The One That Is Back. . .

I've had a very nice holiday indeed and will be back up to speed once I've had some time to catch up with what's been going on for the last couple of weeks. I was visiting the USA, so I'm well out of the loop. To say that news coverage over there is parochial is something of an understatement.

Barely a mention of the bombing on the Moscow underground, and when it was covered it was in the context of the New York authorities being very concerned about the ramifications for their transit system. Of course, because the Chechen rebels are really active on the east coast of the US, aren't they? It's obviously not only us that keep the fear well fed and exercised.

It's been a few years since I've visited the US, and I was both taken aback and delighted in equal measure by what I saw there. As I was in a warm climate I saw something that I thought was excellent, unfortunately its scope for use in the UK is limited, but what a great idea.

Run a bar and worried about the smoking ban? Here's an idea. Get around the legislation about enclosed areas being smoke free by designing a building where the sides can be removed completely. This is what one 'ale house' on the street where I was staying did. This place was huge, must have sat about 600 people. Barring the wall which contained the kitchen and toilets, the whole thing was open, but with a proper roof. It was packed. All day. Every day. People were queuing up on the street to get 'in'. It was like the world's biggest gazebo. At the end of the night, the roller security shutters came down. A great idea. I'm not sure if it would satisfy the legal requirements in the UK, but I would hope so, as the Righteous would have an anuerism about it.

Anyhow, based on my experiences, I've drawn up a handy list of advice for both the US and the UK, let's see how much abuse it generates.

Advice for Americans:

- It is not required to shout all the time. I'm standing right next to you and can hear you perfectly well.

- The mobile telephone is a very handy modern communication tool, however it is not vital for survival. It is possible to spend time not using the device. Actually tying this up with the above, if you hold the mobile phone to your ear, as it is designed to be used, rather than holding it at arm's length, you will not need to shout down it and then scream 'WHAT?' down it because you didn't get the speaker to your ear before the person on the end of the line responded. Perhaps they may fry your brain, but then if you don't use it all the fucking time, it won't matter. Besides, in your case, your brain being fried will make no appreciable difference. Spotted on my travels: A man continuing a telephone call whilst stood at the urinal and heard another man whilst sat in a toilet cubicle. A group of four people out to dinner together, all talking and/or typing on their mobiles incessantly through the course of their meal. There was no discourse around the table. I'd have fucked off and left them with the tab if I'd been with the rude bastards. Really, it is possible to be incommunicado for a couple of minutes. Not even the President is that important.

- Whilst on the subject of restaurants (and shops), basic courtesy is the mark of a man (or woman). The correct phrase to use is 'may I/could I have' before the item you require, followed by a please. It is also good manners to say 'thank-you' when it is delivered. 'I need' is not correct. Especially not you, madam. You need that large sized cola like I need to repeatedly slam my testicles in the drawer of a heavy oak dresser. Really.

- The motorcar really is a wonder of the modern age. It has transformed our cities and our societies. The car is not a panacea, nor is it the devil incarnate. It has its good points as well as its bad. So, American motor manufacturers. Why not try building something that actually acts like a car? Every car I have ever hired in the US has been like driving a motorised sofa or wardrobe, utterly feeble. Glass houses coming from the UK, I know, but really, if you build decent cars, your motor industry might not be on its arse.

- When you ask someone a question, be it directions or a question about an item, or about the country where the person you are speaking to lives; actually listen to what the person is telling you. Asking the question and then ignoring the other person does not make the knowledge magically enter your mind.

Advice for the British:

- Look at those American shop workers and waiting staff. That is called customer service. When you request an ingredient listed on the menu be left out of your dish, the correct response is 'no problem'. When the customer approaches the checkout the correct greeting is 'good morning' or at least 'sorry about the wait', it is not 'yeah?'. Similarly when the transaction is completed, it is customary to thank the customer and bid them a good day/afternoon/evening.

- When using an airline for a trans-atlantic flight, you will find seating is allocated. That number and letter on your boarding pass refers to your row and seat number. No-one is going to sit in it. There is one seat for everyone on the flight. The practice of boarding in a series of blocks is to avoid the crush and rush that happens when idiots like you rush the gate all at once. It is a fairly common practice that makes sense, and is a rule that applies to all passengers, not to most passengers except you and the sixty others who also think it doesn't apply to them. Kudos on the return flight however to the British chap who took his waddling land-whale (or should that be sky-whale) of a wife by the hand and led her to the gate when the disabled passengers had boarded as the call went out for passengers with 'outsized' items. That gave me a bloody good laugh.

- On a related point, it is not possible to leave the aircraft before the doors have opened. You're going to have to wait for your luggage once you clear immigration anyhow. Really, you won't get there any quicker. Secondly, it is not a bloody disgrace that you have to show your passport to get back into your own country. How is the nice immigration officer to know you are British unless her or she sees your British passport? Are they to take it on trust? Because I can see a real flaw in that plan.

- Socks and sandals. Don't. Really, don't. Why would you wear a pair of sandals and then put socks on as well? I would have thought the whole point of sandals is that your feet are kept cool and exposed to the air. It looks stupid.

- Sunblock. Do. Really, do. Having skin the colour of a Ferrari F1 car isn't a good look. The look of the skin as it peels is even less attractive. Besides, it makes we want to run up and give you a hearty slap. See the locals? They use sunblock, and wear a hat, and a shirt. That way they don't end up as one big lump of skin cancer. Nothing says British tourist like lobster colouring and socks and sandals.

So, a lovely break, with temperatures in the mid 20's, sunny weather, good food and a great laugh. What did I see when I came home? Having cleared immigration, got my bags and been through customs, I walked onto the concourse of the airport to see a PCSO with a very thick Nigerian accent giving a hard time to a taxi driver who was waiting to pick up his booked fare (he had one of those little boards with someone's name written on it) because he didn't have his passport. According to the PCSO, it is an offence to be in an airport without a passport. When the taxi driver asked the PCSO where his passport was if that was the case, he was threatened with arrest.

Welcome to the UK.

The One That Is Proud We Are The Trend Setters. . .

I don't know how many times I've heard it said that what happens first in the US will normally follow here a few years later. I can think of one or two exceptions, I understand that we embraced digital TV a good deal earlier than the US, and coming the other way, we don't seem to have been so enthusiastic about crystal meth as our American cousins.

But it is nice to see that on occasion, the US will still look over the Atlantic to the old colonial master to see how things are done properly, and Jimmy Carter has picked up one of the most useful tools that have been used over here for a while now.

Former US President Jimmy Carter says much of the vitriol against President Barack Obama's health reforms and spending plans is "based on racism".

Mr Carter told a town-hall meeting there was "an inherent feeling among many in this country that an African-American should not be president".

Now I have little doubt that there are a number of people who will never accept a black man as President, just as many would accept a woman in the same job. I'm sure that there were some whose primary objection to Thatcher as PM was that she was a woman and that some people find a Scottish PM objectionable on grounds of nationality rather than the man's policies.

They're in the minority though.

When Republican Congressman Joe Wilson shouted 'You lie!' Carter was swift to denounce him as a racist.

It is most likely that he just disagrees with Obamamamama's policy, I don't think a Congressman from South Carolina would get very far if he was forever shouting things out at black people.

Carter has been watching us, though. Let's see how many other opponents to Presidential policy are regularly smeared as being racist, either directly or by insinuation. 'What? You don't agree? RACIST!!!!!!'

I wonder if there is a USNP rubbing their hands with glee?

The One That Is Advocating Caution. . .

There's a joke doing the rounds about George W asking Obama to come with him on a rowing boat in the middle of the Potomac so they can discuss the really secret stuff without being overheard. After about 5 mins, Obama realises he's quite cold on the river and wishes he'd brought his overcoat which he left in the car on the riverbank. 'Hang on a minute George, I'm just going to get my coat.' With that, he steps over the side of the rowing boat and walks across the surface of the water to the riverbank to retrieve it. The waiting press pack snap away in disbelief and the rolling news channels go into meltdown. Sat on his sofa at home, John McCain turns to his wife and says 'Why didn't anyone tell me the son-of-a-bitch couldn't swim?'

Right, can we all just calm down a bit?

Yes, Obama has been elected with a healthy majority, but by no means the huge victory Clinton had in '96 or the absolutely enormous landslide Nixon had over McGovern in '72.

Yes, Obama is the first black President. But it was always going to happen sooner or later. The Democrats were likely to win if Hilary secured the nomination as well, and the cynic in me could point out that they chose to put forward the man instead of the woman.

Yes, Obama is novel in the fact that for the first time in eight years, the media handlers aren't going to be holding their breath waiting for the next fuck up from the man at the podium.

And, yes, after two Bush terms the hopes for an improved, more considered USA are high, but let's face it, not much could have been worse than Bush.

Please can we drop the cult worship that is surrounding him? People say 'his approval ratings are very high.' I should hope so, he's just comfortably won the Presidential election and hasn't had a day in the office to piss anyone off yet.

When leaders attain an almost divine aura it only ends in trouble, either the leader believes the hype, or even worse, the population believes the hype. Whilst I would never compare his politics to these people*, it does smack a bit of Hitler, Stalin, Mao and that nutter who declared himself Emperor of the Central African Republic.

Let's just calm down and evaluate him on his performance in office, rather than the colour of his skin, his presentational skills and the fact that Bono really likes him. I'm not saying he's going to be a disaster, but he hasn't actually done anything yet.

In fact the fact that Bono really likes him should be ringing bloody huge alarm bells.

*Does anyone actually know what his politics are, beyond 'change'?

+++UPDATE+++

Many thanks to 'Ted' for his comments and the subsequent research I've done. This article for example suggests that Obama isn't a US Citizen and is in cahoots with members of the Supreme Court. Must admit I don't have nearly enough depth of knowledge, and as an outsider it smacks of conspiracy theory and stretches credibility to the limit, but I'm not about to dismiss it out of hand and it certainly is an entertaining way to pass a few minutes. . .

The One That Says It Is None Of Their Bloody Business. . .

Here's an interesting little article from the New York Times about EU plans to hand over personal details about us to the US government, including credit card transactions, travel history and internet browsing history.

What? Excuse me? The above is absolutely nothing to do with my government, let alone the government of another fucking country.

Let us set aside the concerns about our government's absolutely God awful record of data handling and the very lax rules and slip-shod fashion about personal data in the US.

The fact is, which internet sites I visit and what I spend my cash on is absolutely nothing to do with the Seppo's. Look west and you will see the future for us in the UK and EU. American society is dog whistle politics at its very worst.

I recently had a trip to Canada and got talking to a Toronto native about their relationship with the USA. This individual was telling me about the ridiculous demands the US made of Canada in this respect and that September 11th had turned the Americans into a victim society. Her point went something like this: 'In Europe, certainly the UK, you've become used to terrorist attacks, you just get on with life. Over the border it is the end of the world and no-one else could understand what it's like, because these were attacks on Americans.'

It struck a chord, Pearl Harbour and the half-arsed attempt on the WTC previously aside, America has never had to deal with this before, the British, Spanish and French have all had terrorist problems and are well used to dealing with them, the Americans aren't. It is so startling to see the land of the free, a country prone to paranoia and isolationism at the best of times (McCarthyism, anyone?) give up their liberty so freely, never have the words of Ben Franklin rung so true.

That is a point for them though. But I cannot tolerate our anti-democratic EU commissariat just handing over my details. I'm assuming that this will only apply to people flying from the EU to the US. A shame, despite my ranting here, I enjoy visiting the USA, I like the people, New York and Boston are two of the most stimulating and exciting cities in the world, watching ice hockey at the Garden, or baseball at Fenway under floodlight and a whole host of other things make going there a real pleasure. However, my very occasional trips over the pond will be restricted to Canada, a much more civilised place.

Just because I have nothing to hide doesn't mean I need to walk around bollock naked. My business is mine, no-one else's.