I don't even know where to start

With this. . .

Parents who smoke in cars in front of small children are "committing a form of child abuse", a leading GP has said.

Professor Steve Field, chairman of the Royal College of General Practitioners, has condemned society's attitudes to food, alcohol and cigarettes.

Why is it so hard for these arseclowns to understand? Police are there to enforce the laws that exist, not to enforce those they wish to see on the statute. Doctors are there to cure people who are ill, not to ban us from doing anything that carries any risk at all.

If these two ever get together, there will be but two laws, the only thing we'll be allowed to do is sit quietly at a table, with our hands in full view. The second law will be that we wash those hands once every ten minutes.

Thankfully it'll never happen, they could never get on, the only thing more arrogant and authoritarian than a Doctor is a senior police officer.

The BBC have plenty of form here as well, the willing playground voice of nanny's decrees. Look at the photo on the article, the message is clear, smoke and your kids will get fat.

Just do your bloody job won't you? The one you are paid for, handsomely, where you don't have to work weekends and evenings, (even the police manage that), from money taken from us on pain of prison. Your job is to make people better. Do it.

Would the mechanic complain if he kept seeing the same person every week because they were habitually smacking the wing of the car against the gatepost? No. He'd be delighted. Because he relies on people coming to him for a living. Doctors get their money regardless. They make no connection between the taxes paid and the service given.

Bastards.

The One That Says It's None Of Their Business. . .

News today that Pristina is waiting for a judgement by the International Court of Justice on the independence of Kosovo.

A short and no-depth history lesson. Yugoslavia was one of the Versailles states, drawn up in 1918 at the conclusion of the First World War. It was an interesting idea as they managed to lump in the Croats and Serbs, who had a history of beating the shit out of each other for generations, and the Christians and the Muslims who had a history of beating the shit out of each other for generations into one easily combustible package. That it took another 70 years to really kick off was something of a miracle.

It was always a bit of testy area when it was part of the Ottoman Empire, as evidenced by the assasination of Arch-Duke Ferdinand. What a bloody mess.

Fast-Forward a hundred or so years and the benefits of the old Empire, and the federal state are still being reaped. Especially in the UK where the word Kosovan is almost a by-word for the sort of person who arrives in Dover in the back of an HGV (although I understand these days it's normally Eritreans, Iraqis, Iranians, Sudanese and Vietnamese).

Following years and years of repression, persecution and general nastiness, the vast majority of ethnic Albanian Kosovan Muslims decided they'd had quite enough of Serbia, thank you very much, and on 17th February 2008 they declared independence.

It could have gone quite badly, one can only think back to the reactions of Serbia when Croatia and Bosnia did the same. Thankfully, it all went Slovene smoothly. Probably something to do with the shit load of UN troops camping out in the area. Serbia no doubt remembered the big bangs echoing around Belgrade when the missiles came raining down earlier on in the story.

Serbia aren't happy about this. For some reason, and I'm a bit hazy on the socio-political history bit here, they seem to view the Federal Republic of Yugoslavia as being Serbia and some other bits all doing what Serbia say. I'm not sure that's how a Federal model works. I thought the whole point of a Federal model was that it gave all constituent parts an equal say in the running of the place, a washing-up rota and stuff. Perhaps I'm wrong.

Kosovo is a country that was never out of the news and became a by-word for the very worst of Europe. Having struck out on its own and we haven't heard a peep since. It's like Estonia, things must be going fairly well in Estonia, because we never hear anything about it.

You'd have thought that everyone would have been very pleased with this state of affairs, it has allowed us all to focus on the job of making things go bang in an entertaining fashion elsewhere. It's like trying to sit in the garden reading your book when the burglar alarm goes off on the house down the road. It'll cause you to tut and is just a little bit more than a minor irritation, not enough for you to do something about it, but when the noise stops, it's lovely.

So now we have this bizarre situation, where the people of Kosovo who have been quietly getting on with life and not hurting anyone (indeed quite the reverse, the recent exchange of land with Macedonia is a model of how two sensible countries should act) now have to wait and see if some other people will be nice enough to give them permission to have their own country.

Well, what bloody business is it of theirs? Who the hell are the ICJ to say 'Yes, we'll allow you to be a country.' or 'No, sorry, we think you should do what the Serbs tell you, off you go now.'? Why the hell do these people have a say over the wishes of the people that actually live in this place?

Wherefore self determination?

Of course it should be pointed out that ICJ is not binding. Well, what does that mean? According to the Groan:

The judgment from the ICJ in The Hague – to be issued at 2pm – is not legally binding, but is likely to have profound consequences for Kosovo and other de facto states and territories that might secede in the future.

So it's not binding, but we know what that means, don't we? It's not binding, as long as you abide by the ruling. The moment you tell them to sod off, you can bet the big guns will be wheeled out.

Unfortunately for Kosovo, the largest organisation active in the country is EULEX, the European Union Rule of Law Mission. They already use the Euro, they're already caught in the trap. They'll swap one top heavy centralised disinterested government for another. If Kosovo gets the green light, you can bet the EU will be there like a shot whispering in their ear like Grima Wormtongue.

I wish Kosovo well, but fear their new independence will be shortlived as they become addicted to the heroin of 'EU' cash and the attendent machinery that goes with it.

The bottom line, as I see it, is this. The will of the electorate is sovereign. If the people of Kosovo, Kurdistan or Cornwall want independence, then fine. Two conditions; don't go picking fights, don't expect me to fund it. You want to stand on your own two feet? Then go ahead and do it, you'll get a handshake and wishes of best luck from me.

UPDATE

The ICJ has ruled in favour of Kosovo. Serbia significantly unchuffed. I don't understand why, keeping a part of a country in against its will can only result in serious trouble.

Whilst I'm pleased to see that the will of the population is not illegal, I still don't see what bloody business it is of theirs.

The One That Is Pleased The Recycling Agenda Is Being Followed. . .

We've been told that recycling is very important. I tend to agree, why make something new when you can re-use something old? It's just common and economic sense, the environmental concerns are all very well, but the idea of recycling is a winner just on the first two grounds.

I draw the line somewhere though.

At Easter, I blogged the following:

'Teddy, a six-year-old donkey with Anna Usborne, in Chalford, Gloucestershire, ahead of an Easter Sunday walk that aims to encourage children to enjoy a chocolate-free weekend, for the sake of their health.'

Oh do shut up and fuck off, there's a good woman.

'Hey kids, no chocolate this morning, it's bad for you. But we're going on a walk, and you'll see a lovely donkey. Won't that be nice?'

Well what's this I spy?

Parents should shun chocolate bars and sweets this Halloween and instead give their children spooky-themed healthy food, a charity says.

Yes, folks. It's the recycling of news stories.

Same story, same comment from me.

Fuck off you meddling, purse-lipped, joyless, bleak, grey, miserable arse-wipes.

When will you get the message that we couldn't care less about you, what you think or what you stand for and we will take no notice of you whatsoever?

I look forward to the same being trotted out in a few weeks for the festive period.

The One That Wants To Know Why You Can't Just Mind Your Own Bloody Business. . .

Back in March I blogged about some mouthbreathing Righteous arsewipe who was incapable of keeping her bloody nose out of other peoples' business.

It's happened again:

A supermarket has apologised to one of its customers after she was told she could not have unpasteurised cheddar cheese because she was pregnant.

I could paste more, but really can't be arsed.

Look, it is very simple.

It is none of your fucking business. None. Whatsoever.

I don't go to the supermarket for medical advice, and even if I did, I wouldn't seek that advice from the girl working on the fucking cheese counter.

Jeeeeesus.

Here we have it folks, our politicians spend so much time telling us how to live our lives that everyone thinks it is an appropriate way to behave. Footballers? Rock stars? Pah, it is the NuLabourites that have been a bad example for the public, if only they'd wrap cheese wire around their necks and stick their faces into the meat-slicer, then perhaps know nothing cheese vendors would do the same, instead of sticking their noses in to other peoples' business.

Bastards.

The One That Wants Them To Shut The Hell Up. . .

Cheap deals on alcoholic drinks should be illegal, a new report is proposing, with a call for tighter controls on the marketing of alcohol.

The British Medical Association (BMA) argues young people are highly influenced by advertising and price deals, which encourage them to drink excessively.

It is none of your fucking business. Doctors will moan that cheap booze leads to them doing more medical stuff on people.

It doesn't. People drinking too much leads to them doing more medical stuff on people. If people didn't get sick or do silly things they'd all be out of the job that pays them shit loads for not working evenings and weekends and allowing them to play golf four days a fucking week.

What is it about doctors? Why do they think that a 5 year medical degree makes them not just an expert on medicine, but also everything else in the whole fucking world?

This is like an association of mechanics asking for diesel to be banned because people keep putting it in petrol driven vehicles. Would they? No. They may feign sympathy when it happens, but inside a little voice is singing the words to the happy dance. It keeps food on their table.

Perhaps the Licensed Victuallers Association can start complaining about how long waits in A&E are making their customers stay out of pubs longer and that something should be done.

Wind your fucking necks in, shut up, make people better. That's your job, it is not your job to be our guardians/nannies/camp guards or to make political policy.

Got it?

The One That Is Advising You To Mind Your Own Fucking Business. . .

I blogged yesterday about corporatism. Slowly but surely big companies are becoming as important, if not more important, than elected and traditional government institutions.

ACPO set the fashion by being a private company that is somehow in charge of police, so who better than Asda to be in charge of the country's moral wellbeing?

A man who was prevented from buying a bottle of wine in a Sussex supermarket because he was with his 15-year-old daughter has criticised its policy.

Mark Brown said he told staff at Asda in Brighton that the wine was for him.

But Mr Brown, who often shops with his daughter Madison, said he was told he could not be served the alcohol unless she had ID to prove her age.

Right, but even if she was going to drink it at home, it's none of Asda's fucking business.

A statement from Asda said it had been "erring on the side of caution in line with national guidelines".

Yes, but it's none of your fucking business. Why not be more cautious? Why not refuse to sell alcohol to someone who lives in a town where people are under the age of 18.

The company is one of several supermarkets using the new checkout policy in order to prevent individual members of staff from being prosecuted for selling alcohol to someone under age.

Yes, but he isn't under age. Fucknuts.

Richard Dodd, of the British Retail Consortium, said: "I think parents should actually be reassured to see retailers being so rigorous in their determination not to sell alcohol to under-18s."

Do you? Do you indeed. I think you should MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS. You righteous, preaching, self important little cuntwaft. Because the thing is, the guy that was buying the alcohol was over 18. Do you see?

Do you?

It's very simple.

Cunts.

(Sorry, I try not to swear too much, but really, these fucktards should be lined up against a wall and be shot. And I'm virulently anti-death penalty.)

The One That Finds Them Inspiring. . .

Kids. They get a bad press.

Fear not, the skills of problem solving, lateral thinking and sticking it to the man are still very much alive in our kids.

Children taking part in a study to measure how much exercise they do fooled researchers by attaching their pedometers to their pet dogs.

That'll teach the researchers to mind their own fucking business, won't it?

All is not lost.

The One That Says 'You Will Look How I Say'. . .

As a kid I remember England playing a qualifying match for the World Cup or Euros away to Albania. I also remember some genuine concerns about whether Chris Waddle would be admitted to the country due to his infamous mullet. Granted, even by 80's footballer standards, it was shit, but I couldn't get my head around the fact that you could be refused entry to a country just because your hair was business at the front and party at the back.

Nowadays I believe that the reverse is almost true, and that some pointed questions may be asked at passport control in Tirana if you turn up without a mullet.

Well, 80's revival seems to be the in thing at the moment. God knows why, I remember the 80's and am glad we've got 20 years distance between then and now. Still history repeats itself, and the latter day Enver Hoxha is revealed as Joe Langley, the NASUWT branch secretary in Salford.

This person has decided that it is very important to jump into the debate surrounding a moustache.

Yes. A moustache.

I feel a certain solidarity with 14 year old Akaash Iqbal. He has been banned (there's that word again) for growing a moustache. Because? Well, as far as I can make out, because he's grown a moustache.

He's 14, when I was 14 I was turning into the hairy wolfman that sits before you today. My 5 0'clock shadow comes at about half twelve. I'm covered in the fucking stuff, and whilst I was at school, got so pissed off with the whole shaving lark, that I grew a full beard. Not some wispy poncy Che wannabe, the full beard like that bloke from Abba.

So yes, it 'grips my shits' to see this poor lad slung out for refusing to shave his face fungus off, and why the hell should he? It's his bloody face. Where do these fuckers get off, what business it is of theirs? He is doing no damage to anyone. I've blogged in the past about kids being beaten at school by their classmates and the schools taking no action at all, but grow a 'tache, you're out of here son.

Let's see what Enver Langley has to say:

Unless you start somewhere and make children abide by a code that's the start of the slippery slope if you let them get away with it.

Sub the word children for teacher and that could have come out of the mouth of Ed Balls. Make children abide by a code? Yes, wholeheartedly. Here's the code. Sit down, listen to your teacher, realise that you have to pick out the indoctrination. Be polite and respectful. Question everything you're told, think for yourself and whatever you do, don't conform. You'll be a long time conforming, so express yourself now, you're young, take the chance now because if you don't, the opportunity may not arise again.

Anyhow. . .

All the school [Manchester Academy] is trying to do is enforce standards and I would have thought everyone would be onside with that.

Ahh yes, but who sets those standards? What if the standard was to dress in Waffen SS uniform, or to have only one book on the set text list, and you had to learn it by heart whilst rocking backwards and forwards?

Nasty controlling little fuckwits who are the first to moan when someone tells them to do something. It smacks of the parlour boy kicking the cat.

You go on and keep growing those whiskers Akaash, really put the cat amongst the pigeons and tell them you've converted to Sikhism, and then ask them about Kesh.

The One That Thinks This Is A Bloody Good Idea. . .

Reproduced from the LPUK blog and written by Ian P-J:

From Monday All your emails, web browsing history and mobile calls will be stored for a year due to sweeping new laws making Britain a proper kleptocracy, by order of the EU.

(On 15 March 2006 the European Union formally adopted Directive 2006/24/EC, on "the retention of data generated or processed in connection with the provision of publicly available electronic communications services or of public communications networks and amending Directive 2002/58/EC")

Your web browsing will be stored from your ISP. The Government will force you to have it all revealed to them from your ISP. IP addresses the works.

Story in the Independent here

As a personal protest, I have created the following email signature, which will be added to each and every email that I send. I see this as a completely responsible act, one which does not break the law, but none-the-less an act of defiance, an act of rebellion against those who would take away my right to privacy, supposedly guaranteed by the European Charter of Human Rights, one which I hope will make those who draft such inept laws pay attention.

The following is a disclaimer and a protest at the collection, retention and sharing of my personal mail by the morally bankrupt state. By adding a string of key words, it will guarantee that each and every mail that I send will now need to be manually viewed as it is picked up by the auto scan software. If every person in the UK does exactly the same, then the entire system will quickly become so unmanageable, so unwieldy that it will become unworkable.

Key words, bomb, assassinate, president, brown, Osama, Obama, Sargozy, Merkel, government, target, location, rocket, grenade, al-Qaeda, Pakistan, India, Afghanistan, UK, America, guns, jets, bombs, machine-gun, terrorists, MP's, pigs, troughs, France, Germany, Italy, nuclear, Korea.

It is time to stop meekly accepting everything that the government throws at us. It is time to stop listening to lily livered politicians who say this is OK, because it really is NOT OK. It is time to stop listening to the apologist organisations or committees who will accept this type of data collection with a rider of wanting a little more protection for the data.


I refuse to be intimidated by my own Government. It is time to make this kind of data collection unworkable.
Now Government, make me stop !!

The One That Says 'Mind Your Own Bloody Business'. . .

The latest in health and lifestyle choice advice centres, earlier today.

Some people I could quite happily hit in the face with a frying pan, in a 'Bottom' style. The repeated clang and manic Ade Edmonson grin would be most theraputic.

Pravda South East was leading with this story tonight:

Caroline Williams was 23 weeks pregnant with her second child when she was asked to leave the Sussex Cricketers pub in Hove, East Sussex last Saturday.

The 26-year-old hairdresser said she felt humiliated and accused the pub staff of acting like "drink police."

"I was on a rare night out with some friends. I had a pint of lager and a friend offered to get me another half – that was going to be my limit.

"He was refused service because it was for me. When I later took a sip from another friend's glass, the assistant manageress asked me and my friends to leave.

It is perhaps not surprising that the assistant manager stands by her decision, she obviously knows what is best for everyone else, and her beliefs must take precedence over those of all others.

A pub spokeswoman said Mrs Williams, "a heavily pregnant lady who was drinking alcohol", and her friends had been asked to leave because the assistant manager was concerned.

Ahhh, ain't that nice? You go out for a drink and the people you pay to serve you beer take such a concern for your wellbeing that they then tell you to do one.

Liberties, as spoken of yesterday; The proprietors are well within their rights to decide who may and may not patronise their establishment. Those patrons are well within their rights to walk right past this pub in Hove, and to go and spend their money somewhere else.

With so many pubs closing each week, you'd have thought that the managers of The Sussex Cricketer would have been keen to have held on to as many customers as possible.

When the Righteous are in official positions it is difficult to do much about them, directly. When they are in private enterprise, you just take your cash elsewhere. I hope this party and many others do.

What a lackwit this manager is, not only sanctimonious and hectoring, but also lacking any business acumen. Their future doesn't look great, does it?

The One That Is Hurling Abuse. . .

Dr. David Walker, he's a prick.

Thankfully, a load of other Scottish doctors think he's a prick as well.

Increased tax on chocolate? Give me strength. The duty on cigarettes has gone up pretty much every year since, I don't know, anyone? A bloody long time. But people still buy them.

Listen you stupid bastards, if people want to eat chocolate, that's their business. If people eat so much chocolate passing hippos make amorous advances towards them, that's their look out. Keep your nose out of my fucking business, and your hands out of my fucking wallet. We've got to lose this obsession with taking money off people because they do something that perhaps you don't think is very wise.

Right, I'm off to write a letter to my MP suggesting that doctors have too much time on their hands for the money they get, and that perhaps if they were taxed every time they opened their mouths and said something bloody stupid, fatuous or demonstrated that they know better than everyone on every subject (A disturbingly common trait in doctors, and teachers.) then they wouldn't do it so often.

The One That Will Not Be Going For A Pint In Aberdeen. . .

I'm really at a loss on this one. I'm so flabbergasted that I'll just quote the leading text of this news story from Al-Beeb:

Pub-goers in Aberdeen are facing a drugs test before entering bars as part of a crackdown by Grampian Police.

So, is this some kind of sobriety test akin to the ones we see used by American cops on the roadside?

Well, no.

Officers in the force will be the first in Scotland to use an Itemiser - a device which can detect traces of drugs from hand swabs in a matter of seconds.

I'm not sure how that would effect somebody working in a dispensing chemist or a pharmaceutical firm. But let's see what else is going on. . .

The test is voluntary,

Oh, so that doesn't seem too bad then, you can tell them to piss off in the nicest possible way then. . .

. . . but customers will be refused entry if they do not take part.

Of for the love of God. What is wrong with these people? Look, I don't like drugs, I don't use drugs (yeah, yeah booze and baccy, but you know) and think that people who deal in drugs should be cast into a dark pit of their own filth. But you cannot just blanket target everybody, just because they might have traces of drugs on them. Despite saying in the report that people could be searched if they return an amber reading on the machine, the very act of taking hand swabs, in my book, constitutes a search. It is another example of everything that is wrong with this country. Where are the reasonable grounds or suspicion? Is entering the pub grounds for suspicion that you are there solely to deal in drugs? How do the landlords feel about this? Has a similar line been taken with them as it has with his punters? Have they been told 'It is voluntary, but if you don't do it, we'll suspend your licence.'

This is the worst, most cowardly way of doing business and I'd love to know what the effects of this programme are on the pubs' takings. I wouldn't have drugs on me. I would object to the search on the basis of my own personal liberty to not be searched trying to enter a pub, and so walk away. I would also be thinking to myself 'this pub obviously has a drugs problem, I'll go elsewhere as I don't want to be in there.'

Sometimes I get so angry. . .

The One That Is Shaking His Head. . .

A couple of minor stories from the last few days have stuck in my head. Both, for different reasons, are indicators of what a bizarre and generally unpleasant society we live in.

The first comes from Catania in Sicily, one of the poorest parts of Italy. Some lucky (and I use the word fairly loosely) individual has won €100m (US$125m, GB£80.5m) on the lottery. Now on the face of it 80 million quid sounds quite nice, although consideration of the sheer logistics of managing such an amount is mind boggling and means that it could be a poisoned chalice.

The phrase regarding this lottery win which stuck with me came from the local mayor, he said:

'. . . whoever won will feel a moral duty to do something for the local community. . .'

Well, now hang on a minute. This isn't your money. It is up to the winner(s) what they do with it, and in my experience the last people who should be doling out advice on what to do with large sums of money is the local political class. I wonder if the council of the Commune di Catania had interests in Icelandic banks?

Speaking personally, I quite often daydream whilst walking the dog and will think about what my actions would be if I were to win a huge amount like this. What surprises me is that it doesn't involve sports cars, yachts, rambling mansions and the like. Well, perhaps one sports car then. I always hit on the same formula, to preserve my anonymity I'd engage a decent firm of local solicitors to arrange the payment of funds to ensure that some organisations and buildings that are important to me would never have to worry again. I was fortunate to grow up in a lovely Kentish village with a village green overlooked by church, windmill and pubs. On a sunny Sunday cricket afternoon, it is perhaps the lovliest place on Earth. Accordingly huge amounts of money would be spent on the village cricket and football clubs, scout hall, village hall, church, windmill, village museum and village school. No-one would ever know it was me. I don't particularly care about the church as an organisation, but care deeply about the church in the village as a beautiful and quite rare example of religious architecture. I don't particularly care about the Scouting organisation, but appreciate the important role it plays in the life of the village youngsters. The school should be looked after by the taxpayer, but the building is a wonderful Victorian structure and I was blissfully, deliriously happy there in my primary schooling. Every last one of them would receive lavish amounts of cash.

I obviously would contribute something to the local community, but that is my choice, if I also chose to gold plate all my fruit and veg, then that's my look out as well. Another telling line from the report is from a local consumer group who wanted the jackpot to be seized and redistributed.

Hmmm. Indeed. How long before the righteous (TM Leg-Iron) start calling for a cap on lotto payouts in this country on the basis that it isn't good for people and redistribute the winnings on a basis that met their definition of being 'worthy'?

The second story relates to a chap called Chris Read, one of my fellow county-men, who had the temerity to leave negative feedback on some guy's e-bay site for sending him a damaged mobile phone that wasn't the item he'd ordered and paid for. As a result the vendor, Joel Jones, refunded Read's money. Read did not remove his negative feedback and received a letter from the vendor's solicitors threatening legal action as:

'The negative feedback you left on October 3 regarding Samsung F700 was unfair and is damaging to my business's reputation and ability to trade.'

Well, no it isn't unfair. It's entirely fair. He went on to say that:

'He had no right to post negative feedback which will show up on my profile and put off other customers.'

Call me a bluff old traditionalist, but I think he had every right to post that feedback, and if you make a habit of sending people wrong and substandard goods, you deserve every bit of bad feedback you get.

Good old Chris Read is standing his ground. What sort of country do we live in where someone who provides a poor service thinks they can drag someone to the courts for pointing this out? I hope he does take him to court and I hope the judge hits him with as big a penalty as possible for wasting everyone's time and being a general arse-clown.

The One That Is Thinking Of The Chiiiiiiiildren. . .

Some people would rather Gary Glitter look after their kids, than this bastard.

We have kids leaving school unable to read, write or do basic mathematics. We have kids in school who are subjected to violent attack on a daily basis (more on this later during the week) whilst the teachers stand there wringing their hands over the reputation to the school and the 'rights' of the kids perpetrating that violence. We have kids born into a life of state dependency where they grow up learning the lesson that there's no point in trying to get on, because the government will penalise you for trying to do so.

But all that pales into insignificance compared to the threat posed by Tony the Tiger.

Which? have branded Tony the Tiger, Snap, Crackle & Pop and others as villains for failing to promote healthy eating.

Well here's an entertaining perspective. It isn't the job of these companies to promote healthy eating. It is their job to promote their products. I'm not about to start criticising BA for failing to promote taking the Eurostar (and following my experiences with the World's Most Arrogant Airline, that's about the only thing I won't criticise them for). Here's another entertaining perspective; why don't we criticise the parents of these little porkers for putting this shite down their throats in the first place? We've removed junk food advertising from kiddies TV, we've pointed out that eating this shit has the result you'd expect, why do we need these people to do more?

The parents have more than enough information to make a choice, it is plastered all over the packaging. Don't give me the bullshit that it is 'confusing', this is the worst kind of patronising testiculating*. It is akin to ruffling people's hair and saying 'it's very complicated. Don't worry your pretty little head about it, I'll read it and tell you what to do. Go and have this little sugar free lollipop.'

Just in case there's any doubt: If you feed your children shit that is full of fat, sugar, salt and preservatives, they will grow fat, ugly, inattentive, stupid and suffer huge mood swings and behavioural problems. Clear enough?

Well, obviously not as the self-important arse-clown at Which? says that:

'If the industry fails to act, the government should step in.'

Give me strength, look just stick to telling me how much car X does to the gallon, if fridge Y is going to catch fire and if satelite system Z lets me pick up specialist German hardcore porn. Do not get involved in policy and lobbying. It is none of your fucking business. Just say that coco-mallow-sugar-flakes are shit, and shredded wheat is good. That is all that is required of you, thank you very much.

*testiculating - waving your arms around in the air, whilst talking bollocks.