The One That Is Still Banging On About DNA. . .

When I posted the reply I got from Julian Brazier the other day about DNA retention, my comment was that the Tory line was ‘an improvement, even if a slight one.’

I fear I may have done Mr. Brazier and the Conservative party an injustice. Now that doesn’t mean that the Tories are a shining beacon of civil liberties whom angels shall surely sing to their final rest, it is just that Labour are so, so, so wrong and so, so, so repulsive that the Tory position is as preferable as a nice cup of tea and a biscuit is to having one’s internal organs removed by a narcoleptic orang-utan with use of a plastic spoon whilst he plays the hits of Phil Collins on the kazoo.

What could possibly have made me reveal this train of thought?

A sortie over the blogosphere this evening has drawn two items to my attention.

Firstly Julia M/Ambush Predator writes a thorough fisking of some of the worst, most objectionable, 14 pints of Stella induced cloudy piss ridden. . . well. . . tosh from the Postman who somehow now holds one of the highest offices in the land. I won’t post any excerpts here as I’ll only go and post the whole bloody thing, do go and read it if you have a minute or two to spare.

The second item, slipped most unobtrusively into a post written by Mr. Civil Libertarian (he who was until recently ‘Their contempt for you is total'), is a heads up about a posting over at Labour List (God help us). Kudos to Mr C.L., I can’t stomach Labour List, after a few minutes I realise that a mixture of salt and plutonium dust poured into my eyes would be less irritating. Anyhow it’s from some arseclown called Matthew Zarb-Cousin and it contains the following passage:

“Do you want to live in a society where everyone is considered a potential criminal?”, asked Will Self on Question Time last Thursday. The reality, and I hate to break it to you, Will, is that everyone is a potential criminal.

Ladies and Germs, I give you the Labour party. The only thing which is missing from the article is the patronising little chuckle and knowing look as they point out that when they say everyone, that doesn’t include MPs, peers and any Labour Party officials. They would never commit a crime such as a traffic offence, or fraud, for example.

The One That Wants You To Confess. . .

Go on.

Leave a confession in the comments.

You're guilty of something. You must be. We all are.

There's so much to be guilty of.

Did you know that your local council can and will fine you for feeding the ducks?

A mother out feeding the ducks with her young son was given an on-the-spot fine by a park warden.

Vanessa Kelly was in Smethwick Hall Park, in Smethwick, West Midlands, when she was approached by the warden and given a £75 fine for littering.

Well, they can. Not exactly feeding the ducks, but for littering. The fact that the ducks eat your 'litter' before it hits the ground is neither here nor there.

Now, here's a telling line.

The warden then told Ms Kelly her son could continue to feed the ducks as he was too young to be fined.

So, it's only an offence if you're old enough to have money taken off you. Once you have cash, then you're fair game. You can afford to give bread to waterfowl, madam? Well we'll have to take some of your cash in that case.

Give me strength.

Sandwell Council defended the fine, saying Ms Kelly was not in a designated feeding area.

A what? A designated feeding area?

So not only did she litter, she didn't seek permission from her all powerful, wise and mighty local authority. How dare she? Who the hell does she think she is? You can't just go and feed ducks, not without consent (the ducks can't give consent), suppose she fed them something unsuitable? Suppose these ducks have a wheat intolerance? They'd spend the rest of the day being all grumpy. She should be arrested for animal cruelty. She must have been near water, (that much is certain, she wasn't in a designated feeding area, this is a council, by the way, so there's no way that a 'designated feeding area' is going to be anywhere near a pond, canal or river) and put her child in mortal danger. The council should take her child off her, for its own good.

Right let's see which self-important, righteous complete pissing fuck-nugget is stupid enough to demonstrate what a thoughtless, socially-retarded cuntwaft he is by defending this.

Councillor Mahboob Hussain, the council's member for neighbourhoods and housing. . .

Hello Councillor Manboobs! You sir are a self-important, righteous, pissing fuck-nugget and a thoughtless, socially-retarded cuntwaft.

. . . said there had been so many complaints about the feeding of pigeons and waterfowl, a designated area had been created for feeding them.

He added the council had done a lot of work to warn people the designated space should be used.

And these people don't work for free, and God knows we've got to get the money from somewhere, so this bint will do. My expense money doesn't grow on trees, you know.

Actually, I made that last bit up.

"This park has a major problem with Canada geese and people living nearby have made complaints about them," he said.

"They feel intimidated by the large numbers of geese.

It's winter. Geese come to the UK in winter. Whilst it is cold in the winter in the UK, it isn't as cold as it gets in the arctic circle in winter, which is where these birds live in the summer. They've migrated here since before Smethwick existed, I don't think some woman and her toddler are a big pull factor here.

"We are taking this problem seriously and we are acting upon these complaints."

A damn site more seriously than I can take you, Manboobs, that's for sure.

The penalty notice would be reduced to £50 if paid within 10 days, he added.

Oh well that's fine then. They take an eminently sensible law about littering, completely skew the spirit of that law, and then empower an unaccountable pseudo-plod to take £75 off someone for no reason than he can. But it's OK, cause they'll knock £25 off if you pay up like a good little prole.

Ms Kelly has not yet paid the fine and said she planned to contest it

Good for her. Although going to the press probably wasn't the best idea. My tack would be 'prove it'. Even if they've got it on CCTV, councils are notorious for not abiding by rules on disclosure, if that were the case, I'd be going for abuse of process and getting the judge to throw it out.

The One That Is Going To Write To Ofcom. . .

I'm going to sit in on Sunday, waiting for Songs of Praise, just so I can be offended after reading this snivelling whinging guff from the ridiculous self-obsessed sky pixie brigade.

Angry Coronation Street viewers have complained to Ofcom and ITV after a character made "anti-Christian" remarks during an episode on Easter Sunday.

The broadcast watchdog said it received 23 complaints over Ken Barlow referring to the faith as "superstition" and God as a "supernatural being".

Oh for crying out loud, just get a life won't you?

One minute you're bleating about how God is all powerful, created the universe etc, etc, and the next your bellyaching that 'To choose this script on the most holy day in the Christian calendar is insulting and greatly offensive.'

Well isn't that the ultimate in offence by proxy? Taking offence that a fictional character said something you don't agree with about a character who is either a; fictional themselves, or b; omnipotent.

So either it doesn't matter, or God who is all powerful really won't give a flying fuck.

And besides, if Easter Day is the holiest day in the Christian calendar, then why are you spending it watching Coronation Street, you hypocritical fuckers?

What a bunch of arseclowns.

The One That Just Wants It To Stop. . .

I despair. I really do despair. There is seemingly no limit to the extent that people will arse around with perfectly simple organisations and ideas and make them impossibly difficult and strewn with obstacles.

We are quite used to the Police being politicised. But the Fire Brigade? Before I pinpoint exactly what it is I'm talking about, I'll highlight the following story from September 2006 which I have lifted from 'Scilly News'.

The Islands' fire and rescue service has been criticised for failing to employ an adequate number of ethnic minority staff.

It has been accused of paying little regard to the government's equality and diversity policies.

The fire service regions of Cornwall, Cumbria, Isle of Wight, Isles of Scilly and Northumberland still do not have any ethnic minority workers, according to statistics released by the Department for Communities and Local Government (DCLG).

'Except for London [fire] service, which has good strategies and policies, the general black and ethnic recruitment and representation is abysmal,' said Michael Nicholas, member of the Fire Brigades Union Black and Ethnic Minority Executive Council.

The Islands’ resident fire chief Alan Hicks said: 'Pro rata, the ethnic composition of the fire brigade is entirely consistent with and accurately reflects the ethnic composition of the wider community.”

He added that until recently the fire brigade had a home office dispensation regarding its ethnic make-up, but it had lapsed.

But he noted that the service had one female member of staff, so had exceeded its required quota for women.

A council spokesman said: “The council has no problem with ethnic inclusion but has no ethnics to include.”

Idiocy. If my house is burning to the ground, I'm not going to stand out the front shouting 'Off! Get off my rapidly diminishing property! Don't come back until you have a black woman, Muslim man and a Chinese amputee! You disgust me, you. . . you. . . ethnically homogenous elitists!' No of course I wouldn't, because a) my house would be burning to the ground, and, b) it doesn't bloody matter.

Anyhow, Al-Beeb has revealed today that the Scilly Isles next door neighbours, the Cornwall County Fire Brigade is in hot water as:

'While its staff are committed to providing an improved service for communities, and particularly for disadvantaged groups, the authority often does not test the effectiveness of its contribution to community projects.'

Do what now? Disadvantaged groups? What in the wide, wide world of sports have the Fire Brigade got to do with disadvantaged groups? Community projects? What? Well, call me a bluff old traditionalist, but I don't want the Fire Brigade to be involved in community projects, I want them to be putting out fires.

Why does there have to be this constant meddlesome hectoring? The Fire Brigade put out fires, or cut people out of cars that have crashed, or help pump out peoples' homes in the case of a flood. Are people in disadvantaged groups more likely to set fire to their houses? Will community projects help remote villages build their own hydraulic cutters and teach them how to get people out of crumpled cars?

For crying out loud.

I was intrigued as to how Cornwall Fire Service would 'begin the long term planning process to take the service forward, with ambitions to become an 'excellent' service in the future.' Does this mean that there are firefighters sat at Falmouth Fire Station going 'Fuck it,' when the bell goes off 'I'm finishing me pasty'? Or does it mean that every single aspect of our society must be measured, recorded, analysed and recorded on a stats sheet? What do you do if Wiltshire Fire Service performs better than Suffolk Fire Service? Is Mr. Smith in Ipswich going to call Swindon for help when he comes home to find the neighbours sat on his lawn toasting marshmallows and singing camp-fire songs?

There's a wonderful document linked to on the CCFB website, although if I were a resident of fair Kernow, I'd be restless in my bed at night and not at all confident that the Fire Brigade actually know what it is they are supposed to do, people that need to ask these questions really shouldn't be running a fire and rescue service.

1. What do you think the risks to our community are?

Ooooh, I dunno, things catching fire, stuff like that.

2. Do you think Cornwall County Fire Brigade understand these risks?

I should bloody hope so, sunshine.

3. How do you think Cornwall County Fire Brigade can better understand its communities' needs?

Not feeling the need to come round and ask me if I really want fires put out would be good fucking start.

4. What do you see as your priorities for Cornwall County Fire Brigade?

Oh for the love of God, I want the fire brigade to provide at every incident they attend, a prayer mat, an indication of which direction Mecca is in picked out on the floor in Chinese silks, a facepainting tent and a stall selling herbal tea, organic juice (pressed on the spot) and a selection of locally handmade cakes and pastries. Oh yes, and putting out FUCKING FIRES!

8. Thinking about the risks and priorities that you have already considered, what single statement can be used to describe what you would like Cornwall County Fire Brigade to achieve in the future?

I would like Cornwall County Fire Brigade to get an amateur team to the third round proper of the FA Cup, to put together a professional standard orchestra with a fondness for Wagner and to get round peoples' houses quickly to stop them from burning to the FUCKING GROUND.

And then of course there are usual irrelevant questions about your age, gender, ethnicity, disabilities, religion, sexuality, views on marmite, favourite colour etc, etc.

Are they asking these questions because they really don't know the answers? Or are they asking them because some know-nothing, pencil necked arseclown has decided that it is 'best practice' and ensures that when the auditors come calling to his building, he has some pathetic offering to demonstrate that he does something, unlike those wankers down in procurement. . .

We're all doomed.

The One That Is Shaking His Head. . .

A couple of minor stories from the last few days have stuck in my head. Both, for different reasons, are indicators of what a bizarre and generally unpleasant society we live in.

The first comes from Catania in Sicily, one of the poorest parts of Italy. Some lucky (and I use the word fairly loosely) individual has won €100m (US$125m, GB£80.5m) on the lottery. Now on the face of it 80 million quid sounds quite nice, although consideration of the sheer logistics of managing such an amount is mind boggling and means that it could be a poisoned chalice.

The phrase regarding this lottery win which stuck with me came from the local mayor, he said:

'. . . whoever won will feel a moral duty to do something for the local community. . .'

Well, now hang on a minute. This isn't your money. It is up to the winner(s) what they do with it, and in my experience the last people who should be doling out advice on what to do with large sums of money is the local political class. I wonder if the council of the Commune di Catania had interests in Icelandic banks?

Speaking personally, I quite often daydream whilst walking the dog and will think about what my actions would be if I were to win a huge amount like this. What surprises me is that it doesn't involve sports cars, yachts, rambling mansions and the like. Well, perhaps one sports car then. I always hit on the same formula, to preserve my anonymity I'd engage a decent firm of local solicitors to arrange the payment of funds to ensure that some organisations and buildings that are important to me would never have to worry again. I was fortunate to grow up in a lovely Kentish village with a village green overlooked by church, windmill and pubs. On a sunny Sunday cricket afternoon, it is perhaps the lovliest place on Earth. Accordingly huge amounts of money would be spent on the village cricket and football clubs, scout hall, village hall, church, windmill, village museum and village school. No-one would ever know it was me. I don't particularly care about the church as an organisation, but care deeply about the church in the village as a beautiful and quite rare example of religious architecture. I don't particularly care about the Scouting organisation, but appreciate the important role it plays in the life of the village youngsters. The school should be looked after by the taxpayer, but the building is a wonderful Victorian structure and I was blissfully, deliriously happy there in my primary schooling. Every last one of them would receive lavish amounts of cash.

I obviously would contribute something to the local community, but that is my choice, if I also chose to gold plate all my fruit and veg, then that's my look out as well. Another telling line from the report is from a local consumer group who wanted the jackpot to be seized and redistributed.

Hmmm. Indeed. How long before the righteous (TM Leg-Iron) start calling for a cap on lotto payouts in this country on the basis that it isn't good for people and redistribute the winnings on a basis that met their definition of being 'worthy'?

The second story relates to a chap called Chris Read, one of my fellow county-men, who had the temerity to leave negative feedback on some guy's e-bay site for sending him a damaged mobile phone that wasn't the item he'd ordered and paid for. As a result the vendor, Joel Jones, refunded Read's money. Read did not remove his negative feedback and received a letter from the vendor's solicitors threatening legal action as:

'The negative feedback you left on October 3 regarding Samsung F700 was unfair and is damaging to my business's reputation and ability to trade.'

Well, no it isn't unfair. It's entirely fair. He went on to say that:

'He had no right to post negative feedback which will show up on my profile and put off other customers.'

Call me a bluff old traditionalist, but I think he had every right to post that feedback, and if you make a habit of sending people wrong and substandard goods, you deserve every bit of bad feedback you get.

Good old Chris Read is standing his ground. What sort of country do we live in where someone who provides a poor service thinks they can drag someone to the courts for pointing this out? I hope he does take him to court and I hope the judge hits him with as big a penalty as possible for wasting everyone's time and being a general arse-clown.