Friday, 24 December 2010

A Christmas Message.

From Sir Norman Tedium-Custard, Head of Department.

Dear Staff,

It is at this time of year that I find myself looking back over the past twelve months at the challenges we have faced and the progress we have made. This year it is a matter of considerable pride to me that this department has performed in the best traditions of the civil service. We have been given a number of new policies to implement by our new coalition government, all of which we have been able to studiously ignore whilst persuading the minister that we're doing exactly what he wants. The fact that we've been able to do this whilst significantly increasing the tedious form filling required by our customers and stakeholders and ensuring that our most vital staff are the ones staring down the barrel of job cuts, thus entering the festive period with a wonderful feeling of dread, shows that this department is well ahead of the game.

I appreciate that some of you are fearful about what the future holds, but as I said we're all in this together. Well, you are, I'm not. I've decided it is now appropriate for me to spend more time with my pension, chalet in Chamonix and beach house in Bermuda, so at the ripe old age of 55, I'm taking retirement in the new year. I'm looking forward to pottering about the garden, supervising the staff as they re-plant the orchard, repoint the paving around the swimming pool and put a new roof on the stables. Don't worry, I'll have plenty of work to do, especially when I take up my six figure sum, three day a month non-exec post at MegaCorp in the spring.

I would like to take this opportunity to welcome my successor, Dame Greta Arseclown-Um Bongo who is moving up from the second in command position in the Department of Equality, Diversity and Political Correctness. I'm delighted to relate that she's already informed me of her intention to completely change as many of our systems of work as possible in as quick a time as possible, whilst at the same time cutting back on the training resources available to you and making the new policies completely impractical for your daily work lives. I know that she's a strict disciplinarian who will not accommodate any dissent or debate while she is ruthlessly following her own agenda. It promises to be an exciting time.

All that remains is for me to wish you an agreeable winter holiday period, free of overt religious overtones, unless you are not Chrisitian, in which case I'm sure the department will spend a good deal of time and effort promoting the deity of your choice. Eat moderately and plainly, or you may find that our colleagues from the Dept. of Health have no option but to withold treatment from you should you become ill. The same goes for drink as well, so it is best avoided. I am hopeful that you all manage to get your families around you, and hope that you bear in mind your diversity training when old Uncle George starts making his racist comments over the Iceland Christmas buffet which I'm sure all you little people bung in the oven for Christmas.

And please remember, if you do have to smoke at home over Christmas, that you should exit your property and walk to the end of the garden path so as to comply with the policy in place at work. I am a senior civil servant and thus know what is best for you.

I'll be eating, drinking and smoking like some deranged Regency period socialite, but then private medical healthcare cover for life is part of my settlement.

Have Fun!

Sir Norman Tedium-Custard.


Dick Puddlecote said...

Hehehe, excellent stuff. Albeit with a hint of reality about it.

Have a great Christmas. :)

biffo said...

Horribly accurate!All the best for 2011.