The One That Is Missing. . .

I'm off on me hols, see you in a week or so.

If you're good I'll send you a postcard.

If you're very good I'll bring you back a present. Just leave me your name, address and debit or credit card number along with expiry and validity dates plus the last three digits on the back of the card.

When I get back I expect to find a Libertarian government in power. Get to it you slackers, stop wasting your time reading half-arsed blogs.

The One That Is Shouting 'Run, You Buggers! RUN!' . . .

Right folks, just sit back, close your eyes and breathe in deeply through your nose.

Smell that?

Mmmmmm. Me too, don't you just love the smell of cretinous mongtard in the morning?

Yes, Sir Liam Donaldson is at it again.

Schoolchildren could face annual fitness tests under plans laid out by the Government's chief medical officer.

Sir Liam Donaldson wants pupils to undergo "bleep tests" - similar to schemes already running in California and Texas - to help increase fitness levels.

That's a good idea. Perhaps we should install telescreens in everyone's house, then we can have compulsory aerobic sessions in the mornings.

How about some Sokol gymnastics? Or the sort of mass gymnastic demonstrations so beloved of the Communist bloc?

It just goes to show that politicans have no concept of the connection between the decisions they make and policies they implement and the end results.

In the last thirteen years we've seen widespread sale of playing fields, a culture of fear that tells us there's a paedo hiding in the bushes of every park and the obligation for anyone that wants to volunteer to set up kids' sporting clubs to undergo the macro-examination of their lives because they're bound to be kiddy fiddlers as well.

Surprisingly, and you yourself would be a racist paedophile to make any connection between the policies and the results, children in this country have never been less fit.

It isn't the Government's fault, oh no. It's the fault of the parents who are scared to let the kids out of the house, or must seem so bloody precious about being screened, to those doing the screening, before they can work with the kids. The 'authorities' really do believe it is they who look after the best interests of the kids, rather than those who get of their arses and actually do it.

So how will this work?

The bleep test involves running between two markers laid out 20 metres apart. The child must run from one marker to the other before a beep sounds.

Must run? Or what? Will they be taken into care?

Actually, that's not funny, as it probably isn't too far from the truth.

And how will this test be administered? No doubt in some school hall in front of the whole school, where the less fit kids will waddle valiantly between the markers whilst their fitter classmates hoot with derision. Oh, the scope for bullying will be almost boundless.

And how will the kids who fail this test (Is this allowed? Or will they just be given a grade C?) improve their level of fitness? Will they magically be given time on the playing fields the schools had to sell to build houses on during PE lessons that they don't have anymore because they're having lessons on diversity, citizenship, Africa and global warming?

It really does beggar belief. We are allowed no responsibility for ourselves, unless we find ourselves disadvantaged because of the things that have been ripped from us, then it is all our fault.

The One That Is Completely Underwhelmed. . .

You've got to hand it to the Lib Dems, they really don't have any interest in government at all. It's obviously much easier to sit on the benches collecting the £60k+ with added expenses and espousing bizarre policies, than it is to actually try to win an election.

'Change That Works For You. Building A Fairer Britain'

What?

So they take the Tory slogan, load it into an old 2CV and then drive that 2CV as fast as they can into the Labour slogan.

In a time when people are crying out for a real alternative to the big two, the third constituent of the big three have made it perfectly clear that they will offer no difference from the other two at all. Or at least, this is what that slogan says to me. It may just as well have been 'Lib Dems, we're the same as the other two.'

I expected no more of them, but even by Limp Dim standards this is really, really feeble. Odds of 200/1 that they'll beat the big two seems very mean to me, there's more chance of me being crowned the next Miss World.

Now be a good prole and run along. Go vote for one of the big three, it doesn't matter which, they're all the same.

The One That Says It Will Never Work. . .

Libertarianism won't work. People will only look out for themselves. The vulnerable and needy will be cast aside to fend for themselves.

Wanna bet?

Nick Hogan is safely back behind bars. Not the bars which the government sought to contain him behind for failing to act as an unpaid policeman and report his customers for smoking – even when he was not on the premises to witness them to doing so – but the bars, the snug, and the restaurant of his own private property, the Swan with Two Necks, in Chorley, Manchester.

It was with the greatest pleasure that I was able to telephone Denise Hogan, his wife, a few minutes ago, and ask her to go and collect her husband from the Forest Bank jail in Pendlebury.

The indefatigable Old Holborn had moved heaven and earth, above and beyond the call of duty, to arrive at the jail with £8,664.50p in cash, to exchange with the Custody Officer there in return for Nick Hogan’s freedom.

Nick was jailed as an example to us all, that when the State barks ‘jump’ you only question ‘how high’.

He didn’t. He said ‘Why’?

The State made him pay a high price for his temerity; they harassed him, hounded him, bankrupted him, and finally forcibly removed him from his family and friends and jailed him for six months.

His crime? No longer the original charge that he had failed to prevent two customers from smoking on his premises. No. He was actually jailed for being unable to pay the £11,600 in fines and prosecution costs resulting from that charge. He had managed to pay off £1,600, but incomprehensibly to the State, he was not able to put his hands instantly on the £10,000 balance.

The State is so used to having a bottomless pot of Taxpayers money to dip into whenever they feel the need, that they have literally lost the ability to comprehend what the recession means to ordinary people.

I blogged about this affair on the afternoon of 28^th March. My primary concern was, and always would be, Nick’s wife Denise.

Nick objected to the smoking ban. He was part of a group of people, unsurprisingly largely publicans, who violently objected to the smoking ban, both regarding choice and their viability as a business. That is both his right, and his concern. He hosted a demonstration on the day the ban came into force. He stood up to be counted. He was willing to challenge the law.

He eventually paid the price for doing so.

Did Denise? She stood in the background, the loyal wife. She is not a ‘campaigning person’. She is not macho. She is just a wife and Mother.

When the Bolton Evening News story came out, I tracked Denise down to interview her. She was ‘shell-shocked’. Having run a busy restaurant and hotel myself, I was only too aware of the position she had been left in.

‘Put a smile on your face girl; keep the show running’, while the posturing idiots make their political point. Not her choice.

Within minutes of my blog appearing kind hearted people were asking how they could help, where could they send money? I asked Old Holborn if he would let me use his Paypal function and cross post the story onto his web site. Unwittingly I had lured him into a nightmare situation where he would be abused, vilified, threatened, and harassed himself. One day I shall blog about the back ground events to this saga, but today is a day of celebration.

Within 36 hours over £5,000 had been raised. A further £1,200 was donated over the next two days before the campaign received a crucial helping hand from political blogger, Guido Fawkes, who publicised it on his influential site.

Money came in from all over the world, the International Blogosphere had reacted in a truly heart warming way, outraged at the behaviour of the State.

Four days after my story first appeared, Old Holborn’s Paypal account held in excess of £9,700 in assorted currencies. We had to ask people to stop sending money! Then began the battle to persuade Paypal that we were not part of an International money laundering cartel….

Today we succeeded, and with the good wishes of thousands of ordinary men and women, equally battered by the recession, Nick Hogan is once more in the bosom of his family, able to support his wife Denise and their children, instead of being locked up with drug dealers and murderers.

Thank-you Blogosphere – and well done.

The fact that so many of you responded is a powerful message from the voting public that politicians would be well advised to heed. The Blogosphere will not be controlled by politicians, bound up in regulations, throttled by impenetrable legislation. It is not a single target that a ‘D’ notice can be fired at. We are not beholden to advertisers.

“We are the authentic, unfiltered, voice of your electorate”.

Be afraid, ye righteous, ye Statists. We don't need you. We don't need you to grant us permission to act in support of those we deem deserving. We don't need you to guide our actions or to make sure our actions are 'fair' or 'appropriate'. We don't need you to tell us who the deserving are.

We don't need you one little bit.

I have shared a drink and a smoke with Old Holborn on a number of occasions, and was fortunate enough to meet Anna Raccoon on the most recent 'little walk'.

I am hugely, ridiculously and pathetically proud of them, their actions and my small association with them.

The One That Is Looking For The Pound. . .

A few little farty about things tonight.

Firstly, thanks for the supportive comments in the previous posting. I fear, given the vitriol flying around my workplace and on facebook at the moment, that I am in a small minority.

Secondly, it would appear that the BBC have lost the pound. I know it’s worthless now, but even so, you can stick your euro up your arse. I fail to see the point of converting one currency we don’t use into another we don’t use, they might as well have quoted the amount in Bolivars.

A US television producer has pleaded guilty to attempting to blackmail US chat show host David Letterman over his sexual affairs.

Robert Halderman was charged after threatening to reveal all unless paid $2m (1.47m euros).

How odd.

Whilst we’re using the BBC as a source, what in the blue hell is this?

The UK has donated £1m ($1.5m) to South Africa to buy condoms in a bid to combat HIV and Aids, as the nation builds up to the football World Cup.

In other words, ‘Taxpayer gives a million quid to the South Africans so they can give visiting fans for the world cup the green light to screw pox and HIV ridden whores.’

Well, I suppose it’s supporting private enterprise. I wonder why they've not quoted that amount in Rand? (About 11 Million).

Meanwhile in the Garden of England:

A professional gambler has been found guilty of running a £34m pyramid scam that targeted people on low incomes.

At least 8,000 peopled "invested" a minimum of £1,000 into the scam, with a guarantee that within two years they would get a return of five times their initial outlay.

And how would he return the investment?

Kevin Foster promised high returns on a number of gambling and network marketing schemes.

So, in effect, you give him a thousand quid, and he’d go down the bookie and pick the horse. No doubt he’s a naughty man, but a fool and his money. . .

Oh yeah, £34 million quid, that comes in at around 433,093,417,303 Lao Kip. Just in case you're interested.

In Ankara, the Turkish PM has been putting ideas into the head of Cameron and Brown.

Indeed, it’s probably best to avoid the whole subject of cartoons and Ireland at the moment.

There's obviously something very hurtful about satire, especially if you are a self-important politician, or protecting God and his prophet(s). I always thought that one of God's most defining qualities was his omnipotence. Let's face it, if he can make his lad turn up in a jar of marmite, then surely smiting a cartoonist or two is a walk in the park? I'd leave him to get on with it, if I were them.

People might think I'm nuts, but I like to think it's Jesus looking out for us.

Yes, I think you're nuts. It looks like he's trying to hide from you, not look out for you.

Situation normal, we're surrounded by cretins, shysters, mentalists and simpletons.

The One That Hasn't Been Striking. . .

Golden rules. Well, if it's something I've learned about golden rules from this government, it is that they are there to be broken. So here goes.

My only golden rule about this blog is that I will not blog about my work. This is for a couple of reasons, I don't want to - in the main my work is dull, and it isn't a good idea - if I say something controversial and it is traced back to me, I could find myself in a spot of bother.

So. As many of you know I'm a civil servant (and I'm very civil, I always say hello, good-bye, please and thank-you. My mother brought me up very well), by most peoples' reckoning about 250,000 of us were out on strike today, I wasn't one of them. And I will explain why.

Firstly, it's not my union that has gone out on strike. As a Libertarian I have absolutely no problem with the concept of a unionised workplace. One of the central beliefs of Libertarianism is the freedom of association. However I am not a member of the PCS union, they are far too militant for my liking, and locally have engaged in shameful, personal attacks against managers and members and reps of other unions. Criticise policy and performance all you like, launch personal attacks (and these attacks were disgusting and very, very personal, below even that which one would expect of a playground bully) and my interest in having you represent me is nil.

I will now trot out the old line about the difference in pay between private sector employees and their equivalents in the public sector. I am not a high ranking officer, and my pay is not stellar. However it is enough for me to live on, I have (a lesser degree of) security and I know that (at present) my pay will be in my bank account at the end of every month. That is worth a lot to me, so I'm happy with my lot, even though it isn't perfect.

Secondly, I'm not in complete agreement with the subject of the action. As I understand it, it all hinges on the amount payable to staff if they are laid off. Under the new system which is due to be introduced in April 2011, I would stand to lose about 40% of what I would currently be paid in the event of my being laid off. Whilst that is a sizeable amount, it is still well beyond that which would be given out to most private sector employees.

Am I happy about this? No, not particularly. However I have an understanding that the money that has been splashed about over the last thirteen years simply is not there anymore. We are broke, so there are two options, cut back on expenditure, or raise taxes. I don't want the latter, either coming out of my pay-packet or making people view me as the greedy, lazy, incompetent civil servant that has ensured a bigger chunk has gone AWOL from theirs. No, cuts have to be made, and we on the factory floor have a duty to take our share, just as our managers in the office above us do. I hope they realise this though. Whether they do or not remains to be seen.

Whilst I completely understand the reaction of my colleagues, not just in my department, but from across the civil service, going on strike isn't going to change the fact that the cupboard is bare. We cannot pay out cash that doesn't exist.

The worry is that as soon as this reduced pay-out regime comes into force, the job cuts will start. It would seem that we need to reduce by 10% (natural wastage is about 3% - 4%). Well, at the risk of sounding hard hearted, I reckon my department could probably cut 10% of the typical lazy, incompetent staff at a stroke and not lose any efficiency at all. Poor performance dismissals are a very rare animal round my way, and too many people have had it too easy for too long. The lazy and incompetent are tolerated, carried, not rocking the boat is the order of the day down here. It is amazing how the feckless and can't be bothered get very energised and determined as soon as moves to finish their free ride appear on the horizon. The policy of 'it's a hassle, let's not force the issue' has gone on far too long, both on the factory floor and in the office above. It must stop, now.

I'm confident that if the cuts come, I'm capable of proving that I am, have been and will continue to be worth my job. If I'm not, then I'll just have to deal with it. Again, I may sound hard hearted, I may sound like I'm looking out for number one. Well, I am. I am not convinced that any union can look after me and especially not the PCS. It seems to me the PCS are like the big 3 parties. They get your subs and then demand your complete obedience to their agenda. Well, to be frank, Fuck That. If these savings HAVE to be made, if these cuts MUST happen then all the strikes in the world will not alter that fact. To borrow a phrase, we can't carry on like this. It isn't fair on the taxpayer and it isn't fair on the staff who are competent, who do work and do care.

I cross the picket line with a clear conscience. However I also do it with no criticism of those standing on it, they are poorly managed, frustrated at a sea of waste, demoralised and (the majority of good workers) are undervalued by their managers and ministers. I understand them, but I cannot join them.

The One That Is Comparing And Contrasting. . .

Perhaps I’m easily confused, but these two stories on Al-Jabeeba’s website this morning have me scratching my head.

Exhibit A:

A review from the UK Met Office says it is becoming clearer that human activities are causing climate change.

It says the evidence is stronger now than when the Intergovernmental Panel on climate Change carried out its last assessment in 2007.

The analysis, published in the Wiley Interdisciplinary Reviews Climate Change Journal, has assessed 110 research papers on the subject.

It says the earth is changing rapidly, probably because of greenhouse gases.

Blimey, that’s a bugger. What the hell are we going to do?

I will console myself by continuing to consume my morning news. Oh… hullo, what’s this?

Exhibit B:

Four ships break free from Baltic Sea ice.

Four ships have broken free after being stuck in the ice in the Baltic Sea, but around 50 remain stuck, officials say.

Some ships are stranded in the waters between Stockholm and the Aaland Islands, while others are stuck in the Bay of Bothnia to the north.

Many of the vessels are not likely to be freed for hours, the Swedish maritime authorities say.

They say no-one is hurt and there are currently no evacuation plans. However, the level of alert has been increased.

So, on one hand we’ve got polar bears breaking out the factor 40 and people in the centre of Australia building arks in anticipation of the biblical flood we’re expecting, and yet on the other hand we’ve got ships stuck in ice off the coast of Stockholm. I know that Sweden is hardly St. Lucia in winter, but Stockholm is a long, long way from the Arctic Circle, and it is bloody March.

Even the IPCC has declared a ‘pause’.

Anyone have any ideas? ‘Cause I’m stumped.

The One That Can't Wait To Watch It. . .

So agreement has been reached on the televised leaders' debate. It's going to be cracking stuff. News on Sky, BBC and ITV have been talking in evangelical terms about how the JFK/Nixon debate marked the turning point in American presidential election campaigns. Nixon eschewed make-up, blah blah, radio listeners thought Kennedy had lost the debate, yadda yadda.

The media expect that everyone in this country will be sat on the edge of their seats, hanging on every word spoken by the great political titans and that as a result, come polling day, there'll be queues down the street outside the stations. Newsflash; people who don't care (most of the population), won't watch. If you really want to see how important it is, put the broadcasts on instead of Eastenders and Corrie, see what sort of response you get. Even better, preface these broadcasts with 'Tonight's episode of Coronation Street/Eastenders has been replaced with three political non-entities doing nothing but calling the other two cunts. The planned episode will never be shown, ever. Now sit down and listen to what these very important people have to say.'

We now have the bizarre situation where we'll see a televised debate between three party leaders, none of whom have a better than below average chance of actually getting a mandate as Prime Minister of a majority government.

The parties will be hoping that everyone doesn't go out and vote, because if the show that these three twits put on is as bad as I think it's going to be, the Green, UKIP and BNP share of the vote will rocket.

Let's have a look at the candidates shall we?

Gordon Brown - The most unpopular PM in history. A man who, even when scrubbed to with an inch of his life and ladled into his best bib and tucker, would make Gok Wang burst into tears and stomp off screaming 'I can't work under these conditions'. His presentation is awful. He can't talk without fluffing his lines. He cannot answer a question. No point about Labour good will be made, it will all be Tories bad. Everything wrong will be blamed on Thatcher, USA, other cabinet members, the renaming of Jif to Cif, etc. Plus there's that thing where his jaw drops open and then slams shut, like he's trying to stop the evil spirits from escaping. Who is going to vote for that?


Dave Cameron - The man who has lost the PM job before he even got it. Really, how bad do you have to be if you can't beat Brown? This is a man who shares no common policy ground with the membership of his party. It's up to them to follow him. Cripes! As Boris would say. He presents well, but can't evade the toffish air about him. He too will not be able to answer any questions due to his complete lack of policies beyond; 1- Become PM, 2- More of the same. As we see from the opinion polls, no-one fancies that much, either.

Neil Clague (or whatever his name is) - The man who will have to preface every statement with 'Hi, I'm Nigel Cludd (or whatever his name is), leader of the Lib Dems. A man so anonymous that when he calls round to see his old mum, she demands ID before she lets him in the house. He'll spend the whole time avoiding the question about what he'll do in the likely event of a hung parliament. He'll be banging on about change and alternatives whilst providing none whatsoever. Policies? Plenty of them, knowing that he'll never, ever be held to them. Flute lessons for lions? Great idea, write it down. It won't matter. No-one will vote for him, because by the time polling day comes around, they'll have forgotten who he is.

The best the party minders can do is to gaffer tape their charges to a chair and pretend they've pulled a no-show. It will not usher in a golden age of engagement between politician and electorate, it will be yet more proof of how out of touch, inflexible and dogmatic our leaders are. As such it will be a triumph and must go ahead, no matter what. If we're lucky, it'll utterly destroy the three of them.