Who's who?

One's a dangerous psycopath who believes he is infallible, obsessed with telling people how to live their lives and that they're being watched, the other is the Pope.

So, the Pope then.

Amazing to see that he hasn't been able to sell all his tickets. This is the first official visit by the head of the Catholic church ever. He hasn't even been able to sell as many tickets as Manchester United manage once a week, and they're as hated as this fellow.

It seems remarkable to me that in a time of cuts, that we're spunking upwards of £10m on the visit of some former Nazi who has spent most of the last year acting as an apologist for the child abuse which has been running rampant through his organisation.

It isn't just that we're footing the bill, it would also appear that as well as picking up the tab, we're also going to be giving in to demands from the deranged old bastard. Even the Queen for crying out loud. It would appear that she will be expected to wear black whilst in 'His' presence. I hope to the Flying Spaghetti Monster (Sauce be upon Him) that she doesn't wear a mantilla.

And then there's the drivel that's being spouted from the entourage the sinister eyed old Paedo lover will be bringing, or not, with him:

“When you arrive at Heathrow you think at times that you’ve landed in a Third World country.” 

Way to endear yourselves to your hosts. What on Earth did you mean by that?

Mgr Oliver Lahl, said the remark was a reference to the diverse, multi-cultural population of Britain

Fuck me, paedophilia and racism? What do you need for the full set? Is the Pope going to sit having a smoke in his new steam driven Pope mobile whilst buckfast drinking, BigMac eating Cardinals shovel barn owls covered in crude oil into the furnace?

Cardinal Kasper, [...], said that Britain was a “secular and pluralist” country in which there was a “distance from God”, noting that there was “a crisis of faith” in much of the West.

No crisis here mate. Perhaps you just haven't quite got the message that your organisation is now an irrelevance. We've worked out that the Earth orbits the Sun, and that even with the latest mechanical retrieval technology there's no way you're going to make a handful of fish go round a dinner party of five thousand. We don't need you any more.

In a break with tradition, the Pope is returning to Rome with Alitalia rather than Britain’s flag carrier. 

Well, that is actually good news. What if BA went on strike? We'd be stuck with him and his freeloading mates for days, and there are children about, what if they started hanging around outside Catholic primary schools, which I understand is some sort of Papal code for 'pick-up bar'?

The Cardinal also said the Catholic Church would “never” allow the ordination of women. Asked if the Church might soften its position on women priests in 100 or 200 years, he said: “I’m not a prophet, but I don’t think so.” 

Excellent, we chalk up sexism to the list as well then. Know your place, bitch.

The Anglican Communion has allowed women to be ordained and priests to be married, but the cardinal asked: “Does it seem to you that things have gone better for them?” 

No, but that's because they're an irrelevance as well, it's nothing to do with allowing the clergy to get their leg-over, even if the person is able to give legal consent, nor is it to do with vicars worrying that the cassock makes their bum look big.

A Vatican source denied that the last minute withdrawal was a blow to the Pope’s trip but said that Cardinal Kasper’s “expertise” on ecumenical dialogue would be “much missed”. 

Yeah, after all that, he's the best they've got. I can imagine the dicussion between Cameron and Hague; 'I'm sorry David, but Alf Garnett is the only person we can send to be our Ambassador to the UN.' Good grief.

“He is quite a liberal figure who doesn’t always see eye to eye with the Pope, and he has been very friendly towards the Anglicans,” the source said. 

Tea ------> monitor. Really? Come on, tell us another one!

The Most Rev Peter Smith, Archbishop of Southwark, has warned that "crackpots and lunatics" may try to disrupt the papal visit. 

Well, he asked them along. Hmmmm? What? You mean he wasn't referring to the entourage? There's people more crackpot and lunatic? Really? Oh this should be good, I can't wait to see them! There are loads of tickets for sale after all.

They're all absolutely bonkers.

The One That Says You Can't Be Wrong All The Time. . .

A centre of common sense and reason, earlier today.

I quite often tear into organised religion on here. I don't hold a lot of store in it. I think they are pretty much always wrong.

Not this time though.

And whilst I may not set a lot of store by what the Vatican has to say, but many in Ireland do. Old habits die hard.

Looks like the Pope is none too impressed with the grand European Project. During a Papal visit to reluctant participant, the Czech Republic, the Pope's Secretary of State, Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone* released a statement which will probably have the Brussels apparatchiks choking on their moules et frites.

'Individual European countries have their own identity. The EU prescribes its laws or views to them and they do not have to fit with their traditions and history. Some countries are logically resisting this – for example, Ireland'

He then bangs on about the evils of bum sex for a while - c'mon guys, get over it.

Never mind, the enemy of my enemy is my friend. Let's hope that in the morning Ireland has a sudden attack of deep Catholicism and does what The Vatican tells them - just for the day.

*How entertaining to see a title for an office of state that Mandelson doesn't have. Granted with his name, he'd be unlikely to ever become a Cardinal, but I'm willing to bet he'd love to have the outfit.

The One That Is Glad Someone Is Making Sure I Can Sleep Safely In My Bed At Night. . .

Phew. Thank God for that.

I've been very worried. Whilst I'm far from convinced that man has a major part to play in climate change, (indeed I'm not entirely sure the climate is warming, Xmas in the North East US/Maritime Canadian provinces, anyone?) it is true that over the last 100 years we have done some shocking and idiotic things to our planet.

The destruction of the South American rainforest could have very bad results, it could lead to the extinction of a number of animals, birds and insects, some yet to be discovered, not to mention flora that could prove useful in drugs development, it means the destruction of the way of life of aboriginal communities that have lived quite happily in leafy isolation for thousands of years and it means we'll still have to put up with Sting generally getting on everyone's tits and producing albums of lute music. It is a bad thing.

However it pales into insignificance when compared to the threat posed to our way of life by consenting men putting their willies up each other's bottoms. Well, that's what the Pope says.

He explained that defending God's creation is not limited to saving the environment, but also protecting man from self-destruction.

Well, I'll put aside the God bit for now. I've said before, if I was God, those who run organised religions and claim to know what He wants and speak for Him, would be right up the top of the smiting list. Self destruction? Certainly. Where will we start? Slavery? Hatred? Wars which still have religion as the catalyst? How about repression in Zimbabwe, Myanmar, Saudi, Iran, China and a host of others? No, good old Pope Benedict gets right to the heart of the matter by saying self-destruction is brought about by a bit of bum sex.

I've never indulged myself. My arse is strictly a one-way street, but if it makes you happy, then carry on, it's not doing me any harm. The same goes for you ladies, if you want to take a close interest in the workings of another lady, that's fine.

People have been doing this sort of thing to each other before the Christian church existed and we're still here. If God really was concerned about it, I'm sure He would have taken some action by now.

So, Popey, why not get your own house in order first? Why not take some proper, radical action about the systematic sexual abuse of children perpetrated by your organisation? The old joke has it that Priest stands for Paedophile Resident In Every Small Town. I'm much more concerned about the harm done to unwilling or co-erced participants in this.

When push comes to shove, what two consenting adults get up to with each other is nobody else's business, as long as no third party is being harmed. That's harmed, not offended, by the way. It certainly isn't the business of some old member of the Nazi Youth who has swapped one ugly totalitarian auhoritarian regime for another.

Let's hope we see Stephen Fry deliver his own festive message, (this is a celebration of the winter solstice, I'm sure I read somewhere that the Romans held the census in the summer, so old JC is probably a Cancer) where he warns that old celibate Germans with ridiculous dress sense are a big threat to humanity.

I've said it before, I'll say it again. You religious lot have had it. You are corrupt, irrelevant and discredited. You've had a good run, but it is now time to go. So why not be good chaps and fuck off and leave us alone, eh?