions?

Or you could go and find someone from the FSA and give them a good shoeing, that's very nearly a public service.

The good old NHS brings it together nicely:

Dr John Heyworth said hospitals see an increase in domestic abuse, assaults, trips, falls down stairs and people crashing their cars.

It's no good, I've got to stop, I'm starting to get a nosebleed now.

Can you not just fuck off and leave us to enjoy the football in peace?

Actually, I say enjoy, but I think the good Dr. Heyworth may have a point, so dire was the fare on offer from France and Uruguay last night that I was tempted to go out in my car and drive at speed into a wall just to take the pain away.

The One That Can't Wait. . .

Only a week to go now.



We're still going to go out in the Quarter-Finals on penalties, though.

The One That Is Shouting 'GOOOOOAAAAAAL!'. . .

Ahhhh, World Cup year. I do love the World Cup. Always have, I have found it enchanting since I was a little boy. I love the way the players’ shirts shimmer in the hot summer sun (although not this year, it’ll be winter in South Africa), the reaction of the players and supporters of the smaller nations when they cause an upset, or even in some cases just score a goal. I love seeing the unbridled joy of one set of players when they score a victory over their bitterest opponents. I love the almost guaranteed emergence of a new star on the world scene and the drama of the penalty shootout (normally in the Quarter-Finals where England will lose). I love tournament football, there really is nothing like it. You can keep your Monaco Grand Prix, your Olympic Games, Six Nations, Wimbledon, Superbowl, hell, even The Ashes (which I also love), they are all fine events, but none of them compare to the World Cup.

I could write a huge missive about what is wrong with the game, and there’s plenty, but once every four years a large proportion of the country is brought together, collectively willing our players not to make an arse of it in the Quarter Finals against Portugal/Germany/Argentina/Brazil again. It is a good thing.

However there are one or two things in a World Cup year which are equally as predictable as England’s Quarter-Final exit. There will be the tut-tutting about working days lost when England are playing. There will be pursing of lips about the promo offers on booze in supermarkets and pubs. There will be children sent home from school because they’ve copied Beckham’s latest fashion statement (this year it’s called the ‘foot cast’) and someone somewhere will be banned from flying the St. George Cross.

Imagine my shame when I realised that is was my own home town.

Taxi drivers in a Kent city are upset after being told they are not allowed to fly flags from their vehicles during the World Cup football tournament.

Canterbury City Council has said attaching England flags to cabs would breach rules on what can be displayed on public service vehicles.

Why? What bloody harm will it do? No. People won’t get offended. It’s the national flag of England, for crying out loud. You wouldn’t see the same about the Saltire on cabs in Elgin or the dragon in Merthyr, would you?

Larissa Laing, from the council, said: "We accept that many taxi drivers want to be patriotic and we have been fully supportive of them wearing England shirts.

Oh, that’s nice. Isn’t that nice? The nice lady from the council will let the people in their own private businesses wear what they want. A big cheer for her.

"However, it is a public service vehicle and as such there are very strict rules and what can and cannot be displayed on a taxi and sadly an England flag, or any flag, cannot be displayed."

The rules ban any signs, letters, motifs, emblems, or marks from taxis.

Yes. But why? This is one of those we just want you to ask our permission so we can hum and har about it before making a great show of very generously granting the request which you so humbly put before us.

Larissa Laing almost won authoritarian fuckwit of the month. Almost.

The thing is, what do they do in places where there’s no World Cup participation? How does one show one’s absolute idiocy and total removal from pragmatism and reality then? Let’s go somewhere where the team didn’t qualify. Let’s go to Northern Ireland.

There was a policeman, sat in his vehicle, having objects thrown at him by a group of youths. What did he do? Did he shoot them? Did he hit them with his asp? Did he run them down? Did he refer them to an inclusivity outreach diversity community cohesion liaison officer? No. He played ice-cream van music over the speakers of his police car.

Young people were throwing bottles at a Land Rover vehicle in Lisburn last Saturday when the officer used the tannoy to play the tunes.

A police spokesperson said an officer had used humour to defuse the situation and the trouble had stopped.

However, senior officers are believed to have spoken to the officer involved.

I’m hoping that when they spoke to him they said. ‘Well done, you showed initiative, guile and humanity. You are a credit to the Police Service of Northern Ireland.’ I’m betting they didn’t.

Ah, no, they didn’t.

"The youths stopped throwing the bottles. However, police accept that this was not an appropriate action.

"The officer has been spoken to by a senior officer in order to establish the circumstances of the incident."

Hang on, are you suggesting that you wanted the officer to get out to hand out a kicking, running the risk that he’d get one himself, or to sit waiting for backup to arrive and hand out a kicking, whilst running the risk that they’d get into his car and give him a kicking?

Look, I’ve problems with the way policing is done in this country. I’ve a problem with the way some police officers act. Senior officers will back these horrible little SS wannabes to the hilt. Show me an officer who acts in exactly the way we’d all want an officer to act in a difficult situation and you feed him to the lions. Really? Seriously? WTF? Look, these kids deserved a good, hard kicking, but he was obviously on his tod, what he supposed to do?

So we’ll leave the authoritarian fuckwit of the week award to Cllr Angela Nelson (SF):

Angela Nelson told the Andersonstown News that the officer's actions "beggared belief".

"The PSNI are put on the streets to do a serious job and that is to keep order on the streets and face down anti-social elements. This is like a sick joke.

"It goes against everything we are trying to solve and eradicate in the area."

Now, I’ve no love for either side in Northern Ireland, it’s like Israel vs. Palestine but with wetter weather and better music, they can all go to hell, but people still vote for them, so there you go. Anyhow, I’m betting that the kids were Protestant and the SF lot are disgusted that they didn’t get the kicking they so richly deserved, or the kids were Catholic and the Protestant humiliated them instead of calling for the inclusivity outreach diversity community cohesion liaison officer over his radio.

Jesus Christ in a World Cup Willie costume on a pogo-stick, what is wrong with these people?