Tuesday, 9 December 2008

The One That Can See The Future. . .

It wasn't in the Queen's speech, but this morning the story has broken about how Alan Johnson will today announce that cigarette displays will be banned (there's that word again) in shops.

It would appear that Mandelsnake thinks it will hurt smaller businesses, Johnson has decreed it will go ahead anyway.

It was always going to happen, that or cigarettes would have to be sold in blank packages. Few people will make a fuss, passive smoking kills more people than the holocaust, Stalin's purges and the Cultural Revolution put together. Every year, if you believe the Righteous. It's for our own good.

We've already seen the first skirmishes in the next war break out. A plan to ban the sale of discounted alcohol has been announced. Of course, it won't apply in the Commons Bar, some are more equal than others. We'll carry on paying for the MPs' booze. They'll still be able to have a fag whilst they're drinking their subsidised gin and tonics as well.

Next? Well, we've already heard about the idea of a dedicated boozers' checkout in the supermarkets. But you'll still be able to see it, won't you? Best to build a partition wall around the booze section of the supermarket. Stick a man in uniform (paid for by the supermarket) at the little gate so he can check everyone's ID before they go in. ID cards will stop binge drinking.

Better still, I remember in Moscow in '91 they had this wonderful system, you went to the desk and told the nice woman what you wanted and paid for it. She would then give you a little chit which you would present at the counter when you were summoned to collect your wares. It's worked in Argos for years. What about a drinkers' database? Present your new smart chipped ID card when you order, a quick scan will ensure that you haven't gone over your unit limits for the week. You'll not be able to buy stuff for other people and parties, but it'll be so much safer, don't you think? It's a bit of a pain, but there are people throwing up in the streets and ending up in hospital, we can't have that.

A member of the Righteous says:

'But there is still the problem of the pubs and clubs. People can just walk in off the streets and order booze. It is a disgrace. Let's force the pubs and clubs to put card readers on the bar. 'A pint of Old Peculiar? Certainly, sir. Would you just put your ID card into the reader please? Oh, I'm sorry, you're only allowed one more unit. A single shot of Victory Gin? Very good, sir.'

Next on the list, all those bottles of fizzy drinks, packets of crisps and sweets and chocolate bars at the end of the checkouts, people are getting fat. We're going to have to remove them. Then there's the microwave meals and the cheap frozen stuff. That is all packed with fats, salt and sugar. Then there's red meat, I'm sure I read somewhere it gives you bowel cancer. Is that fish farmed? Tut tut. What about those vegetables? Are they GM free and organic? Blimey, look at the electricity these supermarkets are burning. Don't they know they're killing the planet?

Look, if we collectivise the farms we can issue rations to everyone who lives in the area, they don't need to go shopping. We'll look after them all, they just don't teach Home Ec in schools anymore. Rightly so, those happiness and citizenship classes are so important. Next door's kids came home yesterday singing a perfectly charming song about the new tractors the farms have been given.'

All of a sudden there is a knock on the door, followed by a voice shouting, 'Comrade! Open up, this is the anti-terror police.'

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