Be afraid, be very afraid. Oh, and give us some money.

This isn't about last night's election results (with more to come), I'm not scared about the gains Labour have made, I just think it is funny that people persist in shuffling between Labour and the Conservatives in the hope that just for once, they don't make an absolute horlicks of it. For the last 90 years they've been taking it in turns and every time each turn taker has covered themselves in shite. Quite why anyone expects them to be different now is a mystery to me.

Nor am I scared with the SNP apparently sweeping the board clean in Scotland. That's a matter for them, the fact that the SNP are madder than Mad Jock McMad, winner of Scotland's maddest man competition, is of no consequence to me. I don't understand how you can bang a drum screaming 'freedom' like a demented Mel Gibson wannabe, whilst being the most authoritarian party on the block and promoting independence from the horrible, horrible English, only to jump under the direct control of Brussels. That isn't protecting Scottish culture or national character, it is a wilful attack on the proud history of Scotland. But hey, what do I care? I live in Kent, it's your country, Jimmy.

No, we need to be scared because. . .

Coffee, sex and blowing your nose could increase the risk of a type of stroke

So any hay-fever sufferer with a new girlfriend and a love of Starbucks has a life expectancy of about 10 minutes I'd say.

They all increase blood pressure which could result in blood vessels bursting, according to research published in the journal Stroke.

Going for a brisk walk increases the blood pressure. Reading about fines for littering payable by people who haven't actually done the littering raises the blood pressure, reading press releases about shagging being bad for you raises the blood pressure. Should action not be taken against them?

The Stroke Association said more research was needed to see if the triggers caused the rupture.

I'll translate that for you:

The Stroke Association said more cash was needed to see if they could think anything else up.

Nanny Beeb has helpfully published a list of activities that can lead to burst aneurysms:

• Coffee 10.6%
• Vigorous exercise 7.9%
• Nose blowing 5.4%
• Sex 4.3%
• Straining to defecate 3.6%
• Drinking cola 3.5%
• Being startled 2.7%
• Being angry 1.3%

Straining to defecate? That's one of life great pleasures, I use disabled toilets specially when I want a good strain, it's nice to have all those handles to grab hold of. I think that's a coded call to ban Guinness.

We really are through the looking glass here. I think I'm going to start a project to colonise Mars, I can see no future on this planet.