A Christmas Message.

From Sir Norman Tedium-Custard, Head of Department.

Dear Staff,

It is at this time of year that I find myself looking back over the past twelve months at the challenges we have faced and the progress we have made. This year it is a matter of considerable pride to me that this department has performed in the best traditions of the civil service. We have been given a number of new policies to implement by our new coalition government, all of which we have been able to studiously ignore whilst persuading the minister that we're doing exactly what he wants. The fact that we've been able to do this whilst significantly increasing the tedious form filling required by our customers and stakeholders and ensuring that our most vital staff are the ones staring down the barrel of job cuts, thus entering the festive period with a wonderful feeling of dread, shows that this department is well ahead of the game.

I appreciate that some of you are fearful about what the future holds, but as I said we're all in this together. Well, you are, I'm not. I've decided it is now appropriate for me to spend more time with my pension, chalet in Chamonix and beach house in Bermuda, so at the ripe old age of 55, I'm taking retirement in the new year. I'm looking forward to pottering about the garden, supervising the staff as they re-plant the orchard, repoint the paving around the swimming pool and put a new roof on the stables. Don't worry, I'll have plenty of work to do, especially when I take up my six figure sum, three day a month non-exec post at MegaCorp in the spring.

I would like to take this opportunity to welcome my successor, Dame Greta Arseclown-Um Bongo who is moving up from the second in command position in the Department of Equality, Diversity and Political Correctness. I'm delighted to relate that she's already informed me of her intention to completely change as many of our systems of work as possible in as quick a time as possible, whilst at the same time cutting back on the training resources available to you and making the new policies completely impractical for your daily work lives. I know that she's a strict disciplinarian who will not accommodate any dissent or debate while she is ruthlessly following her own agenda. It promises to be an exciting time.

All that remains is for me to wish you an agreeable winter holiday period, free of overt religious overtones, unless you are not Chrisitian, in which case I'm sure the department will spend a good deal of time and effort promoting the deity of your choice. Eat moderately and plainly, or you may find that our colleagues from the Dept. of Health have no option but to withold treatment from you should you become ill. The same goes for drink as well, so it is best avoided. I am hopeful that you all manage to get your families around you, and hope that you bear in mind your diversity training when old Uncle George starts making his racist comments over the Iceland Christmas buffet which I'm sure all you little people bung in the oven for Christmas.

And please remember, if you do have to smoke at home over Christmas, that you should exit your property and walk to the end of the garden path so as to comply with the policy in place at work. I am a senior civil servant and thus know what is best for you.

I'll be eating, drinking and smoking like some deranged Regency period socialite, but then private medical healthcare cover for life is part of my settlement.

Have Fun!

Sir Norman Tedium-Custard.

The One That Would Just Stop Building Giant Goats. . .

. . . and other oddities.

A few things have tickled me and annoyed me today.

Firstly, for the 24th time in 44 years, a traditional giant straw goat in the Swedish town of Gavle has been burned to the ground by vandals.

In 2001 some bloke even travelled all the way from Ohio to burn it to the ground and was sent to jail for his trouble. It seems to me that this goat burning is becoming a tradition in itself. The local council need to engage some sort of celebrity to do it and bring in the crowds. Or they could, y’know, just stop building giant goats.

In a day of strange animal stories, a bullock in Birmingham has decided he doesn't fancy being someone's dinner and so has done the off from an abattoir in the city. Only to be shot dead by armed police.

Perhaps they thought he was a terrorist? I wonder if the coppers involved will be suspended pending an investigation? Is that for whenever they discharge their weapons, or only if they shoot humans?

Meanwhile people flying into Prestwick obviously didn't check the 'yes please' box on the booking form and cough up an extra £30 to Ryanair to make sure they actually landed on a runway.

Of course tourists are apparently as guilty as causing inconvenience to snow as snow is as guilty of causing inconvenience to them.

Irony of ironies, it appears that endless eco-tourists are fouling up the Antarctic. Reading the report, it appears no-one owns it. Excellent. Perhaps we can set up our own Libertarian utopia. We'll claim the land for ourselves, it'll be a bit chilly, but on the plus side there'll be all the penguins you can eat.

It's obviously a very slow news day. Yet that doesn't stop the BBC who drove me up the wall this morning. I don't know why I do it to myself, but I was listening to Radio 5 who had an interesting segment on PPOs (Prolific and Priority Offenders) and a programme that has been introduced to try to break them out of that cycle. There were a couple of offenders who have been on the scheme for some time and it actually sounded like quite a promising idea. Of course you couldn't follow the thread because they kept interrupting with updates from the High Court because Boy George had had his appeal to vary the terms of his licence so he could be a contestant in (used to be a) Celebrity Big Brother refused.

It's amazing, most people are glad to be out on a tag, and he wants to be locked up again? He's claiming discrimination of course, is it bollocks. Would Joe Public be allowed in the normal Big Brother house house with a tag? No. I don't think C4 would touch it, and the Probation Service would not be happy about the suggestion.

What else can the media leap upon on a slow news day? Ah yes, the internet. Specifically facebook. Firstly there's some bloke who has escaped (perhaps that should just be walked out) from an open prison who is 'taunting' the police on Facebook. He's a naughty man, but this is what happens when you have a judicial system like ours. I kind of admire his chutzpah.

That's it from me for a few days. Xmas activities mean blogging and intermong use will be virtually non-existent for the immediate period. Please allow me to wish you a non-sectarian, non-denominational, racially, gender and sexuality neutral winter public holiday period.

Please eat moderately, drink responsibly, engage in thirty minute's exercise every day over the period and keep celebrations to a minimum so as not to offend anyone who decides to worship (or not) their deity/god/sky pixie in a fashion different to you. Please wear safety equipment when engaging in mirth with Winter Public Holiday Period crackers and keep small items contained within away from young children. Please bear in mind it is winter, so if you are going outside, wrap up warm and watch your step on icy pavements, which would have been gritted by your local authority had they not had to spend the money on making sure your diversity was properly valued.

Indeed it is probably best if you just sit quietly with a drink of water in a shatterproof container, with a clean, dry cloth to hand in case of spillage, and some government pamphlets.

The One That Is Wishing You A Safe And Elfy Christmas. . .

The following little nugget dropped into my inbox:

Some Health and Safety advice relating to Carol Songs this Christmas.


The Rocking Song

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.
Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.





Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.





While Shepherds Watched

While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The Shepherds Union has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.





Little Donkey

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

The One That Is Telling You To Put That Bottle Down, NOW! . . .

There will be no fun this Christmas. We’re not allowed to have fun. We don’t have time to have fun. Every waking hour must be spent plagued with guilt that we are killing ourselves, killing other people, killing a number of furry mammals, offending people, discriminating against people and setting a bad example by bringing up children incorrectly meaning they are doomed to repeat the litany just outlined.

Drinking is being denormalised, as we know, here are another couple of festive examples.

First of all there is the unconscionable fuckwit Donaldson. Another example of an unelected goon who just cannot help sticking his nose in people’s business and telling them what is best for them. Doctors love doing this and Donaldson is worse than most.

Parents who allow their children alcohol at home may be increasing the chances of future drinking problems, says England's chief medical officer.
Sir Liam Donaldson accused some parents of a "laissez-faire" approach and said letting children taste alcohol to ready them for adulthood was "misguided".

Oh God, here we go. Come on then, give us the evidence, Liam.

Evidence showed that this could lead to binge drinking in later life, he said.

Right, d’you feel like presenting the evidence? No? What a surprise.

New official guidance says under-15s should drink no alcohol, with under-17s drinking only under supervision.

You’ll notice that isn’t law, it is ‘official guidance’. Official guidance is the same as any other arseclown prodding you in the chest and lecturing you at great length in a patronising fashion, but with the added bonus that you are paying for the privilege.

No alcohol for the under-15s. Hmmmm. Yes, because historically, prohibition of any kind has been a runaway success whenever it has been employed, hasn’t it?

Under-17s drinking only under supervision. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Let’s try again shall we? How about alcohol for children as their parents see fit with no unsupervised drinking under the age of 18, which is the minimum age at which can one can legally buy alcohol in England and Wales. I’m not sure about Scotland, I think I read somewhere the SNP wanted to increase the age to 45 and only if you had letters from your former teachers, a judge, your doctor and the police saying you could be trusted with a small glass of sweet sherry once a fortnight.

Ahhhhh, I hear the Righteous start, some people can’t be trusted. OK, and? Do you really have to reduce everything to the lowest common denominator? Yes. Of course you do, because by reducing everyone to the status of the worst, ill-equipped, socially spastic scrote it makes it that much easier to justify your baffling control freakery.

Have a festive fuck off from me.

What else is festive? Oh yes, Father Christmas. But he’s persona non-grata as well now.

No, not because of that, you filthy minded little skit, it has nothing to do with him coming down chimneys into the bedrooms of sleeping children. It is because his lifestyle is unacceptable.

Santa should get off his sleigh and walk, and lay off the brandy and mince pies, says an Australian study that criticises Father Christmas for being a bad role model. The current image of Santa Claus promotes obesity, drink-driving, speeding and an unhealthy lifestyle, says a study from Monash University published in the British Medical Journal.

I think the Australian tax payer needs to ask some fairly searching questions about what it is the people at Monash University are doing for their money if they’ve time to trot this arsegravy out.

Santa should go on diet (sic) and the tradition of leaving him cookies, mince pies or brandy should cease, it says. Instead, he could share carrots and celery sticks left for his reindeer.

Hmmmm, yes, yes he could. But let’s try another suggestion, why not fuck off and not bother us with your sanctimonious twaddle, you joyless, horrible, grey little cretin? I bet your mouth is set in a constant cat’s arse pucker of disapproval, isn’t it? Does it make you miserable? Good. I hope you remain in misery for the rest of your life.

“Santa might also be encouraged to adopt a more active method to deliver toys — swapping his reindeer for a bike or simply walking or jogging,” the study says.

Yes, and you might also be encouraged to suck my cock.

I believe very strongly in the rule of law, but sometimes, just sometimes, I long for summary justice, big iron bars and lynch mobs.